Looking Back

Public Archive
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Looking Back…

How did I get through all that crap?

Where is SHE now?
Who was I then?

The choices we made remembering them…

I think back to those dark times
Wondering how I got through it
“Don’t know how you did what you did”
It’s a case of having to isn’t it?

There’s an inner strength lurking there, you don’t know you’ve got it
You’re in that dark hole having an outer body experience
Is this really happening to ME?
Perhaps I will wake up soon, and find it’s a dream!

The choices you had…
Were they choices at all?

I lost a year

Who is SHE staring back at me?
Not the person I knew before
Will SHE come back or has SHE gone?
Who decides that?

"Can you live with it wondering if it’s still there?
Is it?
“How do you feel?”
Well, I don’t know is this real?

Can any one help?

We could talk…

“Do you remember how you felt before?”
One day I was fine, the next wham…
“How do you cope with that?”
I don’t know!

“How do you feel?”
the biggest Fear, is it real?,
it’s surreal.

Does a day go by when you don’t think about it?"

What if?..

“Let’s have facts, believe, do not catastrophise, do not agonise”

But what if…
How do you know?
You don’t so…

Ok so who’s here now?
ME or SHE? Is she me?
I don’t know?

I don’t want to cry anymore…
I don’t want to think am I cured
I want to know…
“But you don’t do you?, and you can’t”

I can talk now…
Re-live the fear, anxieties, pain, anger, (oh yes there’s lots of that), dread, distress, disbelief, horror, thinking about what they did to ME, how I reacted and felt SHOCK,
“think it’s post traumatic, didn’t cope well with DX”
Well I was on a roller coaster, I wanted it to stop but it wouldn’t
It took me to places I didn’t want to go

“Can you let it go?”
I’m not sure should I?

Is that why I’M here and not HER? Where is SHE?

“Are you coming to terms with it?”
Is that possible? Do I have to? Should I?

Do you know what it feels like?
Do you want to?
Shall I try to tell you?..

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Love it !

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I would really like to talk to you- thank you for expressing everything I think. Thank you.

Janeyb

4

that is excellent…well done for puting all those thoughts and feelings into words.

5

The words are so true

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Good god you must have been reading my mind!!! Just sitting down with a glass of wine after waiting a week for MRI results just checking that aches / lumps etc are ok, a year following treatment. I actually think that this year is mentally harder than going
through chemo - at least I was in the “security” zone then.

Well done and heres to the future

Live life to the full

Mx

7

so hearfelt and true,e very word, thank you x

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Thanks Ladies

Glad it’s helped some of you

Sarah X

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thank you thank you thank you!! I read this with goose bumps and tears.It says it all!

I hope you are well Jennie xx

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I also read this with goosebumps! So true, still asking all these questions.
x

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Hello chuck

Good one! Exactly to the point, as usual. It’s not just the questions, it’s like a whole re-invention of identity. For me, the fear will never go away now.

Take care

Love, Louise x

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Hi there
I want to say thanks for putting into words exactly what I have been feeling. You should get that published -I am sure lots of women feel just what you have written about.
God bless you. I hope all is well with you.
CC

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That just says it all …thnx Maz xx

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Thanks Jennie,Annie, Louise, Cate, Maz for your comments.

Yes I am well Jennie, thanks just returned from my caravan in Wales so had a good rest for 2 weeks.

I’m not sure about getting it published Cate, any ideas? Perhaps we should try and put together a book to help people at different stages and all proceeds go to a cancer charity? There’s two so far with Picking Me Up. I also wrote about my experiences of chemo but haven’t put that on here yet, might test the waters with that one too.

I’m just glad my thoughts help people its a therapy writing them and for you to read them.

You know me Louise always to the point! and yes Fear it’s always there I heard some very sad news last week about someone I know, hope she’s well and coping.

Sarah X

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Lovely words thank you. I feel more tired and more worn now than I did a year ago. Chemo gave you a target to achieve - a quarter way through, half way and so on. Then it is over and no one actually says how long you will feel tired for and at that time you do not want to know. You survived chemo and it is over - it is all that matters. A year down the line, emotions all over the place, pains and doubts everywhere. Support is needed now more than ever so thank you for the words. How about a Year down the Line support group!

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That sounds a good idea, I have noticed one or two threads creeping up about anniversaries, emotions and anxiety, and how to cope post treatment so lets start one, it was your idea Penn, I’ll certainly join you.
Sarah x

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Hi Sarah,
Thanks for that it is so how I have been feeling. I was diagnosed in July 07, following 4 EC and 4 taxotere, 3 ops and then rads, I sort of started to feel like me in Feb 09, but its really a new me, but where is the old one, what have I missed while I was away, Beautiful poem, Def good idea to think about publishing some if you have more.
Have you written more on here if so where are they, in what section?
Thanks
Dawn x

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Great poem. Gets to the really big themes - what lives, what dies, what is lost and gained? I know I’m the same person but I am also someone quite different. Living through something so traumatic and so utterly unexpected…how could life ever be the same, but it is. Really, you’ve expressed it all beautifully. Thanks Sarah.

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Great poem Sarah, describes how I feel exactly. Was diagnosed June 07, chemo, op rads ended Februay 08 but now feel this bit is harder! Where is the old me? Still in there but sometimes hard to spot.

Thanks for this, let us know if you have any more poems, you have a talent.

Cecelia. x

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Really impressed by your poem. I belong a local BC Support Group( mostly older women but not exclusively) so I shall write it out to read to the others at the next meeting.
Thanks for doing it - I think you’ve articulated what so many of us feel- whatever our age.