local support group for secondary breast cancer

Hi everyone. I havn’t posted for a while. No particular reason but seem to have been really busy. doing what I’m not sure. Anyway for those who dont know me I am 48. I was diagnosed with BC in Feb 2005 (cant believe its 3 years) had mastectomy followed by EC and radiotherapy. bone scan at diagnosis showed hot spot in one rib. ayear later bone scan showed another rib involved and two areas on spine. had radiotherapy to spine. had been taking tamoxifen and changed to arimidex. Oct 2007 had ct scan after coughing up blood which showed spread to both lungs and liver. Currently having Paclitaxel two weeeks on and one week off. only 4 more to go. Ctscan half way through showed significant improvement.

Trying to find a local support group for women with secondary breast cancer.The local support group is for primary as well as secondary and I feel that the problems are different. I live in Darlington Co.Durham and would love to hear from anyone who either attends a group or who would like to meet up.

Maddison

Hi maddison

You may find the live chat session for people diagnosed with secondary breast cancer of interest. It is an on-line session where you are able to talk to others who may be in a similar situation to yourself.

It is held every Tuesday evening from 8.30pm to 9.30pm and details can be found at breastcancercare.org.uk//content.php?page_id=6218

If you are interested please feel free to join the next session on Tuesday evening.

I hope you find this helpful.

Kind regards

Sam
Bcc Facilitator

Hi Maddison
I live in Nth Yorks, not a million miles away from you. I am 58 but n ot yey in my dotage. My secondaries are in my bones and liver, have had mastectomy, rads, EC, Taxol and now on Capecitibine. I am not aware of any secondary support group but would like to meet and maybe we could start our own
Keep well
Mills

Hi Maddison

I think you might struggle with finding a secondary support group as it’s a different kettle of fish in dealing with things (as you might probably know) from the psychological and emotional point of view

We’ve decided (5 of us) to meet outside the main group (which I set up) and get together at a local restaurant but it’s by strict invitation only as we have to protect ourselves and don’t particularly want someone who might drag us all down (as we have got one lady who is in that situation).

I think as Mills says, it’s about getting together informally.

Good luck
Pinkdove

Thankyou pinkdove and Mills for your comments. I met 2 ladies at a healthy living day 3 years ago one who had a secondary diagnosis. We were great support for each other but sadly she died last year and although I still meet the other lady and we are graet friends I dont feel I can talk to he about certain things as I dont want to frighten her. I never felt I needed to attend the local support group but feel I need some support now. I would love to meet you Mills. Whereabouts do you live? Not sure how we would go about it as I know you aren’t allowed to exchange addresses on this site

Maddison

Maddison/Mills

Re exchanging addresses I believe I saw a message from moderator saying that if you each wrote to the moderator giving permission for the moderator to put you each in touch then this would work. Perhaps the moderator could confirm?

Good luck and best wishes

Regards

Nigel

Thank you Nigel. Hello Maddison, I don’t live a million miles from you, takes about 20 mins for me to get to Darlington. I will leave my details with the moderator, so hopefully we can arrange a meet. Anyone else want to join us?
Mills

Hi Moderator,

Can you confirm Nigel’s comments above?

Thanks, Jenny.

I would love to join you but I think I am miles away, I am way down on the south coast.

It is really difficult to find a secondary support group

Jennywren, did you go to westminster last October? .

Good luck with your meeting

Hi Fay,

Yes I went, I think I remember who you were (sorry - are!). How are you getting on?

Jenny
x

Hi Fay, I haven’t used live chat for a while but will try to remember next week.

Jennyx

P.S. Facilitator/moderator, whomever,

Is it correct that we can pass on details to you to be forwarded, with permission, to other users? All I am asking for is an answer to my question.

Jenny.

Thanks very much for your comments

Mills I will be in touch as I would very much likr to meet. I will aso try to give my details to the moderator. Not sure how to do it but will have ago.

Pnkdove - what do you mean by - having one lady who drags us down?

Maddison

Hi Maddison

One of our ladies who was diagnosed last October is very negative, very inward thinking and not really aware that we’ve also been through what she’s going through. I think she needs professional help from a counsellor or psychologist because of the way she talks and acts. I’m not saying that we haven’t all been through those emotions at some time or other but her way of thinking is different.

One example is that a close friend of mine (and hers) has just undergone a really huge operation to remove her sternum. She rang our friend’s husband and went on and on for half an hour about what’s going on for her and then, at the end, asked how our friend was but wasn’t really listening.

Hard to explain to you but hope that gives you a bit of an idea. We’ve all come to the same conclusion and although I feel bad that we can’t be there to offer her help, we also need to take care of ourselves and our get togethers would be totally dominated by her. Sounds really uncaring and harsh but we’re not but need to protect ourselves.

Pinkdove

Hi pinkdove.

I understand. its very hard when someone is wrapped up in themselves. Its very waring for everyone. I agree that it sounds as though she needs to speak to someone professional. I dont think its uncaring and agree it would change the dynamics of your support group.

