my partner of 6 yrs is now leaving me. i was diagnosed in 2005 6 months after having our daughter. he hasn’t been very supportive - even when i was pregnant he said he wanted to be back with his ex. i look so different from how i used to - my long hair has gone, i have hot flushes and sweats during the night, i have a scar on my boob, i’ve put weight on.
he has said some horrible things to me and now i just feel so down and low. he even said he wished i was dead but then said he didn’t mean it - he was drunk. he always talks about being back with his ex, he said he prayed to god that the last face he saw before he departed this earth was not mine.
we are selling our dream home and he has now told me he has been seeing someone else for the last couple of weeks and is planning a houseshare with his ex. he wants to know that i will not stop him seeing our daughter and taking her to the house he plans to move to with the ex - that will be so hard for me.
i have another daughter who is half caste - tonight he told me that when we first got together 6yrs ago he knew it wasn’t right that i had a daughter that was half caste. he said he knew in 2003 that he shouldn’t have been selling his house to buy one with me.
i know by telling him this morning that i wasn’t happy and we should split was the right thing to do but it took me so long to meet him i’m scared of seeing someone else with my sweats/scar/flushes - who would want to put up with that.
last night we were having a talk and he said he didn’t want to sell the house and wanted to make a go of it. so when i said it was over he then told me about the ex and the other girl he’s been seeing.
sorry - i’m just sounding off but i’m not feeling very strong at the moment and i now wonder about the 6yrs wasted.
Louis,
He is not worth it and you will meet someone who will take you for who you are not what your looks are. You did not waste 6 years either, you had happy times and two daughters, who will give you the strenght to fight on.
You have taken the decision to split up, now you must move on and look after YOURSELF and your own happiness.
Good luck.
Louise it sounds like he is just trying to hurt you…he says he wants to make a go of things and you have said no…he is feeling rejected and transferring this onto you and trying to hurt you and what better way to do this than talking about other women, his regrets and your children…
Take support from those around you who care for you, love you and can support you until you feel strong enough to do this…and you will feel strong again…you are already making some tough decisions and remember how you got through breast cancer?
Please remember that inside you are the same person, scars, flushes, changes in body image etc don’t change that…any old or new man in your life that cannot see that will not be the right man for you…and is certainly not worth wasting precious time on…
Dear Louise - Reading your words just made me want to be able to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest of hugs. The hurtful words that you have had to endure are just too awful - no excuses of alcohol, or rejection, make them any more tolerable. As you say in your heading, this really is mental cruelty and must feel too much to deal with when you are already vulnerable and have been through so very much already.
As Deb says, do surround yourself with people who love you and care for you and value you, and never lose sight of the very special and wonderful person you are. In the future, I am sure the time will come when you meet someone else who truly appreciates you. For now, you need to protect yourself from this man and the hurt he is causing you. As well as your friends, do seek legal advice and don’t be afraid to ask for more help in the way of counselling or support if you feel it would support you. The six years are not wasted, but just now you need to care for and protect yourself and your children. Please, please let us know how you get on. With love and very many best wishes for the coming days and weeks. Sarah xx
Louise,
I am in tears reading your post, what a horrible excuse for a human being, You will meet someone else who will love you for you, regardless of scars, and even if you didn’t, you would still be much better off without such a t*** in your life. It definitely sounds like he is trying to hurt you for finishing it, but you have done the right thing and one day you will look back and be really glad you made such a hard decision.
Good luck, love and big hugs,
Zoe x x
Oh Louise, what can anyone say to help you? My partner of 8 years left me when I was on my last leg of chemo 4 years ago.He didn’t have someone else although at the time I thought he had. I was at my absolute worst, no hair, no boobs, fat and not good company. I was derranged! I used to scream and scream in the car until my eyes where bloodshot and my voice had gone. I didn’t sleep or eat, I was a complete mess. People said things like “men find this sort of thing hard to cope with”. So I was supposed to feel sorry for him was I? I used to fantasise about revenge, I was gonna burn down his house, wreck his car etc. etc. I found this helped actually. Also I did a lot of writing, just anything I thought, then later, re-reading it, I could see that I started to change and feel differently about it, slowly, very slowly. I went on a couple of desparate dates (internet dating) just to give myself something to think about that wasn’t him. That helped too. I bought new clothes and make up. I just got through somehow, passing the time, waiting for it not to hurt so much. I felt like that was the end of me, who would want me now? We were still in touch, but not often and I was always scared of saying the wrong thing or sounding needy. After about 18mnths we kind of got back together again and have been back together since. But d’you know what? I don’t need him anymore. I forgive him for turning his back on me when I was so low, well, I say I forgive him, I don’t understand it but then I don’t understand some of the things I do either. I think he was just a coward. The thing is, after going through all that I now know that I am much stronger than I thought I was and no-one can ever make me feel that bad again. I’m not bitter about it, not now, its just that the suffering made me strong. All the time I thought I couldn’t cope, I WAS coping. Then the time comes when it hurts less and less and it gets easier. Anyway Louise, after going through what you’ve been through already don’t you deserve better? Being without a man certainly beats being with one like that.
