Marriage and Tamoxifen

[Spuddly]

Hello,

I’m new to this site and had seen similar posts that were older but figured I’d post a similar new post to see what pops up and hopefully help someone.

My wife and I have been together for 17 years married 14.  She/we have had a really rough past five years.  We lost her mom unexpectedly, which drove my wife into a deep depression.  Shortly after she found out she had breast cancer, and we spent the last four years going through the process.  She endured 22 surgeries for a single mastectomy and reconstruction.  When we think we are on the home stretch she had to have both ovaries removed.  And had been on Tamoxifen for years already.

Life has been unbelievably rough for us, three steps forward two back.  Tamoxifen really makes life difficult for us both.  It’s truly a miracle we are together still, the medication makes her even crazier and unpredictable then she was before.  Ha.

Im no gem, I’m a vet with two combat tours. I’ve learned the hard way on how to manage stress, mental issues, depression, anxiety…

Life has been rough!  Tamoxifen serves a great purpose but what it does to the person taking it is maddening.  And having to live with, work with, take care of is double so.

All that said, it’s not her fault.  And I have to remind myself of it multiple times a day.  She chooses not to help with things, or pickup something, or clean…  instead she’ll go sit somewhere by her self.  I’m like hello, we are adults with a kid, pets, a home, jobs.  Like hello please help me!!  But it’s not her fault.  And it’s sooooooooo hard to be there for her.  But if someone who knows her better than anyone, and has spent the last 17 years with her can’t find a way to help her, who will?  She’s already dealing with something out of her control, I just try to be her rock. 

It’s not always easy, it’s not always fun, and there’s a lot of other things I could turn to.  But to me this is what love and marriage truly is.  If the situation was reversed I’d hope she would fill the role I have been. And deal with my shitty attitude, depression, and craziness. 

To every human dealing with a significant other on this medication, you are not alone.  There’s an army of people fighting to make life as good as can be for our loved ones as they recover and have to unfairly endure this.

Love to all!

[Tili]

Good morning Spuddly,

I feel you’re in a very sad and heartbreaking situation here, your wife has been through so much I can’t believe 22 rounds of surgery so so much to go through and plus Tamoxifen may not helping her mentally. I feel your dear wife needs professional help as soon as possible please contact your breast cancer  or oncologist team at the hospital your wife is under hopefully they will be able to point you in the right direction failing this call the Breast Cancer team on this site who are very caring and understanding.

 I can see you are trying to help as much as possible but this is a tough situation I do hope you get some answers very soon.

Wishing you and your wife health and happiness going forward please let us know how you get on

hugs Tili

[I_dont_believe_it]

What an extremely heartfelt post. I have not posted on here for the last five years. I was on Tamoxifen for those five years after my diagnosis and surgery. I too went through huge emotional turmoil and it was my husbands constant love and support that got me through it.
We too have gone through some awful times out with MY cancer. Lost both of my son in laws parents to it in one year and my beautiful nephew age 39 to consequences of Covid when he could not get a Gp appointment. Your wife sounds as though she is suffering as we all do with an enormous depression and disbelief that she had this as well as the family heartaches and other health issues. I am sure there must be support for her if this is the case, even just coming on here for a good rant and cry. I am positive she appreciates every little thing you have done and still do for her but she just cannot ‘see it’ as she is blinkered with sadness. 

As she is so sad. I know all the world uncertainty over the last few years will have has added to her anxiety. 
Probably the  last thing she wants but there could be a support group nearby where she could take things out on rather than your home and marriage suffering from it. The Tamoxifen works in mysterious ways with many different ladies but it is prescribed for a good reason as you know.
Only my personal thought but it’s easy to blame the medication but that hides what the issue actually is. Both of you need cuddles from each other. Don’t give up. Don’t let the cancer that’s now gone win. 
I let him read your post so my husband sends you his ‘Big Boy Pants’ . He says your wife is still there she just needs found again and you need to get some normality back to your life.

It takes a lot and will be appreciated by many men and women that you have been able to start this thread. It’s good to see a partners feelings.
I hope it all works out for the family. 

.

[Seagulls]

That sounds very difficult for you. I admire your commitment. It sounds awful to have 22 surgeries, how does that happen? I am allergic to almost everything done in surgery and that’s because I had two surgeries in 2003 and two in 2023, but 22? Do you live in the US? You say you were a vet and over here that means you work with animals, I think that would mean you were in the US army…

Seagulls. Born in the Channel Isles so I feel I am stateless