This is my first post, I was diagnosed with grade 2 lobular cancer 3 weeks ago and will be having a mastectomy of my left breast on Friday. Friends/family who know keep saying I am so strong and doing so well. But I’m not feeling very strong at all really, mostly I feel like crying and running away! I do like to run and went on the treadmill earlier this eve to try lift my mood but I still keep having dark thoughts about the operation, what I will look like afterwards and worrying in case they find more in the lymph nodes I have 3 children and I’m also sad as I have to say goodbye to my eldest tomoro so he can stay with friends and go to school for the rest of the week while we shield. Thanks for reading xxx
Hi Run4fun, it’s a big thing to go through and everyone feels that you are brave but we have no choice. It’s what we have to do. We never asked to be this brave so don’t feel bad about crying. I cried for 2 weeks before and 2 years after my mastectomy. I’d go into work and hold myself together and then burst into tears as soon as I left the building. The healing takes time physically and mentally but it gets easier. I had a delayed reconstruction which made a huge difference. If you need to talk to someone call the Breast Cancer Now number at the top of this page. Everyone here is very understanding. Sending hugs. Xxx
Run4fun, this message come with love and a big hug for Friday. When I had my op I couldn’t walk up the stairs to the department as my legs went to jelly, however you will be ok as soon as it’s all over. GOOD LUCK brave lady. Keep us posted.
love Tili x
Run4fun - a big welcome to this lovely forum and a big hug from me too. I can really understand your wish to just run away - I did in fact try to run out of the room when I arrived to start chemo, but the lovely nurse who was with me persuaded me to come back, telling me I owed it to myself to throw everything at it. Unfortunately we can’t outrun this diagnosis, it comes with us as we run.
It’s very normal to feel as you do, anyone reading your post will totally understand. The best advice I received was to take one day at a time, or even one hour at a time when things were tough. And also to chat on here - you never need to explain yourself as everyone just gets it.
Our friends and family don’t really know what to say for the best, but they mean well when they tell us how strong and brave we are - but Shi makes a good point that we don’t have any option. One of my favourite Winnie the Pooh quotes says “Remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you feel and smarter than you think”. I’m sending you strength as you go forward with treatment. If you have any questions ask away, and please continue to chat if it helps.
Evie xx
Hi Run4fun
Sounds like you need a big virtual hug. This is a scary time. It’s not just the diagnosis, it’s not just the surgery; there’s the shock, the fear of the implications of the diagnosis, all the what ifs…I imagine we have all felt emotional wrecks several times. But it is a simple fact - you are now committed to getting rid of breast cancer and ensuring it doesn’t rear its ugly head again. If you can, accept it and go with the flow. Don’t try to pack your head with facts and figures and stuff you don’t need. Focus on the practicalities and, most of all, do everything you can to work on your emotional wellbeing. Crying is a very healthy response. I got panic attacks. Everyone involved in my hospital care was fantastic at minimising every chance of anything like panic occurring and, with that confidence in the team, I got through it. We all do.
Make sure you’ve plenty of loose, comfy, front-opening tops (I nicked a couple of my husband’s shirts) and front-buttoning pjs. Ask before the op if you’re likely to have a drain as that was a bit of a shock to me and I had no idea how to manage it (I have a fund of daft stories about me and my drain) But it’s only for a few days IF you have one. My other advice, since you mentioned your family, is to just let go and let someone else run the household. You can’t. You’ll be a bit sore, possibly carrying a drain about and spending a fair bit of time doing your exercises - essential from the morning after surgery! Trust other people to do what’s best.
I can recommend YouTube videos to plug into for an uninterrupted hour or before you go to sleep. I still swear by Progressive Hypnosis’s Manifest Healing as she has the most soothing voice but there are many by Michael Sealey and others and they do work (speaking as someone with panic disorder).
All the best for Friday and remember, being strong is not a pre-requisite for dealing with breast cancer. It’s also not always achievable. Acceptance, emotional wellbeing and resilience are far more useful in my book. Take care of yourself.
Jan x