very true @mssteel . Beauty is I bought a Freely TV which lets me access IPlayer. Even better than normal TV.
I could also access ITV hub etc as well, but the Adds are painful…every 10mins. Ruin films. So I stay with BBC iplayer with no Adds. 
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Fingers crossed Friday happens @dcfc84 . 
My Trust dont do tattoos for Radiotherapy either. Which is a bonus. Like you, the breathing will be a challenge. I need to practise more 
. 15 days is a lot to get to isnt it.
Will be thinking of you on Friday. 
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I don’t mind the ads actually. They kind of make me feel more connected to the real world.
And that was probably the saddest thing I’ve ever written! 
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During chemo anything goes @mssteel . .
During the daytime, I do make sure I watch some Live/Freeview programmes for exactly that reason. 
Nighttime TV is another story unless I want to buy every gadget available, or get hooked on gambling 
. So I watch IPlayer Dramas to try and lull me back to sleep, if i get hit with night insomnia.
Funnily I dont mind the Ads on daytime Freeview. Every 20mins works fine. I almost forget they happen. They are also great breaks for food grabs, and toilet dashes 
(when drinking a lake to wash out chemo).
But the ITVHub reminded me of my YouTube angst where Ads never stop appearing. 
. So I gave up on it.
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Hey gang! Just had a huge catch up on the chat … my goodness we’re a bundle of side effects aren’t we!?!?
I had my fourth pac on Tuesday and for the first time had numb and tingly toes afterwards, so started to introduce dark chocolate here and there. Normally I love it, but it tastes weird atm, so forcing it down 
I had a terrible weekend mentally, I literally cried constantly! Not like me at all and I went to some very dark places in my thoughts, it was horrible and frightening. I’m putting it down to either the drugs, or the medical menopause my body is going through. Off the back of it, I’ve applied for counselling with WHY locally.
I actually think it was the first time I’ve really cried about the cancer and what’s been happening this year. Probably not a bad thing to let it out!!
I’m getting more and more tired on pac as well, literally sleeping like the door mouse in the teapot!! I’m finding the effects start sooner and end later the more I go on. Really Monday and Wednesday are the only days I feel “normal” as possible.
Hey ho, we’re getting closer to completing this temporary nightmare, thank goodness 
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So sorry you’re feeling this way @alannah172. In the spirit of misery loves company, I’ve been the same for a few weeks now. I don’t think there’s been a day I’ve not at least welled up in that time with the exception of today and there’s still time! I’m 7 days out from my switch to Pembro/EC and I’m feeling better each day, but a lot of the dip in my mental health I think has come from the cumulative effect of spending a lot of the last four months feeling unwell and, as I live alone and am on sick leave from work, just generally disconnected from the world. This makes sense to me!
The weekly treatments are hard. Like you said you don’t get much time in between infusions to feel normal. I told my oncologist last week I’d found the last few weeks of the weekly to be getting tougher and she said the effects can be cumulative unfortunately and I found comfort in her acknowledgement of how gruelling it is.
Signing up for counselling is a great move in my opinion. My counsellor is amazing and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. I also found chatting to other patients in the chemo suite to be therapeutic as we often found we all felt as rubbish as each other so at least we knew what were experiencing was expected.
And chatting here definitely helps.
Hang in there! x
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Sending you a huge hug @alannah172 . 
Going through chemo is seriously tough. As women always do, we try to knuckle down and get on with it, but that comes at a cost .
If we had flu for this length of time, we would be in hospital for weeks, but the chemo side effects can be debilitating, yet we carry on as if life is normal.
Im glad to hear you have signed up for Counselling. I think we should all have this as soon as we are diagnosed with cancer. Our lives have been turned upside down. And we are officially classed as Disabled. So we need as much support as we can get. Yet it can be slow in coming.
You have done incredibly well, but having more, new, side effects is exhausting over time. Especially when we were told Pac was kinder to us. It comes as a shock when it isnt as kind as we’d hoped.
