Hello, I would like to introduce myself, I’m Jules 57 years old.
After initially seeing my gp for headaches asked her to check on an achy left boob in June 22, no lump but she noticed a dimple.
Within 4 weeks after scans/ biopsies etc the diagnosis was lobular cancer, stage 3, estrogen positive, 70mm, which had spread to lymph nodes. Mastectomy 1st July followed with chemotherapy x 8, radiotherapy x 4 weeks and started on Abemaciclib in February 2023 for 2 years & letrozole for 10 years.
As like most of us I’ve had problems with infections with many hospital visits and antibiotics.
I’m now 5 weeks post Diep surgery and reduction on right boob. I have been so positive from the very beginning but strangely it’s only now I’m feeling it’s spread and I will have secondaries. Its been a long road and I know I should feel happy but I’m convinced it’s not over, does everyone feel like this?
Dear Jules,
Welcome to the forum, we have all been there, and now we are here for you. I think you should be very proud of yourself how far you’ve come with such a positive outlook, It’s only natural the way that you’re feeling at the moment you’ve been through so much. Unfortunately, Breast Cancer Does overtake us and we never want lose our comfort blanket.
Try not to worry, this is very easy for me to say but having been there it will get easier as time goes on and I am sure lots our Lovely ladies, come on the site with reassurance for you.
Maybe looking to the moving forward course which I found was excellent. I’m not sure where you live, but you can have a look on the site to see if there’s anything in your area
Wishing you well, going forward with health and happiness ahead. Please let us know how you are doing
With the biggest hugs Tili 
Hi Jules,
I feel exactly the same. Diagnosed Jan 23, grade 3 with 2 affected lymph nodes and also on Abemaciclib. I feel cancer is always present, I’m tired and have aches and discomfort that causes anxiety. Bloods are ok but I can’t discuss these feelings with family or friends as don’t want to worry them or bore them, so I read this forum and realise I’m not abnormal. I’m hoping eventually I will complete Abemaciclib and feel like my old self but I’ve still 18 months to go.
I’m new to all this - 3 weeks tomorrow since I found out - and amidst all the horrors of this, one of my big concerns is can I ever be happy again. I mean truly happy. I see people around that I know have had cancer previously and see them laughing/talking, behaving normally etc… and I now wonder if it’s all a big pretence or if they truly have found a new happy in their lives. Sorry, I’m not really answering your post but I do wonder what the future holds. I used to be able to find contentment in my life quite easily with a nice coffee and a book, walk with my dog etc… but now I just think, when I get through this year, that’s it… I can never ever be like that again. Perhaps someone further down this road can answer…
Hi Jules6. I completely understand where you are coming from. I am 43 and was diagnosed last September. Had a lumpectomy in October and finished radiotherapy a few weeks ago. I know I was lucky to get mine caught early but I cannot shake the feeling that it will come back to bite me. I have had headaches this week…I automatically assume brain secondaries. I have an ovarian cyst that is being monitored…to me it must be cancerous. It has already happened once, why not again?
I do have times of thinking about it less but it never goes away completely.
I have actually just got off the telephone from a psychologist that my breast care team referred me to and am going to go for a few in person sessions to try and help me stay on an even keel. I would also recommend contacting Macmillan if you haven’t already as everyone with a cancer diagnosis is entitled to 6 free telephone counselling sessions with Bupa. This has helped me stop having a meltdown!
I hope you can find the tools you need to stop the worry from getting too overwhelming. It sounds like you have coped so well with some very tough treatment but you are a human being and this isn’t easy. Lots of love 
Hi Donna_51, I’m so sorry you’ve joined the club which no one wants to join. It is a huge shock - which you have only just received. Please be gentle with yourself and “selfish” - if that means putting yourself first when you’re not used to it.
Well done for reaching out to this forum. Everyone here has been through cancer and will support you in any way we can.
I can’t answer your question. Cancer affects everyone differently, so I can speak only for myself, and hope that some of it helps you.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer 18 months ago, following a routine mammogram. Sometimes it still seems surreal - as if it happened to someone else. I had a lumpectomy and 2 lymph nodes removed, followed by 15 sessions of radiotherapy.
Like so many people, I concentrated on getting to all the medical appointments and getting through the treatment, reminding myself that it was all designed to help me, even when it didn’t always feel like that !
Then I fell into a mental black hole, and was so grateful that Maggie’s in Edinburgh was there to help me. And Macmillan nurses. And the Macmillan online community. And this forum.
The message from all of them was that it’s okay to not be okay. Maggie’s said they worry about the few people who come to them and say they’re fine ! It will almost certainly hit them later and harder. I spent many hours at Maggie’s drinking tea, eating biscuits - there’s an endless free supply - talking to people and crying.
