Long distance best friend going for surgery

Long distance best friend going for surgery

Long distance best friend going for surgery My best friend of many years - who lives 150 miles away - is going into hospital on Friday for a mastectomy. I’m writing this note to ask for any advice on what I can say to and/or do for my friend both before and after the surgery. Of course I will be ringing her up to wish her well and send her all my love - but this just seems so little compared with what she is having to face.

I found out 3 weeks ago that she had been diagnosed with BC. Me and my husband went to visit her and her husband for the weekend. The guys went to a concert and we had a rare girl’s night out. We had a lovely time as we don’t often get the chance to go out now that we don’t live so close to each other. When we got back to their place later, her husband encouraged her to tell us the awful news. I don’t really remember all the details of what she said - apart from effect of the wine I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. I do remember weeping all over her - I’m sure that didn’t help the situation!

The rest of the weekend was really wierd. We couldn’t say much because she hadn’t yet broken the news to their 4 kids (aged 7 to 15). I spent most of it in a daze wishing/hoping it was all a bad dream. I cried all the way home - thankfully my husband was driving.

Since then I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate not being able to see her and not being there for her in her hour of need. Thankfully she does have a good support network close by with family and friends. I try and keep in touch on the phone but I’m so scared of saying the wrong thing. I try to just let her tell me what she wants to tell me rather than ask her direct questions about what’s going on but I get the feeling she just wants to get off the phone.

As I said she does have a good support network and I know she doesn’t physically need anything from me. But I would appreciate some advice on what she needs to hear from me right now or if there’s anything I can do from a distance that will help. Thanks for reading this far.

reply Hello Tazangel

So sorry to hear about your friend. It is difficult when someone lives a distance away and you cannot visit.

Probably the best thing you can do is to let your friend know that you are there for her any time she does want to talk. At the beginning she will get lots of cards etc. wishing her well. Some of my friends and work colleagues sent surprise cards during my treatments and I really appreciated these and they gave me a lift.

Just let your friend know that you are there for her. Her emotions will be all over the place just now, once she has had her operation you may be able to put some questions to her then and she may feel more able to answer them.

Hope this helps a bit.
Love
Thistle

Hiya!

When I was in hospital, I was inundated with flowers (I had a private room) - too many really, although I was extremely touched. Got lots of cards which I kept up in my house for about 6 weeks as they meant so much and gave me a real boost when I was feeling lonely.

What would have been nice is flowers or cards after everything had calmed down. People think ‘She’s recovered from the op now, let’s get back to the way things were.’ Not that simple really. I have a friend I haven’t seen in years who sends me thoughtful little gifts like a tiny pot of jam, some pot pourri, a handmade card, pretty notepaper, etc. It’s the sentiment that means so much and it’s lovely to get something other than bills through the post!!

I got really tired of telling people how I felt and talking about cancer was not something I really wanted to do much after a while. It’s nice to just talk about normal things. I craved normality!!

Having cancer sorts out the fair-weather friends from those who really care. I sure your friend is very grateful for your support.

Sorry - that was rather a long ramble!

love,
Jacki xx

Distant friends Hi Tazangel,
Jacki is right on the ball - we long for normality when going through a breast cancer diagnosis - the endless 11 months of surgeries, chemo and radiotherapy. I live some 600 miles from my elder sister (only close relative) and some 300 miles from my oldest and closest friends in the Midlands, besides 4 good friends in the USA. All were very concerned and caring, and sent hand made cards, flowers, and quite surprisingly, crystals - perhaps that is why I am still here 4 yrs later! My incoming e-mail box was full each day with kind, uplifting thoughts and poems and some jokes. All helped me to be strong and get on with the treatment. We are not lepers with a contagious disease, just people with a life threatening illness, who so appreciate true friendship and caring.

However, what I craved, being housebound for a lot of the time with Crohn’s, was just a peak into their ordinary lives - what their kids were up to, where had they been recently, holiday plans etc. I did not want to talk at length about my illness since it was depressing. A good friend where I have lived for the past 11 yrs in Cornwall, always included my husband and I in her lunch and dinner parties, although knowing I could just push the food around the plate. That was so important for my husband, as we are retired and don’t get out much as he is disabled.

