Mary and margaret you are both very lucky … I would love all or any of that I have no hugs cuddles nothing I have a family but sometimes I feel so alone
I am honoured that you have shared such intimate secrets with us xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I’ve been reading this thread and realise that I really am very lucky.My hubby has been absolutely fantastic through this whole horrible episode in our lives.He’s the usual West of Scotland macho man and on the surface doesn’t “Do Feelings”,but he has made me feel as attractive as he found me at 15years of age,even when I’ve been an absolute horror. He has taken me out and treated me to nice clothes and has spent a lot of time walking round lochs and anything else I fancy. I wish I could share him,but I’m too selfish!
Tricia
I was looking at where I had my lump removed this morning and I asked my OH how he would feel if I only had one breast. He replied “I would give the remaining one a double dose of love” which I thought was very sweet.
Margaret - it is not strange at all - it is a way in which you have been able to express your feelings and have them reflected back to you. I am sorry that it is not your husband. but we all know now that life is not perfect and that rosey lil picture that is painted is really not a reality for most of us; it is just that a picture.
Mary - I could hug you – go for it. I just wish you the very best. And Trish the same…good for you. There is no room on our hearts for bitterness or hate. I think I speak for all of us.
many hugs,
Emily
xxx
Hi Emily et al this site really does get you to talk about stuff I could never broach this subject with OH …I am not the person I was before BC and I never will be … on the outside yeah …still get up do the hair like you said make up nice clothes no roots and to all those on the outside but a lot skinnier … I am the same Maria that I was before … but thats the thing I am not that person ,I am scarred mentally and physically and I have resigned myself to making the best of what I have and live without that side of my relationship its gone and it will never come back I have give up trying xxxxxxxx
Maria - that is such a beautiful name. it is really something how we look the same outside but have changed so much inside. It makes you wonder about all the people you see every day. What are they dealing with, how has their heart broken, what types of changes have gone on in their lives that are imperceptible to us?
I can no longer take people at face value…life is just too complicated. And as people our lives are so intricate with so many sensitive trigger points, it’s hard to tell if folks are what they seem. Probably not. I know that with bc, I am not the same person inside. BC is a very clarifying disease. It whittles away the superfluous and leaves you with a thick elixir of reality. So we each deal with it as we can.
So…hugs to you. is it not productive to have a thread, do you think? would it be too painful or do you think we might be able to help one another?
Emily
xxx
Hi,
I’m writing this because I used to feel that I would never love again. I was divorced, and getting along happily with my two boys, and had resigned myself to that. However, I met a miracle man. He is warm, generous, loving and adores me whatever I look like, however I am. Even before the BC I was scarred from a burns accident, I am also bolshy, confrontative and know my own mind. This man took all that on, and says that no matter what he will be there, that he will always find me sexy, that he will always want me. I’ve put him through a lot in the two years since I met him, mostly because I didn’t believe him, but he is still here, still wanting me and making me feel sexy, solid, and adoring, and I am finally believing through all this that he loves me.
I think that is what I’m saying really. That sometimes, all we need to do is give people a chance to love us, even when we really don’t feel we’re lovable.
You are all fantastic women,
Caron x
Hi Ladies,
I am so glad I happened to read this thread. I have mixed emotions about it, well maybe not emotions but I will try to explain.
I met my husband when I was 16, half my life ago. Before I started dating him my relationships would be a couple of weeks and then I would get bored.
I started getting interested in boys quite young, possibly due to not having a father in my life and yearning for male attention maybe.
So when I met him I fell madly in love I think anyway. He has been with me through thick and thin over the last 16 years but it isn’t enough for me.
I may sound very cold and hard but it is how I feel.
My daughter will be 3 in August and 3 months after she was born he was introduced to online games, for the first few months I let it pass, I was busy with our latest addition.
But it got to the stage where every waking moment was spent on the computer. I hated it, resented it everything. Then I though if you can’t beat him join him, so I started to play.
But I got bored and it wasn’t real, yes we talked to people on line but it had taken over our lives. On the rare occasions we went out that was all the conversation was about, these virtual ppl (sorry ladies).
My husband has a fiery temper and not long after Abby was born I asked him to bath her, he was on the computer, he gave me that look that said FFS so I told him not to bother I would do it, I went in to run the bath and he came in and went to grab the shower head. We had one of those mixer taps with the shower attached and it was set to shower so when I turned on the taps it soaked him, he lost it and fired the shower into the bath, cracking it. I grabbed my daughter and was leaving, my mother had been in an abusive relationship and he knew I would never accept that. He used my boys, he started crying and hugging them and they wouldn’t come with me so I didn’t leave, how I wish I had just grabbed them and ran.
Anyway I suppose things have never been right since that day. We have had lots of arguments and he was even told he was’t welcome at his parents for his attitude, although that is sorted.
Things go up and down and I remember 1 night wanting to be intimate with him, he was on the PC, I came in to the room in my undies and sat on his lap his words were “Hold on a minute”!, I just got up put my biggest ugliest pyjamas on and went straight to bed. How to make a girl feel good.