The first time I felt remotely “normal” was about 15 months after I was diagnosed, ie nearly a year after I’d finished treatment (excluding taking Letrozole / Exemestane).
Since then, there have been times when I have genuinely forgotten I’m a cancer survivor, and have enjoyed going to see a film, walking my neighbours’ dogs, playing with my cats etc.
I am told that cancer patients never return to what was their “normal” before diagnosis, but somehow, as time passes, we discover or make for ourselves a new normal.
It doesn’t all happen at once. And you can be triggered right back into your fears and anxieties. Last night, for the first time for weeks, I found myself awake at 3 am, worrying about recurrence. Someone in my Maggie’s group has just been told her cancer has returned.
So we are all vulnerable, but I am sometimes genuinely happy. I try to enjoy those times. I also try to be kind to myself when I get the heebie-geebies ! (They’re always worse in the wee small hours.)
I hope something there helps you. Thinking of you and sending big hugs 
Hello lovely lady
I’m a year post op ( lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy) followed by chemo and radiotherapy and definitely a glass halfull lady but my god at my first mammogram last month after all thats gone on i was a wreck…it was clear but bp and anxiety were iff the scale
I have whole days and even weeks where i dont even think about last year but there are black days, we are human, we are still us, we are stilll here
All i can say is:
Be kind to your self
Every day is precious so live it, love it, and laugh often, hug those you love, tell them your fears
I’m retiring early and going to have all the experiences i want, all the trips on my to do lists and I wake up every day thinking hello , lets do this
Hugs and blessings to you
Five years for me massive wobble this year triggered by sciatica which have never had before and was convinced I was dying . Then the annual mammogram letter was lost followed by routine blood tests which went wonky and left me nervous wreck . And now I have the Dexa scan as on Letrozole 10 years .It’s tough and you can’t go back to where you were because the fear never quite goes away . But most of the time you accept life is precious maybe even more so . Take care all x
Hi Jules,
I read your post and empathised. I’m also 57 and am a bit further along the journey being 2 years on from my diagnosis.
The anxiety you are feeling about recurrence and spread is very common and I’ve struggled with it a lot. It’s a work in progress but I’m getting there. Going for yearly mammograms is also triggering.
I think we do cope initially when we’re going through the early diagnosis and treatment because we’re numb and that inner strength gets us through. Then, when you’ve finished your treatment or getting close and perhaps don’t see your BC nurse as often as before then you can feel adrift, alone and scared and everything catches up with you.
At the end of the day going through BC will change you and it’s normal to grieve for the carefree life that you had before when we didn’t have all this worry. I felt the same, but it does get easier and you will gradually think less about it and some days you won’t think about it at all and will feel happy again. It’s early days for you but you will get your life back. You will be stronger for going through this.
Do take advantage of free counselling (it will probably be on the phone), speak to your nurse who can advise about moving forward and talk to Macmillan.
All the best x
Senderos mg you a big, tender and understanding hug !
Across this forum you can see that life permanently changes after diagnosis, but that it will gradually get easier as the months and years pass 
I just wanted to add that it is important to take time to give some space for your emotions. I went back to work and ‘normal life’ far too soon after my treatment ended. 1 year down the line, I completely broke down, and ended up taking a few months off. I spend my days crying and being angry and imaging the worst future (recurrence), but I can see that I need to go through this to learn how to ‘reset’ myself. I sort of wish I’d taken more time off immediately following treatment, but then again I think it takes a while after a trauma for the emotional damage to set in. Take one day at a time and listen to what your body and mind need - and, as I have learnt, be prepared that this will take time. Humans are amazing creatures who somehow manage to rebuild and carry on after a trauma. And so you will 
Hello to everyone immersed in post-cancer anxieties.
I can add a fairly long-term perspective to the issue. I was first diagnosed 16 years ago and went through the mastectomy/chemo/radiotherapy/hormone route. My anxiety then was about the other small, dense breast, but, after I was refused a second mastectomy, I persuaded myself that I would just deal with it when/if it happened. I found the second(completely different) primary 6 years ago. So yes, I did deal with it, chemo/second mastectomy/herceptin/zoladex. I was glad I hadn’t wasted too much time on worrying about the issue as I had 10 great years between, and what would have been the point of feeling miserable.