I am dissappointed that here isnt a secondary support group in this area but from the sounds of it there doesnt seem to be many in any area. The emotions and experiences are completley different from primary diagnosis and there seems to be a big gap in services. Anyway I will make every effort to meet Mills and maybe we can get things started up here. I will also try and attend the local support group to see if there any women with secondary spread who would like to branch out.
Maddison

Hi Maddison

I think you’re going about it in the right way, it’s the same way as we’ve done.

I have a friend who happens to be the matron of our cancer and chemo wards and she’s asked if a lady she knows could join our group. I’ve said it might be best if she and I meet initially for coffee so am going to do that next week.

I agree with you that there’s a gap in services - the majority of areas don’t even have a dedicated breast care nurse for secondaries and most people aren’t given the information they need such as benefits, hospice info, etc. etc.

Good luck!

Pinkdove

Many years ago, those of us with secondaries asked for a specialist Healthy Living Day geared up to our needs. We’ve asked repeatedly for such an event over the years but for some reason, we can’t have this. What we wanted was a chance to meet up with others in our situation, get information about secondary breast cancer and then the pampering part of the conventional Healthy Living Days wouldn’t have gone amiss.

Obviously, as I’ve had secondaries for several years and been through quite a lot of treatment, the information part would now be to basic for me, but I’d still like this to happen for the newbies.

In that dim and distant past, a small group of us with secondaries, decided in the end to have our own “Unhealthy Living Day” at our own expense. Because at that time we could email each other via a BCC facility, we could arrange to meet up. The first meet was two days in a hotel in Coventry (chosen because it was fairly central). BCC warned us that we were putting ourselves in terrible danger meeting up with strangers in an unsupervised environment, but we went ahead anyway and it was a great success. Further “Unhealthy Living Days” followed over the years in other parts of the country. Obviously, we were able to arrange the socialising we wanted and hotels chosen usually have a spa, but the chance to get information from health professionals was / is lacking. Some of you might find going on one of those who be helpful if we could be allowed to contact you?

We were told that the Secondaries Taskforce would arrange suitable events for us, but anything on offer has sounded dreary and low budget. One awful suggestion was for a series of short meetings in Oxford where we’d sit in a circle (closely supervised of course) talking about how we feel.

I don’t know why we are always given such second rate treatment compared to those with primary breast cancer. BCC apparently begrudge spending money on us and even seem keen to thwart our efforts at self help.

When we ask awkward questions about what this Secondaries Taskforce actually does, we are told to email them. There is clearly some embarassment about how little it achieves and hence, no wish to reply on forum.

We were repeatedly told to be patient and await developments from the Secondaries Taskforce, but far too many of us have died since we first began asking for appropriate support services. Others, like me, are much frailer now and can’t guarantee to be well enough to attend something scheduled too far into the future.

Holey.

I’ve been on some of the Unhealthy Living Days Holeybones mentions and have really enjoyed meeting up with everyone. We also have smaller meets all over the UK…we have lost many friends now as we first started meeting in 2004 (I think) but we still meet when we can.
Belinda.

I too am one of the above group and have met both Holey and Belinda on various occasions. Our meetings have always been so positive, full of information, support, laughs, wine…

As a measure of just how important these chances to meet are, one lady, who used to contribute regularly and valuably to this forum, travelled up from south London (I forget where exactly) to Coventry last May to be part of one of these meetings. She was very poorly and most sadly, she died a week later. It was, I think, her last social outing but she was quite determined to be there.

As Belinda says, we have lost many more friends - most names were well known on this forum.

This is why I get so het up about the personal contact issue. It is so very important to us.

Jenny.

And I’m also in the group with Holey, Belinda & Jenny – when BCC weren’t able to provide an opportunity for those of us with mets to meet nationally, there were 45 of us posting to the Secondary BC forum who felt we’d benefit by linking up privately and meeting each other, so we did just that, and have continued to meet “virtually” and in person for three years. We’ve even had a mini-“Unhealthy Living Day” in Pennsylvania when one of the UK girls got together with one of the USA girls! This group has been my life-saver – my quality of life would have been very poor without their information, support, advice, get-togethers, laughter, tears, visits, food & drink.

Secondary BC is such an isolating experience: breast cancer nurses don’t know what to do with us once they’ve given us the diagnosis, our needs are vastly different to those with primary BC, we’re usually on constant treatment of some sort so there’s no “when treatment finishes”, we struggle with work and finances – we’ve said all this a million times before, to our oncologists, our Mac Nurses, our hospices, researchers and to BCC. It was heartening that BCC set up the Secondary Task Force, but it’s difficult to see much impact as yet. In fact, the disappearance of contact buttons and refusal to allow us to exchange e-mail addresses, the limit on numbers able to access Tuesday evening chat, and the proposed need to sign up in advance for that one hour a week has actually reduced our support, rather than improving it.

We’ve lost 25 of our lovely friends since we started our support group – I’d like to think we wouldn’t have to wait too much longer to have at least some form of contact reinstated on this site, to offer a wider range of support opportunities to all of us with secondary BC – so many of us would benefit from this type of “self-help group”.

Marilyn