That makes a lot sense to me thank you
1 Like
I went kind of overboard preparing how to tell my closest people. I phoned every one of my 5 siblings and drove 2.5 hours to tell my mom in person (we had lost a sibling to cancer already). Then I started hearing from my aunties who I had not been in contact with for years so I knew she was busy on the phone! So much for privacy. I did tell a few closer friends who were enormously supportive and helpful. Hardest part was telling my adult children - Christmas day was the one and only day we were together. Apart from immediate family and my close circle I didn’t want to deal with anyone else - like neighbours or most colleagues at work - so kept in pretty quiet until I was through treatment - in my case surgery and radiation. It felt right to me. I do remember though the anxiety I felt about telling and not telling so I totally understand how you’re feeling. I don’t know that any way would have felt right it’s just so hard. Best wishes and please take care.
2 Likes
I found out late December so I kept it to myself all over Christmas because I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s Christmas but it made my head want to burst with all the secrecy. I’m still glad I did it but if it was any other time I would have told someone just to take the mental pressure off.
1 Like
From my own experience, I understand not wanting any fuss, I didn’t, but I would definitely recommend taking someone with you to help remember what you are told. I was in so much shock after the cancer diagnosis I couldn’t take anything in and was so glad my husband came with me as he remembered what we were told.
I wish you all the best.
1 Like
I kept the whole thing very private which I know annoyed my family……but it is my journey and my choice. My Mother is an open book and very talkative so I told a couple of close friends before any family. I also did not want anything getting back to my workplace before knowing my treatment journey and how it would affect my work. When I went in for my surgery I made a Messenger group and added only really close friends and family…… people who I love, who really love me and who would be a support. When I was out of action my partner updated everyone on the group. Interestingly most of my family supported my needs for confidentiality except one of my sisters. She got drunk at a gathering and shared my news with an old school mate (most definitely someone I did not want to know). She sheepishly owned up saying she was “an oversharer” but I was pretty pissed off with her and did not hold back either. During that whole journey I learnt a lot about confidentiality and the importance of keeping strum if that is what someone needs. The sister who blabbed had also had breast cancer a couple of years earlier but had shared it on all her platforms for support. Each person is individual and it is their choice how their journey unfolds. I thought it interesting that Kylie Minogue told the general public on her first diagnosis and then it kept it to herself on the second.
3 Likes
I love that comment 'its my journey and my choice…..couldn’t have put it better. I’m not going to be a source of gossip or pity.
3 Likes
Unfortunately for Kylie, she didn’t have much of a choice the first time round as she had to cancel a lot of her Showgirl tour and her headlining slot at Glastonbury to start treatment.
No-one in my family knows. I actually wanted to keep it secret from my partner and had a plan on how to do it when originally it was only a lumpectomy for DCIS but then they decided that as my boob was so small there’d be nothing left so mastectomy and immediate reconstruction were better and that’s more major surgery so I had to tell him; I told him the bare minimum. Which in hindsight worried him more as he had no idea what the surgery entailed and thought they cut off all the skin too and I’d be left with this big hold in my skin! Now I’m effectively (and this is such good news for me) effectively cured, I have no intentions of telling anyone in my family ever and only about 5 of my closer friends know. No-one else need ever know. And I feel I’ve hurt my partner as it literally took me a month after dianosis to tell him and I wouldn’t even let him drive me to the hospital for my surgery but got the bus and then wouldn’t let him visit later that day (had such a bad hangover from the general they kept me in two nights). He’s only been to one of my appointments (the 3 week follow-up when I got the lymph node histopath all clear good news) and it’s kind of a closed book. I can’t talk about it and actually came onto this forum as I feel so bad that I simply cannot share this stuff with him. He doesn’t see me undressed. And won’t ever again. In a way I feel sad as I think I am hurting him as he was so pleased to be asked to go to the appointment (but then I felt really bad as I had to take him out of work which was awkward for him and I felt I was wasting his time). I’m having counselling which frankly isn’t working; all it’s doing is opening up other cans of worms in my life! So I think you are very normal in hating fuss and people gushing or worrying. I just needed to get onto the treatment conveyor belt and hope I’d come off the other end with a reasonable outcome. The reason I’ve joined this forum is actually to discuss exactly this sort of issue as my counsellor thinks it might be a good idea to see if anyone else thinks like me. As I think my distance from him and not sharing is driving a wedge between me and my partner. But to me it’s a totally normal and sensible reaction to a crappy thing happening.