Now like anyone after a primary diagnosis there are issues of secondaries. So, over the years i have found that the medical services are really helpful and sympathetic about checking out ongoing, unexplained symptoms. My weight loss was diagnosed as coeliac disease, the headaches as high blood pressure, the persistent cough as sinus problems, the lethargy and nerve symptoms in my legs as thyroid issue, the lumps on my chest wall as fat necrosis!!! So if we take a reasonable, measured approach to symptoms that don’t go away, the medics will take them seriously and investigate. Currently i am feeling fit and well, and grateful I got these other things diagnosed quickly.
How to stop worrying in the meantime. My recipe is to keep busy, exercise most days, eat healthily, talk to friends, and live in the NOW not the future, by practising mindful meditation if I do feel anxious. Other people get immersed in music, art/craft, volunteering etc etc. The charity offers ‘someone like me’ and helpline chats that are all useful coping tools. My rationale is, if I do get secondaries I will cope with that, just like so many women are doing every day.
I’m sure everyone tends to keep ‘looking over their shoulder’ after a cancer diagnosis, and I don’t expect it will ever go away. We just get used to it and it does fade as time passes.
Wishing you all happiness
Eily
Hi Donna
I am a year in. 6 rounds of chemo, surgery and radiotherapy. Still having HER 2 treatment and mildly obsessed with secondaries. The truth is that I think you will be happy again - it can be found among the ruins. Perhaps sometimes you find happy in the smaller things, as the ‘bigger’ thing tends to be always lurking in the background. At least, for me at this stage. I’m definitely a different person now. I yearn for a clean bill of health, but realistically no one ever has that. Despite the lurking darkness, I do find myself more thoughtful and grateful; a year ago today I didn’t even know if I’d be here to spend time with my kids.
All you can do is fight through the treatment, try to stay positive and look after yourself. I try to make sure I eat properly, sleep enough and get fresh air and exercise every day (a walk/run with my EarPods always lifts my mood, even through chemo.) That’s my survival strategy and if the bugger comes back, I’ll know that I did everything I could.
Lots of love and good luck to you. The horror at the start of your journey is the worst part. You will find that you are stronger than you ever knew and that in itself is a bit of a gift. An unwanted gift but a gift nevertheless. xx
Thank you so much to everyone who responded.
Really appreciated and I have booked onto the moving forward course which starts in May in my area. I find being positive has helped family, friends and myself through my journey and I just had a wobble with a rough week.
Im only 5 weeks post diep reconstruction with reduction on other side and feeling a bit sore and sorry for myself ! I’ve had a good talk to myself to “woman-up”. Sending positive energy to you all x
Welcome to the forum @jules6
As you can see there are many kind and wonderful people here, and I hope you find the support you are looking for.
I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and hope that you find the Moving Forward course useful. Please know that our nurses are also here for you any time, here on the forum on the Ask our Nurses your questions or over the phone 0808 800 6000.
We’re thinking of you,
Lucy
Hi Joules,
I completely understand where you are coming from and no matter how positive you are, that feeling comes and bites you in the bum when you least expect it. You have done great. Try not to waste your tme worrying about something that may not happen, try to enjoy your cancer free times. I had my treatment through 2022. We are survivors!!! Xx
Hi Donna-I can identify. Found out I had breast cancer about a year and a half ago and I had a lumpectomy and radiation. However, the worry comes up quite often that it will return…a worry that I never had before. I have learned to take one day a time and one treatment at a time and focus on the positive. I am attaching a link to an article that I think will really help you. We can be truly happy even when facing what we are facing!
https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/awake-no1-2018-mar-apr/way-of-happiness-physical-health/
Jen
Hi there,
I have found your post very reassuring. I’m 47 and was diagnosed last year and had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy. I’m normally so positive and I’m back doing everything I was before but can’t get rid of the niggling feeling that it will come back. The professionals assure me it’s all gone and I don’t want to be negative but I can’t stop thinking about this last 8 months. Maybe that’s normal and in time it will pass.
Sending love and hope you are well Jen x
Hi Jen-I am so glad to hear that you found my post reassuring! I went through the same thing-I had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy and I am currently on a hormone blocking pill. I did not have chemotherapy even though they recommended it. I did my own research and decided against it so that is one reason why that worry returns now and then. My Dr’s have also been very supportive and have assured me it is all gone so I need to keep that in mind that they are the experienced ones and that I need to trust them. I have my yearly mammogram next week and hoping for a good report. The thing that really helps me more than anything though is understanding why bad things like cancer happen to good people and looking into the Bible has helped me tremendously. I understand why these things happen and how God is going to fix it in the future. One of my favorite verses is in Jeremiah 29:11 where God says “He wants to give us a future and a hope”. Please check out jw.org for many comforting and educational videos and articles-they will bring you peace of mind and comfort. Sending love and hugs! Jen G.