After my diagnosis. I have told my immediate family but don’t want any fuss. I am going to my breast surgeon appointment on my own because I need to process things myself. I hate fuss and anyone having gushy sympathy for me. It’s probably how I cope with things. Lots of friends do not know, my diagnosis, am Ibeing selfish for not letting them know?
My family are great but they want to be involved and I don’t want them to be there for my treatments, is this normal?
Everyone processes this horrendous situation differently. Ultimately you have to put yourself first and do what you need to do. As a family member though, I think I would be gutted if I couldn’t support someone I loved that was going through what we are all dealing with. Take care of yourself x
Hello,
At this time you need to focus on your self. noone can tell you who to tell, having familly and friends supporting you is good not everyone has . If you do set boundaries, not to takeover I sometimes think they dont realise, you are still you,
Take care big hugs xxx
I didn’t tell friends for a while, and then only a very small circle. I really wanted to keep it private, like you don’t like fuss, and didn’t want others there for treatments. Do what makes you feel comfortable. Family and friends can, without meaning to, be a bit too much. When/if you tell them, I found it helpful to set very firm boundaries, such as “I cant manage lots of chat about this situation but it would really help if you could…… Shop, mow lawn, cook meals” or whatever you need at that time. Take care
Hey @burstcouch
It is completely up to you who you tell and how you let those you have told support you.
For example, as I don’t drive and don’t want to take public transport while I’m undergoing chemo, my mum takes me to all my appointments and she’s been an absolute godsend in that way, but I always want to go into my consultations alone as I find it easier to focus on the conversation and she’s happy in the waiting room with some daytime TV and her sudoku. 
There really isn’t a right or wrong way to do this, only your way, and as previous posters have mentioned, navigating loved ones who are aware of the situation comes down to setting boundaries whilst also appreciating their efforts. I find something like “I’m okay for now but thank you so much for the offer, I’ll let you know if I do need anything” works wonders.
As for those who don’t know just yet, you might find you want to tell more people as you get further into your treatment, but if you don’t, that’s all good too. x
Hi burstcouch
Hope you are doing well.
Everybody has their own thoughts on who they tell. Its entirely up to you.
I only told family by phone call after my biopsy and then another phone call once cancer was confirmed a week later.
I have whatsapp groups with closest friends and rightly or wrongly I put it on there, but said I didnt want lots of sympathetic responses. This was respected. We spoke about it the next time we met. They all appreciated how I felt and all said they were there for me.
I have just had my 3rd follow up and again have told all friends and family I will let them know when I get mammogram results. They understand I dont want to be asked everyday if I have heard anything.
As said, everybody is different and need different support. You do whats right for you.
Hope all your treatment goes well.
Best wishes x
I’ve only told a limited circle. My husband and adult kids and people where I volunteer as I couldn’t do my usual heavy lifting there.
I don’t have the bandwidth right now to manage everyone else’s emotional responses plus the emergency visits it will trigger in family that live further away.
I took my husband to my biopsy results appointment so I didn’t have to tell him it was cancer. He came with me to my post surgery appointment too so I had back up if they didn’t agree to me stopping Letrozole (it was fine). He’ll also drive me to radiotherapy as the parking there is pants and I want to be able to get out the car if it’s taking too long to get a space. Otherwise I’ve gone alone.
You have to do you and are best placed to know who needs to know x
I do t think there’s a right or wrong way to handle this . I was diagnosed and treated at the end of lockdown and I wasn’t allowed anyone in with me at any appointments including radiotherapy and to be honest I didn’t need anyone . The only thing was that it wasn’t “ real “ for my partner initially because he hadn’t been with me but he was there for the phone appointment that confirmed my diagnosis.There are advantages to not taking people to your appointments as you won’t have to worry about their reactions and feelings as well as your own - that could be a distraction. If you are offered choices as regards different surgeries then the decision should be entirely your own and not swayed by someone else’s feelings. A lot of people have said that they were in shock / didn’t remember what was said but that wasn’t my experience at provisional diagnosis and after that I came prepared by writing questions down ahead of time .
If your family want to be involved then let them - but you set the terms . Maybe you will need some shopping or a bit of housework or some company at some point. I was very grateful to my lovely friend for driving me to and from second screening and to the hospital for surgery . For radiotherapy I was able to stay with a family member and close to other family which meant that I was near enough to the centre that I was able to drive there and back myself and have some company afterwards. It also allowed my partner to stay at home and carry on working which was important because I was not working. If you have a partner having other people that can be called upon may make things easier for them .
