Can anyone help put thier view on this. I was diagnosed in 2002 with B.C resulting in mastectomy, radio, reconstruction requiring several ops. I am now well on the road to putting B.C behind me. My husband (of 15 yrs) was my rock during this time and I could not fault him in any way. However, as a result of the many pills I have to take along with the ops and impacts B.C has, my sex drive has been on the floor. we had discussed this and I am due to stop taking all pills March 09. However, he has just walked out on me for someone he met in July, said that he cannot live without sex, love etc and has since rented a flat. He has tried to do it all kindly but I cannot face him for hurt. Our 2 boys are in pieces. He left 6 weeks ago. On odd occasions he calls but sounds cold and angry but claims he still loves me and thinks about me every day. Whats going on?
Really don’t know what to say…cancer has so many repercussions and people react in strange ways…reading through the posts you are not the first this has happened to. But maybe he thought that sex was the most important thing but has now found that it isn’t and is missing you for the nice person that you sound as though your are and that is why he sounds angry and is angry that you can’t face him. Is he visiting your children and spending time with them? Do you want him to come back?
Hi Lynne,
so sorry to hear you are having problems - BC effects so many people in so many ways - not just the person with it but all of those around them too. You have hinted that you think the problems may have come about by having a low sex drive following all of your treatments which happens to so many ladies, not just because of not feeling like making love but also caused by body image issues. Sadly our partners are not given any help or support to be able to cope with what has happened to us and are very much alone in all of it. They must be scared of our futures, saddened by our changed bodies and upset that our sex drive has diminished. He may feel you have pushed him away in denying his approaches which has made him look elsewhere for intimacy but from what you have said he may be regretting what he has done and is angry with himself and the world for allowing it to happen. If you still love him, and want him to come home then go and get him - he may feel he has let you down and unable to come home so you need to let him know he can if that is what you want. Ring Relate and go and speak to them together - my husband and I did this for very much the same reasons and it worked. It made me realise how my rejecting him had made him feel unloved and unwanted and made him realise it wasnt my fault that things had changed between the sheets but what I had been through. We now both understand more of the impact BC has had on our lives and are now both able to deal with it better and work together to get over the problems it causes. I am sure we are not alone in these types of difficulties but are just brave enough to admit it! Please seek help for you both - your two boys (I also have two boys) deserve to have both parents in the same house.
Take care and go speak to him.
Thinking of you
Clarabelle x
hi, i can really relate to your situation, i am 38 and been married 12 years with 2 children aged 9 and 5 i was diagnosed june 07 and have undergone chemo , surgery , rads and now herceptin, my husband has been fantastic throughout my treatment but we have had no physical contact at all since my diagnosis, we decided we did not want anymore children way before my diagnosis and i wanted him to see the doctor regarding the snip he always made excuses but said he might !! i had a difficult labour with my 1st child and a caserean with my 2nd i felt i had been through enough , then im hit with breast cancer !! he doesnt discuss it , we never use to argue but we niggle each other most of the time, i love him but he feels more like a friend than a husband
galen x
Dear Holly, Clarabelle and Galen, Thank you so much for your postings, I was really pleased to hear your thoughts as although friends have given me advice and guidance, no one understands like you will what the implications of B.C are. I must confess to smiling when I read about Sienna Millers new married lover going back to his wife and 4 children after 6 month affair. Really cheered me up that there’s hope for me yet! I have had a conversation with him since my posting and I kept strong but managed to let him know that I understood how he felt being rejected. Did not say too much as I am all over the place with my emotions. Part of me thinks “how could you do that to me after all I’ve been through”, another time I wonder how many men would stay in a marriage having been rejected for months on end. Lets see what happens from here. I will keep you posted Thanks again, Lynne.X