I’m currently half way through 30 doses of radiotherapy for a recurrence. I’ve stopped taking Tamoxifen as it would appear that it is not working and I’m having monthly zoladex injections (I’ve had two so far). I’m expecting to start taking letrozole in the next week, when I see my oncologist on Monday.
I’ve had an liver ultrasound and a chest x-ray, which appear to be clear, but I have a suspicious hot-spot on one of my ribs, which, again, I will be discussing with my oncologist next week.
So far, since being diagnosed again (about 3 years ago), I think I have been managing really well: following WLE surgery in August (I had a mastectomy and an immediate reconstruction initially), when I took a day off afterwards, I have continued to work full-time. The last couple of days, though, I have found myself alternating between being incredibly tearful on the one hand and exceptionally angry on the other - and I’m struggling to know how to manage my moods, which until just recently has been mostly indifferent (the anti depressants helping as they do).
I’m in two minds about taking 2-3 weeks off while I finish radiotherapy because - I am obviously on a knife’s edge - but I am also very conscious about work, and do not want to give the impression that I am incapable - I am also feeling slightly guilty at the prospect of taking some sick leave, because two colleagues in the department are supporting family and close friends through pancreatic and liver cancer and lung cancer respectively and, rightly or wrongly, I suspect that they may not recognise the seriousness of BC. That may just say something about me but it does add to my reluctance to take sick leave.
I’m sure I’ve not got to any point at all in this post - may be I just need to write - but if anyone has any advice on how they manage their moods, or anything else from what I have said, it would be very welcome.
Be gentle with yourself. If you feel a break is what you want, ask to speak to an oncologist and put your feelings to them. It may be it is not possible but you will at least feel better for having asked the question.
Or ask to speak to your BCN or someone at Breast cancer care or Macmillans. Some hospitals have a macmillans where you can speak to someone.
You won’t know what is possible until you ask. I haven’t had any reoccurances (yet, I say with everything crossed) so I can only guess how you feel. But talking to someone who can give you your options is the best way forward.
I chose to keep working as much as possible, but I did find at the end of my 15 sessions of radiotherapy I was very emotional with wide mood swings. Lots of extra sleep helped. I’ve hear others say that it made them emotional. I think maybe partly because it drains your stamina.
Letrozole has not been too bad at all for me. Felt a bit nauseous to begin with and had hot flushes, but that’s faded away with time, and so far no other nasty SEs turned up.
I had 25 sessions and I agree with it being an emotional time. In my case I had built up a really good rapport with the team who were treating me every day and I felt as if I was losing friends when treatment finished.
Araminta’s sent you hugs - if you need extra, have some from me too!!
Oh love, you’re having treatment for bc - it’s not any less a cancer than any other. We’re all individuals, so please don’t compare yourself with anyone else. You’re feeling like you’re on a knife’s edge; that’s just not the same as being incapable at work.
If you think the time off work will do you good, then I’d say Go For It - you’re what’s important, and you’ll be much more refreshed when you return to work, than you would have been if you struggled on and became really exhausted or stressed.
Sometimes we feel really guilty about giving time to ourselves, and just need caring people to reassure us that it’s ok to do so. Dont put yourself under pressure or push yourself to go into work if you dont feel up to it - take those 3 weeks off if so, and have some important “me” time!
Oh you poor, poor thing. Yes you have coped brilliantly with things but it all has a cost and your body is crying out for some rest. Please try not to worry about what others will think. Your own health (physical and emotional) is much more important.
I think you do need to take a bit of time for yourself. I understand the weepiness. I finished RADS two days ago and over the last week that’s been my prime thing. Also, not good at making conversation etc with people, not quite firing on all cylinders and I have had the luxury of time off during RADS!
I hope you do get some time for yourself. You blooming deserve it!
Hi Naz
Bless you hon… you must talk to the BC nurses and explain how you feel I did as I felt pretty much the same as you tho I hav,nt had my feet taken out from under me with a re-occurance xxx
They will put things into perspective which is an ability we seem to loose in the mix of things… You do need time out I still believe its the treatment that really messes your head/emotions up, I spoke to a phsycologist at the Oncology centre and he said R/theraoy is like having 35,000 chest xrays in the space of 25 days as was in my case and i,m sure in most cases… and yes we are all different and each BC diagnosis is unique to the person unfortunate enough to have it… be kind to yourself Naz, C is C no matter where it is and if your emotions are bouncing off the walls then thats how you feel… end of… Any comments that may come should be treated with the contempt they desereve you have to look after No1
I,m also on Letrozole with no ill effects apart from hot flushes and a bit of weight gain so hopefully you will be ok.
My love to you with a massive hug and so sorry you found yourself on here… Be kind to yourself sweetheart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxhugxxxxxxxxxxxxx Doz
Hi Naz
I like the saying I saw recently, and even if you’re not at the point of being depressed maybe it still applies to you:
Depression is not a sign of weakness, its a sign of being strong too long.
I go along thinking ‘coping, coping, coping, oh sxxt, not coping well at all’. Everyone at work thinks I’m doing ‘fabulously’ but here I am at lunchtime lurking around BCC forums.
As others say, be kind to yourself, really kind. I took the whole 4 weeks of rad treatment off, felt a bit guilty as I really had very little reaction and could have been at work, but it was a bit of a gift to myself.
I’m not in the same situation as you but have a great big hug from me, BC has turned my life upside down and I think that we deserve all the support we can get.
Thank you all so very much for your assurances! And for your hugs!
You are all so right, cancer is cancer - I really shouldn’t be comparing myself with others, and just need to put myself first.
I have an appointment with Occupational Health next week (I should know more by then what the suspicious spot is on my rib or, at least, what further tests/scans may be suggested) but I have made up my mind that I need this time off to collect my thoughts, and to prioritise a few things. So, when I meet occupational health I am going to tell them this - I am sure that OH will support me in this decision.
Right now I’m just pleased to be almost halfway through RT!
Much love, Naz
P.S. I’ve read that quote about depression myself - it is so very true.
I 2 think u shd take some time 4 yrself. You deserve it. I had 18 rads, including 5 boosters, worked through a month then I just didnt have the strength 2work full tome 4last bit. Doc signed me off for 3weeks. Look after yourself, I also think this time of year makes u feel tired &low anyway.
Alis
Xxx
Hi Naz
O/H WILL support you all the way with your decision thats what they are there for if you choose to have some time out they WILL support you keep us informed hon xxxx ((HUGS)) Doz
Thanks, Doz, that’s just what I need to hear. Once again I am in tears at the frustration of not knowing what to do, having only decided earlier on that I was going to take time off. I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty all the time. I felt exactly the same while I was going thru chemo, when I took time off work.
Why is it that we need to be more strong than we usually are at the very same time that we feel so low?!
Hi Naz
Its testing times hon and the fear and reality of C certainly tests your will be it strong or not it does get the better of you at times xxx
Dont feel guilty we all go through that scenario but the most important thing is you being true and kind to yourself and getting some normalicy back and if it means taking time off, then do it with an easy mind!!
O/H will definately support you they want you back to work when your feeling up to it sweetheart so take some time for yourself you deserve it we are only human and sometimes we have to allow time for our bodies to heal (never mind the mind… thats another story)
You take good care of yourself… you is very important in the greater scheme of things xxxxxxxxxxxxxxhugsxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Doz
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxhugsxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Doz