2 Likes
I think you even opening up on here is a really big thing. I’m with you all the way for only telling a close circle. There’s only so many times you can repeat the news and then have to manage everyone’s reaction.
I’m picking up that you’re really upset about how you look now and I’m sure you’re addressing this with your counsellor. Opening other cans of worms brings things into the light which puts them to rest if it doesn’t get rid to them.
As for not telling your partner or sharing how you look now I can see how that would drive a wedge between you. He might feel that you don’t trust him to be caring or supportive. He could worry you don’t think that he loves you enough to stick around once he’s seen your battle scars.
If not saying my husband is always useful but he is very grateful my treatment means I will still be here for a while yet and the scars are part of my survival journey. He knows way too much about breast cancer due to managing someone who was stage 4 and subsequently died. His knowledge is therefore not always uplifting 
However we played nightly “how blue is my tit?” (hence my username) after my surgery and sentinel node biopsy and are currently playing “how pink is my tit?” as I go through radiotherapy. He offered to help take my dressing off and reassured me about my scar. He’s also driving me to radiotherapy so I don’t need to worry about finding a parking spot in time.
I guess what I’m saying is try letting him in a bit. Tell him how you feel about your body now. Tell him what you’re worried about. Because he’s still here which means something.
3 Likes
Hello @silverswan
I deleted my post because it didn’t print out in full.
I’ m glad that you have the support of your closest friends and I understand you not telling your family . Families can be wonderful but they can also infuriate and trigger you like nobody else . To be honest cancer can send you to a sort of parallel universe so even if you have the best support it’s still a lonely place .
The stage that you are at now having finished active treatment is one of the most difficult . If you are offered a Moving Forwards course - many of us have been helped by those including myself . Other resources that I haven’t used myself but have been highly praised on this forum are Maggie’s Centres and the Penny Brohn charity.
Counselling is all very well - I’ve benefitted from it twice but it may depend on your counsellor and their approach or whether it’s the right time for you to have it right now because It does stir up old traumas and you can feel worse before you feel better .
It may take time but try to let your partner in - he cares and obviously wants to help . Cancer has taken from you - you couldn’t help that but don’t let it spoil your relationship as well . Me and my partner did have some problems with intimacy - related to a different medical problem that I was diagnosed with a few months before breast cancer but things are more or less back to normal now .
Take care x
3 Likes
Your thinking is so like me. I need to control the narrative of this journey and for me it means I can’t be the subject of discussion outwith my family. In fact no one knows my MRI scan with contrast is on Monday. I need to be there on my own to process things. I just want a plan with a surgery date and be back in control.
1 Like
My instinct was also to only tell close family and friends but when I found I was going have a mastectomy I knew it was going to be a life changing thing. I have a autoimmune condition and I have slowly learnt over the years that being open about this (as it’s not very visible ) makes it much easier for myself as well as everyone else. So I ended up telling a much wider range. (nb I didn’t post it on social media and I still find people I forgot so it wasn’t a foolproof strategy 
) . Why did I do this? Firstly, I realised that I do try to manage too many things just on my own. I usually think I’m invincible. And this makes it really hard to reach out for help when I really need it. Secondly, I also know that my husband finds it hard to reach out and I didn’t want to be putting all of my emotional & physical support requirements onto his shoulders. And thirdly, I’ve really just wanted people to be aware of what was going on in my life so that if I was a bit off, a bit snappy, a bit distracted they might be able to understand a little bit better. This was all 6 years ago during the pandemic. I’ve just had some additional surgery in the last few weeks so doing it all again. Like the others have said it’s different for everyone. You will find a way that works for you and those around you. Just know that you don’t have to do it on your own. (And yes, the reassuring other people bit is really weird !)
1 Like