Before my dx I was seriously considering leaving, I really have had enough. He stopped smoking years ago and put on a lot of weight, I know I am no way the size I used to be but he is doing nothing to improve it, well until 2 weeks ago anyway.
He does want me but only when he feels like it, but he has a look, my youngest son has it too, they have hazel eyes and they seem to stare right through you. That look I don’t know I don’t like it it scares me.
God it does make you open up. Anyway my husband loves me with all his heart I think and loves my body but although I love him I feel numb now. It’s gone whatever it is, and no matter how hard I try to make it work, there is a huge chunk of me that doesn’t want to. I am fed up playing second fiddle to a machine and I am fed up at how he is always giving off to the boys.
Rant over, I am now in tears at the thought of how crap life can be sometimes, and all this is the least of our worries.
Love and hugs
Lisa
xoxo
Hey Lisa,
That sounds pretty grim. Get through this and then get rid of him. Which sounds tough and unfeeling, but my sis has been listening to me gripe (long-distance) about my very decent - totally unphysical - husband for a while and that’s what she said to me. Then she came to visit and toned down her tune - I think she took a good look at how I now look and thought I should hang onto what I’ve got because there won’t be any second chances - haha. God I am ugly - I was shopping in a mall yesterday and kept catching sight of myself in windows and mirrors and I was, without exception, the most hideous person in the whole complex. A head coming out of the neck of my shirt that looked just like a walrus!
As for the whole partnership/intimacy question. It’s one of those difficult choices: my sister has been separated from her husband for years now, though she’s never been without a boyfriend, and she says she wouldn’t live with a man again at any price; the relationship which Margaret has with her gay ‘lover’ sounds wonderful - I’ve had similar myself - & yet is comparatively unconventional; some of us have husbands we love in a fond/friendly way but are a bit shattered to think that if we stay with them we will never have passion - or possibly even a good cuddle - again. I remember having a flirtation (under the watchful eye of my dad) with a wonderful bloke at a house party in England a few years ago and weeping copiously in the car going home because I’d never get to do that for real again. I kind of got over it - the OH is a good bloke - but, I tell you, when the worst of all this is over, I’m going to have a fling, somehow, somewhere, and discreetly. I’ve haven’t been unfaithful in our 22 years together & neither, I’m certain, has my husband, which is all very well, but now seems to be a bit of a waste seeing as there is nothing physical within the marriage either.
So: what do you say, ladies, to having a ‘Missing in Action’ meet somewhere a bit tawdry like Tenerife, taking on fake identities for a week, and really letting it all hang out?!! I can pretend that the walrus-head is just a clever disguise.
Love to all,
M-L
Emelle, if I went we would have to sit together because I truly look like a tortoise and the thought of it being a disguise is great. Margaret
Hi all I can relate to the PC nonsense cos my husband spends his life on his not playing games … well possibly !! I will explain I walked in his office the other night and couldnt believe the contents of the email on the screen … i felt sick I havent been able to think about anything else this on top of the BC I cant take it … it does however explain a few things that have happened recently …I really dont want to think about what it suggests but I cant stop I havent said a word carried on as normal and he is as nice as anything to me …I went in last night and I saw something about two weeks time so i am waiting to see what happens then ? What do i do ignore it and hope its just a whim I am driving myself nuts …please help !!! I could never even anticipate that he could be so cruel and insensitive at a time like this but I suppose its my own fault cos i quote “Its about time you put this BC thing behind you and stop going on about it and get back to normal !!!”
Whats normal?
OMW Mazaroo.
I can’t even begin to imagine what was in the e-mail.
I am so sorry that you have this added pressure on top of everything else.
I must sound so selfish now after what I have put in here.
Please if you ever need someone feel free to PM me or chat away.
I don’t really have any pearls of wisdom for this.
I think it is true that they are from another planet.
I know my OH loves me very much but maybe there is too much water under the bridge as they say, but I am still here and things might change.
Love and hugs Maz
Lisa
xoxo
Mazaroo -
I am so sorry to hear about your discoveries.
I am beginning to think that normal is really the abnormal these days. There is no normal. It is all relative to the couple.
If you ignore what you saw, how will you live with him?
And if you talk with him about it, do you think he will talk with you?
Perhaps you can open up a discussion about how your bc is affecting you both…
Our support is with you.
Emily
xxx
Thanx Emily and Lisa … I have decided to leave it a while and think what to do … if I confront him it will turn into a massive row and I couldnt cope with that and having to explain to the kids whats going on …I have sat and thought about it … he doesnt go out all the time so if its a her they havent met its just chat.or they already know each other …and have just been thrown together cos I have been ill and scared to do the physical stuff …cos last nites mail had my name in it so whoever knows I exist !! I really dont know what to do …he carries on as normal he was even on the laptop last nite in the lounge while I wsa in and out that when i saw the one with my name in …if we have a big row about it I know that things will be said that we will regret which i wantto avoid …I really dont have the strength to cope with that as well as the BC .I really havent any idea what to do …I am cracking up ,Lisa its a lonely life playing second fiddle to a PC .he think cos we have fab holidays a lovely big house I have a new car and nice clothes and jewelry and stuff that is enough well how wrong can anyone be , but without him I would have none of this stuff nowhere to live nothing and coping with BC as well I couldnt take it so I will grin and bear it for the time being .