My sister was brilliant - sending me some funny DVD’s, like My Big Fat Greek Wedding, East is East etc. that made me laugh/cry and forget my immediate troubles. Other friends sent body lotion, good perfume, got me subscriptions to magazines, and local neighbours made home made soups and candies for us. It doesn’t matter what the gift is, it is the fact that my friends/neighbours were thinking about my husband and I, and went into thoughtful action.

The fact you have found this site and posted your concerns and request for advice makes me feel you are a genuine, true friend and I feel instinctively that you will be there for her in her hour of need. I too have found out who my real friends are, and some of them most unexpected. The sad fact of life is that some people cannot confront a serious illness but it does not mean we have to surround ourselves with negativity. We need people to be buoyant, and not depress us even further than we already are.

I do hope your friend’s prognosis is good and that she continues in good health.

Take care,
Liz.

Hi tazangel

As someone who has felt let down by her supposed ‘best friend’ can I just say how lucky your friend is to have you?

Don’t ever worry about saying the wrong thing. We don’t care about stuff like that. She will know you care by your actions and the tone of your voice

And please don’t worry that you cannot be with her physically. I live in Glasgow and one of the people who has been there for me most is a friend who lives in London.

From the day I was diagnosed 10 months ago she has been there in spirit; sending me encouraging little text messages before each chemo appointment, posting me some cooling body lotion for radiotherapy, sending me amusing emails to cheer me up. I have seen her in person only twice since my diagnosis but that doesn’t matter because I know she is always thinking of me. Feeling emotionally abandoned is what makes us feel alone during this process.

I agree with what the previous posters say about keeping the support up once the initial shock of diagnosis dies down. During treatment most of us appear very strong because we go into fight mode. It is common to have a huge slump once treatment is over and that’s when we really need our friends. Unfortunately that’s when most people have got a little bored with it all and tend to back off.

Lola x

Diversions and distractions are essential as time goes on. I completly agree with all that has beee previously said and would also suggest silly little things in the post as time goes by.

Keep in regular touch but keep the phone calls shortish, chemo is very very tiring.

Good luck to you both.

Irene

Don’t be scared - be yourself Dear Tazangel

My best friend lives locally and is awaiting chemo now after lumpectomy, then mastectomy and lymph nodes removing. She is having CT and MRI scans next week and I am going with her for the results of those prior to chemo starting week after. She is now 2 months down the line and my initial reaction was similar to yours and you can read my stuff posted then if you search I think. Really similar to yours ie not wanting to say the wrong thing etc…Whilst I am local I am not entirely available to her as I am a single parent…but I am there as I always have been - contact her more frequently though and see her as usual once a week if not more. For other friends that are far away though it is hard I know - especially for one who lost her sister to cancer just 2 years ago… I suggested and my friend took up the idea that her key contacts (she knows who they are!) all had each other’s phone numbers and that way whoever is there for each stage of treatment and outcome etc can let others know. That way you end up supporting each other too - sharing your fears/concerns with them rather than your friend herself. Having said that she and I have cried twice since she found out and it was good to share that actually. I was sad imagining we might not be the two old ladies on holiday we always planned to be…she cried too but said in a way it was easier for her as she was living with it daily now and for me my life went on as normal and then every now and then I had to face the fact that she has cancer. Personally I am dreading going with her for the scan results…as it is in 3 lymph nodes so may well have spread…and that will be the hardest news to take of all. But she wants me with her - so I will be strong. Independently I am finding it really hard but have a counsellor who keeps me going. It’s a blinder when you are only in your mid forties…

Do talk about normal stuff with her too though - she’ll be sick of talking about it non stop too after a bit - but let her guide the conversations. Maybe start writing to her…then she can write back and that will help maybe - it’s good to get stuff out and on to paper or email.

She is still the same person and your history together will always be there - that’s what made you friends and distance need be no barrier to your friendship continuing and supporting her. It may help you too to talk to other friends about how you feel about it etc too.
Keep me posted - not come across another ‘friend’ so far! Happy to chat/be mutual support on-line for you too.

Lonestar
x