Hi everyone. What I’m going to say really follows on from reading the thread about the article that was in the Guardian on sex while having chemo, and the various comments it has provoked. Well, I’m going to say something that I know will be really controversial, but I’m interested to see what others think (not usually this up front - but things change!). My husband is absolutely wonderful, we have been married twenty years, he has been totally supportive and loving. He is being my rock through this whole breast cancer thing. At the moment he is working full time and doing everything at home, the cooking, shopping, the lot. He loves me and makes me feel loved, even when my chemo/surgery altered body gives me a hard time in the mirror. There is really only one thing that he wants/needs from me, and that is, occasionally, that we still make love. My libido has definitely taken a dive, hopefully it will come back. If I actively said, no, I would rather not, then he would understand fully. But sometimes we make love, even though I think it’s the last thing in the world I want to do - and with tenderness and time it works out, and afterwards, I’m glad we have. Very glad. I don’t think this is wrong. What do you think?
Hi Sarah
I completely agree with everything you have said. My hubby has never,since my diagnosis (or any time before for that matter) put any pressure on me with regard to love making - and he fully understands that 99% of the time it is the last thing I want to do. However, I have to say that there are times that it is me that initiaties it - my libido has taken a dive yes, but it does occasionally reappear - and yes we do make love, and as you say - it works out. Other times when I know hubby feels the same, but I maybe don’t feel quite as ‘up to it’, we have just cuddled etc and found tat it happened quite naturally, no pressure - maybe no fireworks and big bands playing either lol - but again, it works - and can actually be quite uplifting.
It’s a bit like all the other crap we have to go through and ut u with - we’re all different and what works for one won’t necessarily work for others - but to be honest I can’t imagine being celibate till the end of my treatment in 2009!!
Would also have to say that I read the Guardian thing - and was totally offended by her crass and very simplistic overview of the situation.
Margaret x
Hi Sarah
Your hubby sounds just like mine, and I do not think it is wrong for men to want make love with the woman he loves, after all that is what it is making love and not having sex for the sake of it. We have always had a very enjoyable sex life. Just like other areas of my life I do not want this breast cancer get in the way of living and being happy. Like you I have on occasions made love even though I dont really want to however I am happy after and enjoy the hugs afterwards. I love my husband with all my heart and believe marriage is a partnership that means both giving and taking why should breast cancer change that?
Good luck Sarah
Love Linda
XXXXXXXXX
Hi girls, agree with everything that has been said. We got back to lovemaking very quickly after my surgery. I just wanted to make sure that my OH was not put off by my altered bodyshape after my mastectomy. It was absolutely fine and was very uplifting for me, a reassurance that things had not changed between us. During chemo I did not feel much like it, but as you have said, we did make love and its great just to have the closeness and love and feeling wanted. I have problems with dryness now, but found Sylk a brilliant lubricant. I am very glad we did not let that side of things slip, this whole CA business can take over your whole life. And I am also very lucky that my OH is so understanding and supportive, which is obviously important.
Hi all, the one aspect of my life I have truly missed throughout all this is being able to make love with my husband. This has only happened 3 times since November 2006. We have been together 24 years, married 22 next month and I am really missing the intimacy to the point I feel like a dried up old stick at the age of 46. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever and it has been playing on me for a while. Unfortunately the chemo has made me post menopausal, I have not had a period since the first cycle which was also Nov 2006. I sometimes feel we are heading down the route of being “just good friends”, but my wonderful OH likes to think it will return when my body is ready. Not holding my breath as I finished chemo last June.
I saw one of my oncs a fortnight ago and he has suggested he refers me to a colleague of his who specialises in sexual problems in post menopausal women. As well as the physical side he feels there may also be a psychological element going on. I would be willing to see anyone who can help me with this as I am finding it a very sad aspect of this disease.
I am really pleased for all of you that have loving supportive partners, wonderful.
Hi Cherub
thanks for what you wrote i could have written it myself.
Let us know if you go and see anyone.
When i was just filling in the BCC questionaire i said one of the things i would like is a unit at my hospital to talk through ‘life issues’ them being weight appearance diet emotions energy and sex to name a few.
After treatment we are suddenly expected to be just how we were before but it just doesnt happen well not for me anyway.
I know my sex drive was quite high before DX, but it very much went with my menstural cycle, those mid ovulating surges (oh to have one of them)
Hubby suggested counselling last night but i have just finished 12 sessions with the BC psychologist and couldn’t at this time face more exhausting counselling.
Good thread this.
Rx
Hello ,
i am relieved to read your message cherub as i am feeling very similar. I am 46 and have a lovely husband who is very patient but I am really unhappy about my appearance as I have had a mastectomy and do not feel in the least bit attractive. I do not like my husband to see me naked. I do miss sex but can’t get over my feelings of looking like a freak! He assures me it is fine but I am worried about the changes bought on by chemo. I finished my chemo April 2007. Haven’t made love properly since my diagnosis oct 2006. I am hoping things will improve once I can build up my self confidence and self esteem.
caro xxx
Hi girls, its nice to know i’m not alone in this. Sex drive is non existant at the moment as has been since dx. I too, feel like i’m looking at a bald headed 1/2 man 1/2 woman alien in the mirror & despite all the reassurance from OH that what I look like on the outside doesn’t matter & i’m still the same person that he loves, i cannot bring myself to make love. If anybody has any bright ideas i’d like to hear them. As much as I want to be sympathetic to his needs i’m really struggling here.
Hi all
I have been following this thread and feel that the publication by Breast Cancer Care called ‘Sexuality, intimacy and breast cancer’ may be of interest to some of you as it does contain some helpful advice on this issue. You can access this via the following link:
breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/Breast Cancer Care_sexuality_0.pdf
Best wishes
Lucy
Hi Debbi
This is the thread I was talking about, hope it helps.
Karen
XXX