Thanx for listening xxxxxxxxxdunno what I would do if i didnt have this place xxx
Maz hunny that is so awful.
I really don’t know what to say. I know it is so hard to think rationally these days, everything feels so complicated.
I hope you can just sit and wait without it causing too much additional stress.
I am so worried about you, how could he be so awful about your BC, it is so hard for them to see exactly what we feel and need.
But rest assured hunny we are all here for you, no matter what.
If there is someone else involved and you have kids you may not have to give up everything you are accustomed to, but take it easy for now and see how you feel in a few days.
Love and hugs
Lisa
xoxo
Hi all
Maz how are you? I really do feel for you.
I left my marriage after 30 years. He was controlling and I was treading on eggshells all the time. Then I got brave and left. We have 2 grown up daughters and we remained friends. If left to me I wouldn’t have seen him but he used to keep in touch. I wasn’t brave enough to cut off contact altogether. I enjoyed living on my own but then I got BC. I was in a flat I couldn’t afford and bless him he does love me loads and he said he wanted to look after me through this. I moved back the family home the night before my op. I thought it has taken this BC to get us back together but now he is starting to be like he was for all those years.
I love him in a caring way but I am not in love with him and couldn’t even think about letting him touch me but it hurts to think I won’t have a physical relationship again.
Liz xx
EmilyJane - I loved what you said about looking at other people and wondering about their lives and loves and heartaches, that you can’t take people at face value, and you never know what’s going on inside.
Also, Mary and Margaret - I’ve come late to this, but I think you both have something lovely - long may it go on.
I also identify with the pain poured out on here by everyone that we feel very alone, very violated by the people who do the treatments that keep us alive - how much do they realize the effect they have?
Also, I identify with feeling very much in need of regaining ownership of our bodies, very much in need of privacy, and sensitive handling, and yet very very very much in need of love.
Also, the thought that my sex life is over - well, I don’t actually need to be alive if that is how it is going to be, it was a waste of time and money. Is that how it is going to be, or can we be rehabilitated, even with this mutilation? That leaflet on sexuality and intimacy is dreadful; it doesn’t really confront the fundamental issues. I mean genuinely rehabilitated - I am not interested in having sex without the spark, and my husband isn’t either - does anyone actually recover a good enough sex life after treatment for this disease?
Hi allI realy cant describe how I feel … other that I have been stabbed a few times and I cant believe that I have spilled my guts out onto thej BCC forum .OH didnt come home last had a do with work … I have just come back from Hosp appt and he has just rang to ask why I wasnt at work …he ob forgot boiut the hosp …he was moaning bout a really sore throat poor thing !!! It must be from all the chatting he has been doing … didnt even ask bout the hosp and my other impending surgery …just his throat !!! It was so less stressful last nite when he wasnt here suppose he will be back on line all night…making up for not chatting to his "buddies " for 24 hours
I really dont know what to do for the best I just have this sick feeling all the time and want to cry !
Bloody men I hate em ,reading all these posts on here makes me glad I aint one …I am sure there are plenty of women who are going through far worse than me at least my OH isnt violent I really dont like him very much at the moment will see waht the next few days brings …hope you are all feeling well and thanx for listsening to the story of my sad little life 
Love and hugs to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
mazaroo-
first the most important…many many hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{maz}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am so glad you have this forum. I barely know what to say to you - you are so raw and vulnerable and open and hurt.
just hugs and so much empathy for you.
>
Again, many many hugs. You may find that if you start up your own life, he will be curious and come back to you. Strength often does that…it is very alluring!!! I hope these thoughts help. It may be that when this is over, and bc is healed, because you ARE going to be healed, that the very best thing would be for you to leave. Well, then you will be ready and fully able to take care of yourself.
I am sorry this is such a long post. But I really hope that it may be helpful.
love
Emily
xxx
Emily thanx for your reply …I have thought a lot these past few days and I think that this is what I am going to do in the short term …as I have just come back from my appt and I have a tumour in each eye that I am now going to have removed …they are "certain " that they are benign but they are very painfu;l and need to be gone …I am also waiting for my recon to be finished in July …so physically let alone mentally I am not in a position to go anywhere yet so I am going to sit it out for a while and as you say hope he hangs himself cos these things have a habit of getting out of hand and when that happens I will be ready …it may be cold and calculated but no more than he has been doing to me at the lowest time in my life …sitting thinking about things i now realise that he has never been there for me even when my mum died Sept 05 then my dad Nov 05 did he not even come with me to their bedside so I have drawn the conclusion that he is a selfish heartless pig .
I am now getting angry for letting him get me so upset .I know that it will be difficult to turn a blind eye but it has to be done till the time is right I am so glad that I have this forum as although my closest friend knows all about it she cannot see it from the dealing with the BC point of view and how we feel about ourselves after surgery and stuff.I know its going to be hard …but battling BC is harder and I seem to be managing that ,hugs and lots of love to you all for taking the time to read my posts and offer your advice when you are going through a difficult time also
Thank you so much M.