Plus having our go-to past times stopped, like swimming, is cripplingly awful. PICCs are great, but also a pain for certain activities. I cant do my allotment, as I cant dig nor carry heavy things. So I completely understand your frustrations. Anger. Etc. 
Just hold on to the fact that “time” makes us reach the end of chemo eventually. You will get to swim again. We will get use to “new normals”.
I think we have all cried in our own way, throughout this process. And so we should. That shows how strong we are. But more importantly…..How human we are.
We are always here, walking by your side. Sending you hugs and love. We understand.
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Sending you extra hugs and love also @mssteel . .
We can do this. But this part of chemo is awful. Our bodies are pummeled, our four walls can feel as if they are closing in on us. Cabin fever is setting in.
Ive learnt to live in the moment, as much as I can. But thats not always easy when we feel life is carrying on without us. So, its fine to feel anger. Fine to cry. Fine to be human. Xxxx
Ive learnt to value the smaller things in my day. A moment without pain. A sparrowhawk on my hedge yesterday 
(beautiful). A friend’s texts 
A cosy bed 
. Food I can taste 
(sadly not sweets/chocolate that still taste yeuk). Kindness from others. Funny film . Knowing I sorted out one more minor job in my “queue list”. Just giving in to sleep, knowing Im giving my body time to heal. 
Hang in there lovely ladies. Xxxx
Xxxx
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What a gorgeous creature! I live near a city centre so it’s mostly just pigeons and magpies for me, although admittedly I do often find the magpies quite amusing. The tinkers!
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Thank you both @mssteel @poppy261 for being so understanding and kind.
I think we three are all alike as we live alone, I relish the peace and quiet normally, but 5 months now I’m getting a bit stir crazy!
I’ve also realised it’s a good thing to cry sometimes, I’m just not used to it.
I’m going to rejoin the National Trust as then I can get out with my dog to a pretty garden and walk, or just have a wander around a house when I feel like it 
Now it’s cooler at least going out and about isn’t such a hideous feeling!
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Sounds like a good plan @alannah172 . The National Trust has some beautiful places to visit. Free CarParking is also a huge bonus. But the gardens and buildings are seriously good for the soul.
Cooler weather for dogs will be bliss for walks. The heat has been unbearable for our canine friends.
Yes, I too, love living on my own. It is my quiet, calm place. But 4walls day in day out can test the best of all of us. Add chemo side effects and it can feel intolerable some days.
In the old days people stayed in hospital for chemo. We were much more nurtured and looked after. Its tough being sent home to cope with something so brutal. I think the pressures/demands on patients now is huge.
5 months is a long time. Especially when we are normally very active. Ive driven miles in my car on good days, just to remind myself there is a world out there, and to see the countryside/wildlife/people 
. Plus my car has got air-con, so driving has been nicer than going for a walk during the Heatwaves.
We will find ways round all the hurdles. But Im a firm believer in being kind to myself in the mean time. Pacing myself, and being honest with myself. If Im having a bad day, Im having a bad day. Thats OK. Ive tissues at the ready if I need to cry
When I first found out I had cancer, I threw an old radio on the floor that was refusing to work. It made a right old mess. All it did was create more problems. So I cleaned it up 
, threw it in the bin, and bought myself an “extra” Freely TV so I could watch TV in bed/listen to the radio channels when I was too tired to keep my eyes opened. Its been bliss.
We will get through this.
Re magpies and pigeons @mssteel , they are seriously funny. I remember visiting Trafalgar Square, as a child, and loving all the pigeons sitting on my head and arms . They are certainly not scared of us humans are they. And if they dont like us they can just c..p on us . Same with seagulls. They pinch our chips. 
