- Hello everyone, for quite some time now have found reading posts very encouraging but ’ new deep inside I wanted to post / rant myself! Our journeys are unique in every way as are our coping mechanisms.At 58 I am still open to suggestions but think my life skills to date seem underestimated by my 20year old. I accept I have no idea the effect my situation has had in her other than to say she is changed person who I am struggling to engage with. We have been fortunate to receive support at our local ontology unit but despite this I feel so emotionally wrecked by the changes in odour relationship. She feels the need to push me to the limits when we meet up yet denies this and has no understanding of how fragile I feel and as a result we end up with a dreadful atmosphere between us. This is a very basic outline but I would be happy to share more details and receive any advice and guidance from any of you out there. Thank you in anticipation. Hoping those who feel weak can hang on in there .
Hi NB,
Glad you felt you could come & rant here, it’s what the forum is for!
Sorry to hear how your daughter has reacted, sometimes others - including family, can react in unexpected ways, you’re not alone with this.
It seems she is in a sort of denial & is feeling angry about it, so takes it out on you. As ever, with close family, difficult emotions can get dumped on those who they feel closest to - usually mum!
It’s good you’re getting support with this, in time she should come through it but meanwhile, keeping firm boundaries with her & putting yourself first may help you both to move forward on this.
You’re not weak at all, probably just tired of it all, when you’re going through bc as well & as we all know, it can be emotionally tough anyway, without dealing with this on top.
Sending hugs
ann x
Hi NB.
Sorry to hear you and your daughter are struggling just when you need each other. From what you say I gather she no longer lives at home with you?
My 25 year old son has taken my diagnosis quite badly but in a different way. Although they are adults they don’t have the experience to deal with how they feel by themselves. Is there somebody else a little distant who she could talk to openly about how she feels - even if that’s to say how much she hates you/the cancer/ the fact it’s changing her future/ your future/ her expectations of you as strong/reliable - who knows what?? An aunt or cousin or old friend of yours perhaps?
I made my son say out loud “my Mum has breast cancer” and told him to tell everybody he spoke too to see what they said back. He got lots of conversations and positive feedback from his friends. At least he can talk to me without crying now. Your daughter sounds as if she’s gone the other way towards anger.
Telephone conversations provide opportunity for dialogue from a safe distance and could provide contact without lengthy interaction?
I wish you all the best and hope you find an easier relationship soon.
DawnT.
Hi NB I can totally relate to how you are feeling I have something similar but from my mother. I was totally floored by her reaction to my news and she was the reason for my many meltdowns in the early days. All I can say is that at the moment you are the most important person in this situation. You have to care for and protect yourself. Things will get better but it will take time so deep breathing and concentrate on you first. She will turn a corner it just might not be for sometime. Xx
Hi notbrave
I’m sorry my response is late to your situation. Yes, I agree you do need to concentrate on your own recovery. But, I also think your recovery would be helped by your daughter being educated to give a better understanding of what you’re personally going through with BC, and how she can support you. She’ll probably be feeling anger and shock (at the possibilty of losing her Mum), and inadequate as to how she can help and support you. In which case, it’s all about where for her to turn to get that education and support and encouraging her to do so. So anywhere and sites for family/carers of BC or other cancers. I’ve just reread your original post and noted “support at our Oncology unit”. There’s the “Supporting someone with Breast Cancer” area on this Forum, where she could hopefully engage with other daughters/sons experiences, plus information leaflets for “Supporters” from BCC. Perhaps MacMillan too.
The fact that you say she’s not phoning as often to me suggests she doesn’t know how to cope with it, or is she having other struggles of her own and is finding your BC an extra added difficulty/stress to balance? Are you putting on a “brave face” to her, or have you let her know your struggles and difficulties? I don’t know whether you and she “normally” have a good open communicative relationship or not, prior to BC? But you’re definitely not openly communicating at the mo’ are you. I don’t know how well or unwell you currently are, but I would try and gently pin her down, perhaps with the suggestion of a meal out or in together treat, but making it clear you need, want or wish to talk, so she has prior warning and you can both prepare yourselves beforehand.
I may be talking out of my backside in this, but am just telling as I see, hear, read.
Hope you get somewhere with it
Much love and hope you’re recovering well
Delly xxxx
Hi Nb
You are perfectly entitled to feel ‘needy’ in view of what you’re going through at the mo, so pls don’t feel any guilt on this, you are entitled to your feelings.
As you say, maybe it’s just hanging in there for the mo & let time sort this out, there are only so many fronts to battle when going through treatment & you need to prioritise yourself.
Do take care & at least I hope it helps to get it written down.
ann x
Thanks Nb. I’m 2 years down the road now & completely fine x
Can someone tell me how to change my username in here please.
Thank you in anticipation.
Hi Chick 1,
Thank you…change of Mindset all Dow to fantastic on going support of this forum.
Hope life is manageable for you.
? xx
Very good advice there. I am waiting to start radiotherapy the week after next but already feel that I have changed since diagnosed. I have started to say no on so many fronts and am putting me first. It really is quite liberating
Hello I Can Do This,
Like the new name - very fitting. How are things going for you treatment wise? How are things with your daughter? Hope you have managed to resolve some issues at least. Best Wishes, X
Corr “I can do this” - Loving your new name. Fandabidozeeee.
As I mentioned before, it might be an idea to also order any of the booklets addressed to “Carers of” to actually give to your daughter, and hope they may gently hit home?!
Good luck with it, me dear. Am keen to hear of yourself and future daughter results. I’m so sorry your having such a tough time with your chemo. But good to hear you kicked a*** with your psychologist. Sounds a great idea for her to also see your daughter, if she agrees to.
Keep looking after yourself.
Loadsa love to you and everyone on here
Doolally xxxxxx
I can do this. You are doing brilliantly keep up the fight l know its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel but you will get there. Sending hugs and best wishes. Chris xx
You can & are doing this & good to hear about the psychologist’s support. Your recovery & wellbeing comes first & family can catch up later.
ann x
Blimey I can do this - That all sounds horrendous and I’m sooo sorry to hear and read. You poor darlin’. Hope that’s the end of any complictions for you, and you’re now onwards and upwards. Such a shame on your implant removal too, but hope maybe it can be replaced with another again, once everything’s settled. Or another alternative can be proferred. Any chance you could get away for a well earned relaxing break, once things have settled again. Preferably with some good jolly company.
I quite understand why you’ve held off posting, but I’m glad you have now. Thanks for the update. Take good care.
Lots of love and a huge hug
Delly xxxxxx