how did you tell your kids ? and help them
my son is 10 has autism also has a mind of a 5/6 yr old he knows i have a poorly boob and that the meds i will be taking might make me ill and hair fall out at first he laughed at that thought but now he isnt finding it funny at CAMHS yesterday he was upset eye contact was a big no no and very restless i thought he had been good but they said they can see he is troubled by wots going on they are going to offer him counciling to see if that helps him cope i thought my teen girls had taken it well but there way of dealing with it is to fight us nothing i say to them helps i have talked to them i have told them that fighting us isnt helping and that i dont have the strenght to fight them every day is a battle in 1 way or an other even if that just a please give me yr washing yes i have spoilt kids my doing but now wot do i do i have made a rod for my own back i dont want to fight them one of them told me to stop being selfish and think how they were feeling ok i aint saying they arent going though anything, 1 is 14 and is turing into a right pain at school and there is only so much she can get away with the other is 17 and everything is my fault right down to her not getting a job (she at collage )with them playing up it isnt help my son as he is now fighting them (mommys boy ) times like this i want to run but i know they need me but i dont know wot to do for the best any one else have this problem or have i just got ungrateful girls
maz xxx
Hi Maz
Here are a couple of links to BCC publications about talking to your children about breast cancer which you may find useful to read whilst you await replies:
The one above contains information about websites aimed at teenagers and alternative reading
Take care
Lucy
hi Maz,
i have 3 kids, a 12 year old girl, and 8 year old twins boy and girl,
the twins have taken everything in their stride, my son being very practical and blunt even down to asking “well why did you have to have it chopped off”, my daughter being very clingy and extra over protective,
my 12 year old now thats a different story,
anger, fear, frustration, rage, tears, sobbing, hysterical, these are but a few of the emotions she has been going through,
shes played up at school, shes called me everything under the sun, shes apologised, loves me hates me …
the list goes on,
you have to go with it maz there isnt any easy way, you know your kids better than any text book, but sometimes you need to step back, give yourself a break, they need room, you need room, there isnt any right or wrong way,
the harder you try the worst it seems to be,
whatever you do is wrong, thats my experience anyway,
admitting your kids are older than mine, but they all react in the same way eventually,
i found my kids would talk when they wanted to and often to say nothing is better than ranting and trying to make everything ok
take a deep breath and step back, thats what i did,
sorry for going on maz, but i feel so much for you, its a bitch but there isnt a lot you can do about it, it just has to take its course,
one thing i did realise though, once the schools started talking to the kids it seemed to make it worse, it would upset the kids and they didnt like that at all, if they want to talk they will, if they rant and rave, let them, dont take it to heart, its not you they are mad at its IT.
all the very best maz, it will be alright, love liz xxxx
well it just me and my 17 yr old at home to day i just read this out to her and we both started crying lots of hugs and she tells me she worried she will have to take over my roll and do everything she said she was sorry for being a b***h and that she dont mean too watching me go through everything is scaring the crap out of her (i have yet to start chemo ) i told her i know its hard and im not asking her do do everything but a little help goes a long way she thinks her dad wont cope ( she maybe right there but he will have to) and thats too is a worrie for her she knows ill get through this and it was good to be able to talk to her we kinda clash two of a kind but it was nice to have this time on our own and be able to chat she knows i love her loads and i dont want her to feel like this this is my fight not hers i told her i dont want her to fight it but to push me back in the ring when time get bad we all have bad times , we thought of a way to help each other wens is her day off collage so she said she will stay at home and give dad the day off to go fishing or shooting which he will like and she will try to help around the house a little more weeks end will be hers which is fine by me she never home at weeks end any way and ill keep out her way lol going to go shopping with her today she loves spending my money lol just hope this nice side stays and things get better i hate them feeling like this
maz xxx
glad u had a chat with her maz,somtimes thats all they need is a chat just the two of u.totally agree with elizabethtracy,u know em best and sometimes just biting ur tongue(hard i no!)is better than ae ensuing slanging match.personally with my 14 yr old i found that if he didnt put clothes in wash basket, they didnyt get washed(that didnt take long for him 2 get the hint as he will wear something for an hr and declare it dirty!) also accept any help ur lads school offers u.may work with counselling for him,may not but def worth a try.lots of love alex xxxx
Hi Maz, I do hope your day continues to be positive. It is so scary for everyone. Just a thought, but my local hospice (dont panic!!) offers support to families with a Primary or Secondary diagnosis. Someone came out to talk to my 15 year old daughter nd now they text each other. I dont think she uses this very often, but it is there if she needs it.
I just hope you can keep talking, Im sure that is the key.
Sadie Xx
Talking to kids is always going to be a toughie, and there’s no single best way to handle it. I can share how I’ve done it, and it’s worked reasonably well for us as a family, but this might not be the best way for you.
From my own perspective, I found that complete honesty with them has been the best way to deal with it, and I have told my kids (24 and 21, but also 14 and 12) that there isn’t anything they can’t ask. At the beginning I wanted them to know that I would not keep anything from them, however horrible the truth might be. I’ve spoken to them, the younger two in particular, and they said that it really helped knowing that I wasn’t hiding anything from them, and that if I said that the doctors had told me I wouldn’t be dying any time soon, they knew they could believe me. I also arranged with my BCN that she would speak to my oldest daughter, so if the younger ones DID have questions they thought might upset ME, they could get their older sister to ask, and they would get the truth.