It’s the same with friends / colleagues really . Ironically when you tell people some will react quite badly and you will be the one having to reassure them that you’re going to be ok which is quite a surreal experience. Not everyone knew about mine until much later .
Wishing you the best of luck with everything . Xx
Not at all, I have done exactly the same, just my immediate family, and 3 really close friends, one of them burst into tears.
I had a mastectomy, which I told them, bbuut nothing about the chemo and Picc etc, to come.
I have triple negative and a cancer that is only found in Black women and women under 40.
I am 82! I was fighting fit with no disease of any sort!
So, what a bummer!
I totally understand, I cope if I’m on my own, I feel stronger and more in control.
Have had many incidents in my life when I’ve needed to be strong, it has worked for me, so don’t feel guilty, you need to do what’s good for you.
Sending you every good wish, we can do this! Saves explaining it to everybody all the time, which for me, means I can have normal conversations!
Hope your treatments go well, good luck and stay strong and positive!
Love Elena xxx 
It’s perfectly normal to do what feels right for you. There’s no right or wrong way and everyone will approach and live their diagnosis differently.
My daughter told family, close friends and ‘need to know’ work colleagues. She was clear from the beginning she didn’t want fussing.
We respected this but it was really hard at times, especially when we could see she was struggling with side effects of treatment.
It’s early days for you so take all the time you need and do what feels right for you.
Sending love and care for your journey x
I am just not ready to let some people in. I can’t cope with them getting involved and constantly asking what was said and how am I feeling.
That’s brilliant comment, ‘I’m still me’. I will be using this throughout.
I don’t drive either so I will probably take up the offer of the transport but not them being present at the appointments or future treatments.
Helena, what a strong woman you are. My life up until I retired was always putting people first and being the strong one, always in charge of others, and caring for the well-being of others. So when it comes to me, I can’t let others in easily as they ask too much of me.
I feel exactly the same. I’ve told some friends but not all, I’m just not comfortable talking about it. In fact in many ways I don’t want to keep talking about it. I’ve worried that seems selfish, but for me I need it to feel normal and focus on life beyond this diagnosis x
I hear you. Just as I was diagnosed Breast Cancer Now had a big fundraising push in my town. They were everywhere. The supermarket, The Range, in the middle of the High Street and very difficult to avoid. One wouldn’t take no even when I said I didn’t want to talk as recently diagnosed 
I’d go out for some therapeutic shopping and a coffee to feel “normal” for a bit just to be reminded again as our hospital gives out the pink booklets for information.
I had a similar experience with someone from Cancer Research UK - before I got cancer but a couple of weeks after a friend had died of metastatic cancer of unknown origin . Very chipper and assertive young woman but totally lacking in any kind of sensitivity - possibly just too immature to counter any kind of emotional response which is odd considering it’s an emotional subject xx
Can fully appreciate that. You should choose who you do or don’t with you. I found the appointments and whole thing an absolute rollercaoster of emotion for me, and the consultants kept talking even when I was upset. I did have my partner with me and then a friend when he was away. They both took notes for me so I could go over it after the meetings and I felt better informed for the next meeting when I did. They were a second pair of eyes and ears and I did ask them both to ask questions at the appointment because both my partner and friend are quite calm people and objective which really helped in a very difficult situation. Ultimately you figure out what works for you and what you need
I kept it to myself to start with. I had to deal with myself and didn’t want to have to cope with everybody else’s panic, stupid remarks when they don’t understand what they heck one is going through, and other people’s emotions.
My bestie has just been diagnosed with bc, operation coming up soon. She has kept it very quiet, just immediate family (husband and children) and close friends. She doesn’t want to have to cope with all the inevitable nonsense and gossip. She told me cos I went through it two years ago, so I was on a previous page of the same book, so to speak. She held off telling her husband for ages because she knew he’d have an emotional wobbly. Actually he’s been pretty good, and supportive, as long as she makes it plain exactly what she needs him to do.
No way are you being selfish. I felt the same way, didn’t want people to know. I have only told certain family members, a few friends and managers at work who needed to know. I just did not want to have to keep talking about it.
I do prefer to go to appointments with the doctors on my own but I don’t put up much of a fuss if family members want to come as well. For treatments, don’t think I could have stopped them coming. Gosh reading this back now, ha ha my family sounds very pushy but being 9 months in, I see now that being involved helped them cope.
Everything you have described is perfectly normal. Do what is best for you.