. And we think we are the clever ones 
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So sorry to hear you’ ve been feeling so down, @alannah172 , it’ s a tough place to be and I think it’ s the total lack of choice, isn’ t it? We just don’ t have much. Either we have these vile treatments and hope they do the trick, but worry ourselves sick that they won’ t, or we refuse them and let nature - aka ‘ cancer’ in our case - take it’s course. And not many of us are willing to do that. So I guess we HAVE made our choice, but by gum, it isn’ t an easy one. Make no wonder the tears flow. I’ ve not cried at all, yet, but I very rarely do. don’ t know if it’ s just the way I am, or whether it’s generational, but I don’ t think so. I have one friend older than me who cries at everything….and I mean everything, silly little things…and she says it’ s how her anger comes out. Which makes sense. We have the right to get angry, I think. So I’ ve thrown a few things across a few rooms, made me feel better, released the anger for a while. But then, like @poppy261 with her old radio, you’ ve got to clean up all the mess!
Steroids…..hmmmm….unlike some of you I love mine! I don’ t get tablets to take at home, never been offered them, never even been discussed with me, I just get them in an infusion prior to the chemo, but the day after I actually feel NORMAL! Better than normal. I won’ t tell you all the stuff I’ ve done today, but I’ ve not stopped! It was when I found myself soaking mouldy wooden clothes pegs in bleach solution that I realised maybe I was going a step too far! Tomorrow I’ ll hit the floor and that’ ll be me done in all over the weekend. They don’ t seem to affect my sleep much, either, and I’ ve not had the red face, yet.
Let’ s keep on keeping on, girls, however we can manage. We’ re all here for each other, for as long as it takes. Time only goes forward. Bring it on.
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I hear you on the peace and quiet @alannah172. I agree that a lot the problem comes when, as @bea4 says, it doesn’t feel like a choice. The heat has been absolutely oppressive also and I would’ve struggled with that without the chemo side effects on top of it.
It is definitely a good thing to cry. Unfortunately I grew up in a family where crying or any kind of expression of negative emotion is not seen as a good thing and so my tears usually happen either alone or in the company of assorted medical professionals, who luckily have been generally supportive of crying! This is why counselling has been so valuable for me. I’m able to say how I really feel without anyone trying to hush me or fix it.
Rejoining the National Trust sounds like a great idea! Getting more outdoorsy is definitely something I want to do as soon as I’m able, even if it’s just a walk through a nice park, which is probably all I’ll be able to manage to start with!
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I’m the same with the steroids @bea4. The day after chemo for me is a Saturday and I generally have that better than normal feeling too. Like you said though, on Sunday, it all comes crashing down!
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Haha, this reminded me of the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2. And you’re right, they’re definitely not scared of us. Where I live, they don’t even move out of the road for traffic!
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Seagull Art.
Those white marks are not paint….they are Seagull Poop
How did they make the Spinning Bowl spin.
Enjoy your chips whilst you can @mssteel
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Did you manage to have your last DOC today @dcfc84 ? Fingers crossed you did.
@poppy261 yes I did thanks ! Neutrophils had increased sufficiently, picc line is removed too. A proper bath for me on Monday, I have a dressing on for 3 days.
Lovely, lovely staff in the Derby Royal hospital, can’t fault them
I’ve started using eyelash and eyebrow serums to see if they help to grow back. My hair is currently fuzzy and my face is growing hair where I’d rather it didn’t
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That is wonderful news @dcfc84 
.
You must feel liberated not having a PICC anymore. The thought of a bath/shower without arm protection will be a joy. 
.
Not having any more infusions….. that will be beyond fabulous Xxxx
And hair growth already!!!…..wow. Yes, I know exactly where my hair will start growing, and it wont be my head . I dreamt last night my hair had grown into a bob, then I woke up 
I hope the next two weeks of side effects treat you kindly. And hope all the prepping/treatment for Radiotherapy goes smoothly.
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Well, after 14 chemo rounds with no problems and only 2 to go, I’ve ended up in, you guessed it, hospital!
Neutrophils have plummeted from 22.9 to 1 and white blood cells are down from 31 to 2. Guess that last chemo round did a number on me!
The punchline is, I don’t even really feel ill. Been having intermittent chills for a couple of days, which I didn’t think were anything, but started feeling a little achey today so checked my temp and it was 37.5.
The good news is, I have my own room and the bed goes up and down. 
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