They were concerned about what would happen if I DID die (my youngest chose to ask me when we were out in the car negotiating a rather tricky roundabout so her timing wasn’t brilliant!) and they wanted reassurance about practical things. I had actually been thinking about that, and so I was able to tell them that their big brother and sister were old enough to look after them if the worst did come to the worst (but I wasn’t intending dying in the next fortnight) but I most certainly wouldn’t be sending them to live with their auntie, which was something they’d been worrying about!
As you have found, talking to the kids and finding out what they’re bothered about really does help them. We think we know what goes on in their heads but the things that bother them often come as a surprise (I was certainly surprised by the worry about their auntie!) Often, it’s the practical stuff that bothers them most. Who’s going to look after them if you can’t? If you’re ill who’s going to get the dinner ready? That kind of thing. You might want to try and have similar one-to-one conversations with your other kids as you had with your oldest, to try to find out what really is bothering them. If you can get your older one to keep an eye on your son, could you go out for a walk, take your other daughter to a coffee shop or something, or even just get her to come into your bed for a cuddle and have a quiet chat with the rest of the family out of the way? They are often looking for cuddles and reassurance that even though you’re ill you’ll still have time to love them.
You could use the opportunity to let her know what you might be feeling like, and what she can do, practically, to help you get through it. You’re her mum so she may welcome the chance to help you when you need it. Even if you can get her to agree to run the hoover round the living room, or take responsibility for feeding the cat, or put the washing machine on, that will give her the chance to do something practical to help. I’m not saying she’d always do her job when you ask her to, or as well as you would do it, but taking on a little bit of responsibility because YOU need HER might be something very positive to come out of this.
There’s no simple way of doing it, and you know your kids and your relationship with them better than a complete stranger, so that might not work for you. Might be worth thinking about though.
Best of luck. Kids are brilliant, but they can be SUCH hard work sometimes!
Wonderful advice CM. I have followed the same path and the kids come out with some stunning questions, but they need answering, so i do with honesty and try and navigate the road at the same time. Why is it always in the car?
Sadie Xx Xx
They really pick their moments, don’t they! I think it’s because there’s finally a moment when mum’s not talking (well that’s how it is in my car.)
well im back from town - £200 oh yes happy kids lol well one of them will be on her birthday just got her a new mobile the 17 yr old has been fine spoilt too ,
cm i am open with all my girls they know they can ask me anything talk about anything with me joys of being a teen mom i wanted to not only be mom but also be friends and thats just how i have been with them all even now im older , my son well he is different i have seen the book for kids and think we will have a read together as that puts in words he just might understand
today has been good first time in a long time beth and i have got on with out any fights now lets hope it carrys on that when the other one comes home
maz xxx
hi maz
just letting you know from my experience about my one and only boy of 9 years of age.
me and hubby sat down and told him “mums got a lump that was cancer in her boobie.” his reply was oh no are you going to die?
“mum has to have the lump cut out.” his reply was ok
“the very clever doctors at the hospital cut away all the cancer.” his reply was ok
“mum now has to have medicine that will make her hair fall out!!” we introduced the wig at this point and his reply was - oh no, you’re going to look funny.
each time we told him something maz, we gave him a chance to reply and take in, in his own little way of what we were telling him.
I was given a book called “Mummys lump” by Macmillan and asked him if he would like to read it and he just said “nah, not yet mum”. I don’t push any info onto him, he knows I’ve been for my 2nd chemo today.
Now and again he’ll have a ‘mummy moment’ (not cool at 9 years of age apparently) and we always say that he can ask us anything and we’ll tell him the truth. Been a tough year for him really looking back - he knows the tooth fairy and father christmas is us!!!
just a funny moment a few weeks ago - this is how the conversation went:
Oliver: “Mum, do gays have sex?”
Me: “Yes, now what do you fancy for your tea?”
Oliver: “Anything - can I play out?” !!!
good luck, and try and get hold of the book, nicely illustrated!
julie
maz
sorry also meant to tell you, my hubby gave me a Number one haircut all over before it started to fall out!! complete with zigzag stripes!!!
his friend saw it the other day and said it was the coolest haircut he’s ever seen.
take care
julie
xx
Hi Ladies,
Here’s the link to BCC’s publication “Mummy’s Lump” which can be ordered free of charge.
Jo, Facilitator
My boys are a little older but I didn’t tell them straight away until I was clearer what treatment I needed. Hadn’t decided before surgery whether I would use the c word at all. Eventually decided to do so in case they heard from anyone else and were more scared by picking up half stories. I then explained that my other treatment (I’m having rads not chemo) was preventative x
i have sat down with my son and read MOMMYS LUMP he made me change the names of the two children to his and my youngests daughters names; was very quick to tell me i didnt stay in hosptial when i had my lump removed and that he would make me a card and look after me when i start to feel unwell bless so i think he understands a little more thanks for that link
he keeps asking if im ok now as i have the flu lol
maz xxx