A bit of a rant really…I’m about 10 days post mastectomy for lobular cancer and so far my recovery has gone well. I’m waiting on my results and I know from the biopsies that one lymph node was positive so I’m terrified that the rest will come back positive too! Overall I am trying to stay positive, especially as I have 2 young children aged 9 and 5.
Today I found myself drifting off into my own thoughts of ‘will I get better?’, ‘what if they found something else?’….and a whole load of other what ifs! I find myself wondering if I will ever get to do the things I haven’t done yet which I know sounds a bit dramatic but this whole scenario is traumatising along with the fact I find myself missing a part of myself physically as well as emotionally.
So far I know I’m expected to have chemo and radiotherapy but other than that I’m expectant yet anxious to get the appointment through the door so I can prepare myself for the next ‘level’ in this process. I find myself yearning for the carefree days when cancer wasn’t at the forefront of every thought and conversation. I just needed to put this down somewhere and here seemed like a good place.
Hi @Tabby-Lou , cancerworld certainly is a rollercoaster that’s for sure , just get over one hill then you come crashing down again . In the beginning it really does seem like you are living in some kind of parallel universe , watching people living their “ normal non cancer lives “ from the outside . The good news is it does get better and you find a way to have “ normal “ alongside cancer treatment ,
When I was diagnosed 8 years ago now ,I read posts from people on the forum talking about holidays , plans to go out the dinner , weddings etc . I was absolutely amazed how people could talk about normal things alongside this cancer **** but you will find a way to have some normality and enjoyment no matter what , your brain will find a way everyone does it just takes time x
Hi Tabby-Lou,
In the recent past you have been told you have cancer, gone through a mastectomy and sentinal node biopsy or axillary clearance? NO wonder you feel all over the place. I used to find if I didn’t have the answer, I would make it up, and my mind always went to the worst possible scenario.
If that sounds similar, once I got my post surgery results my mind stopped making it up and then I could work through chemo and radiotherapy and plan in a more organised way, which helped.
I agree with Jill1988. I couldn’t believe when someone told me I would be happy again - really? how was that going to be possible? how could she say that? Yet one year on, I am! Sometimes I even have to stop and wonder if the last year was real. Then I see the big gap where my right breast used to be.
I still worry about every niggle and am trying to get better about the two week rule, ‘If it’s still a problem in 2 weeks then I’ll tell someone’.
I also miss the carefree days when cancer wasn’t in my mind at some point every day. When people talk about pensions and I wonder if I will ever reach that stage. However, a year ago, I didn’t think I could ever be happy again so who knows how I will think in another year 
Hold on in there. You’re still in the wobble stage, recovering from surgery, waiting for news on the next stage, lots of unknowns still - you’re doing great. Just think about getting through the day, doing your exercises, eating well, building up your strength, doing at least a couple of fun things each day, get sleep, plan distractions. Your mind has no time then to make it up
Big hugs
Laura
Thank you both, that makes me feel a bit more in control and that I’m not completely losing it!
I’m holding vigil for my follow up letter to discuss the results which I hope to get in the next week or so, I just need clarification on what I’m dealing with and the next steps! Too many ifs and buts for my liking!
I have spent the last few days doing small trips etc which has certainly helped snapped me out of my negative mindset. Onward and upwards….!