It’s been hard but I’ve cracked it without crying all the time! I’m 39 and have brain mets as well as everywhere else so realistically I’m unlikely to reach my 49th. I HAD planned to choose all my gave songs from the last 40 years and stick them on sn iPod on shuffle. If die before then I plan to okay it at my wake. Um also doing a scrapbook for each decade filled with memories, photos& pic from that era off the web. I’d like a purple iced madeira cake with fancy black icing. I’d Luke memory boards for people to bring fotos of mr and some of those revision type cards underneath for peeps to write what they’ll remember me for… I’ve got a gorgeous black dress. Wish to be cremated n… It’s all to painful for my nears & dearest so I’m planning it with the halo of a few close friends & my friend who’s also my solicitor.
At times tho I’ve been ’ caught in the act’ and questioned by my husband, sister or mum. I’ve daid “don’t ask it’s funeral related” they usually stop at this point but the other day my mum persisted. She means well but had a tendency to take over St times… You can’t have music at a wake?! Don’t be silly, you can’t have a cake?! And then when I said about the memory board she got all upset and said she didn’t need my friends to remind her of her daughter thank you very much!!! I KNOW my dad would be like mr and would say do what u like love. I’m worried now that THEY will decide what’s appropriate and I won’t have the off the wall wake that will reflect my personality… There will be nothing I can do about it?! C
Hi Molster
I don’t have personal experience of what you are going through, but can relate a little from my mum’s experience. She had a brain tumour and died in her mid 50s. She tried to make it clear to everyone what she wanted for her funeral/wake, but once she died my Dad wanted to do it his way. I knew what Mum wanted and was adamant that we did it that way … including having her cremated whereas Dad wanted a grave to visit and wished to have her buried. I don’t regret digging my heels in to ensure that we did what she wanted, except about the burial. In many ways the funeral and what happens to the body is for those left behind.
But we had a big ‘party’ at my brothers house with nothing to drink but champagne, told lots of stories about my mum focusing on those that made us laugh and played the music she had chosen at both the ‘party’ and during the service.
But … we had mum’s real wake 7 weeks before she died and she was there! Her birthday was on 31 Dec, and she had made a comment about how much she would like to be at her own funeral because she knew that there were lots of people who would come that she hadn’t seen in a long time. So we invited them all to my brother’s house and had a big party with 70 of mum’s friends and relatives. We all wrote memories of her on a big board and said why she was special to us on a big board and in the last few weeks of her life in the hospice she read them with us and we all laughed and cried. But she knew how special she was to everyone and that was great.
You are very young to have to be thinking about this and I can’t even imagine how difficult it is. But I would suggest that if you can manage it find out what those nearest to you would like and incorporate some of those ideas too, because the funeral and wake are important to them too.
Best wishes,
Jacqui
Hi both
No wise words from me, just sadness that we have to think like this. But I suppose at the same time this is a great opportunity for us to influence our big send-off. Molster, you’ve got some great ideas for doing something your way, which - for those that would appreciate it - would be a great way for people to remember you.
Jacqui, I think it’s a brilliant idea to have the ‘wake’ before one actually dies! Think that’s what I would like to do. I certainly don’t want a dour do where people sit around looking and feeling glum.
Molster, could you do something like this for your friends and then have a separate ‘do’ for your family, perhaps more traditional if that’s what they would prefer, even let them organise something after you’ve gone, when it really doesn’t matter (from your point of view) what they do? The only other thing I would say is that this is surely really hard for your mother to see her little girl suffer so and not be able to help, so perhaps goes some way to explaining her attitude. It just isn’t natural for a child to die before the parent.
Alison x
Hi Alison,
I agree with you about Molster’s Mum. As a parent you never imagine that there will come a time when you are thinking about your child’s funeral. It must be terribly difficult for her. I know that of everyone I know my Dad is having the hardest time dealing with my BC.
Jacqui
Hi Molster,
I’m 25 and have bone & liver mets. It’s terrible to be thinking about dying at such a young age. I completely agree that the worst thing for parents is to see their child suffer and die. I can completely relate to how you are feeling. My parents probably feel the same way as yours.
I’m a religious person and don’t see death as “the end”, but my parents don’t share my belief and that’s not easy. So, I don’t discuss funeral etc with them.
I’ve also recently set up a personal website to share my life and happy memories with my closest friends and family. It doesn’t matter how long I have got, but it matters a great deal how I’m going to be related and remembered when I’m no longer here. I don’t want my life to be remembered for BC, but I want it to be remembered for the person I am, the way I lived my life and enjoyed it.
Take care & may we all stick around longer than we think.
xx
Wow Moister
I think you are amazing, and this is just what I would do. I have always been the family organiser bit of a control freak but in a good way! You must make it very clear to everyone including your mum, that this is what you want and it is very important for you to control this, as you have ultimately lost control of everything else. Make sure your solicitor friend follows your requests for you. Good luck with this and my sincerest best wishes for as long and as happy a life as possible.
Love Irene
Thank you So much for your replies. It’s not easy to address our own mortality - when we feel we are not ‘in’ control of our own life and especially as our final wishes are so personal - true to ourselves - but we don’t want to ulset our nearest & dearest…
It was actually taken out of my hands a couple of weeks ago. My sister. Mom n Hubby organised a surprise party for me. 170 people - family and friend I’ve made over thepast39 years some coming from ad far as London came up. I had no idea. My jinny had painstakingly recorded my gave songs from last 40 years, photocell round the room memory book …, s very emotional and exhausting days
Although it was PHENOMENAL, and everyone worked do hard - I feel now I have to go back to the drawing board and feplan …
…sorry, run out of rooz still have n
my scrap oils to do, still want a cake - may book myself into thr trclrding studio to sing a few songs. I’m eternally grateful but it dud feel abbot weird attending your own wake. I’ve ALESYS been a little unoryhodox & really my mom shouldn’t br surprised at me wanting to do stuff s bit different. I DO want to put the FUN ‘in’ FUNeral but also understand that this is lakes a time to grieve and let go. I SHAKL do things ‘in’ my own little way but shall of course be sensitive to my loved ones too. THANX EVERYONE XXX
I think it is great if you know what you want, i know it is hard to please everyone and you must think of your family especially your mum but still go for it, you have your solicitor friend to help you achieve what you want.
reneexx