As tonyguk says, stuff him, you’ve got your children, concentrate on them and show that dick that you’ve got your self respect.
Carol Xx
I have to agree with tonyguk. I simply cannot believe that any man could treat someone facing BC in such a dispicable way.
Yes, surgery, treatment, hair loss etc etc are all horrible. But, I would rather have my wife around to see my young children grow up.
Without being offensive I haven’t the words to describe what I think of that individual. Louise, there will be other friends and family who will provide you with themlove and support that you need and deserve. I hope that for you and your daughter’s sake you can get over this man quickly. All the very best.
Thank you to everyone. I have been feeling stronger - he doesn’t like this. I think I’ve managed to sell the house and now - he doesn’t want to sell. I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to find out where I stand legally. I definitely want to sell the house, I definitely want to be on my own with my girls and I definitely want to look forward to enjoying my life.
Dear Louise - Thank you so much for posting. I have been thinking of you a lot over the past days, and wondering how you were and what was happening. It’s really good to hear you sounding strong, and clear in your mind what you want to do. Hope the visit to the solicitor was helpful. Do let us know how everything goes. We are all here for you, and willing you to be strong and build a new life without this man’s destructive influence on you and your girls. Love Sarah.
Update - solicitor confirmed what I had found out on the internet - I can go to court and force him to sell or I can make him pay for the house for me and our daughter. Obviously I would prefer the first option.
He is still adament that he is not selling - even if we get a good offer on the house. He has also asked me if I want to go away with him for the week. I have queried what good this would do as nothing will change. He has told me now that the girl he has been seeing is purely someone to talk to and that the comments regarding the ex are purely to get a reaction from me and if he meant it when he says he wants to be with her - why would he be trying to make a go of it with me. I know why - the 4 bed brand new detached house we are in. He would not have this house if it wasn’t for the huge deposit I put down. I know that nothing will change. I don’t feel anything for him. It’s still over. I just need to persuade him to feel the same.
He has gone out tonight and even had the cheek to ask me to pick him up when he has had his fill of alcohol. Needless to say I’m safely tucked up in bed.
As a man with breast cancer i think that your man is an idiot and you are sooo much better then him and girl believe me i had my fair share of grief off my ex same sort of thing!!
I think you should leave him and i promise you will find someone like i did my guardian angel c any way he is what is called in London a Pussy hole he ain’t a man for putting you through that
Hi Louise,
What a complete bastard. After everything you have been through you deserve so much better. I think you should kick him out, stay in your lovely house and make him pay the mortgage. Get a restraining order to keep him away.
I am so angry at the things he has said to you, its disgusting.
It will be hard for a couple of years but it will be so worth it, you really owe it to yourself and your kids. I am sorry if i sound like a right bitch, i think since having BC I dont take crap from anyone ( ha ha) .
Stay strong and positive lots of love Andrea xx
I am so sorry to hear how badly this man has been treating you - even without BC that sort of behaviour is not acceptable. One of your early comments was about who else would want you … don’t let that be your main concern, I’ve been mainly single for the past 17 years (I’ve had little fun relationships along the way) and I’ve managed to survive and have fun even tho I haven’t had an ‘other half’.
The important thing at the moment is to concentrate on yourself and your girls - this man is not supporting you, he’s doing more harm than good so get rid and don’t regret.
Hi louise,
my heart goes out to you…and what exactly does he mean he knew you having a half caste daughter wasn’t right???
sorry i can’t stand rasicim/descrimination of anykind
Get rid of the t****r…you and your daughters are the most important thing…he’s just back-tracking because he knows what he’s about to lose…as much as it hurts stick to your guns.
you haven’t wasted 6 yrs as you have another beautiful daughter…personally i wouldn’t stay with him i’d never be able to forget the things he’s said…to be honest his comments are absoluately disgusting/disgraceful…you will meet someone else in the future…someone who respects and loves you and your girls.
And yes it is mental cruelty…i spent years in with an ex who was mentaly and physically abusive…i eventually found the courage to split with him…not any easy decision when you have 3 children together…that was nearly 20 yrs ago…i eventually met my now husband who is the most wonderful man and i know that i could not of got through BC without him.
A typical coward and a bully. Louise, you and your girls don’t deserve any of this appalling treatment. He may be the father of your youngest, that’s a separate issue, but he has no place in a relationship with you after such terrible rudeness, cruelty and lack of respect. You don’t need to be carrying him through this, let him sort his dependence on alcohol out for himself, keep your daughters’ safety paramount, and yes, you can stay in the house or sell, as you wish, and expect financial support from him at least until your child leaves school. Listen carefully to your solicitor, make notes of everything this man says, conciliatory or otherwise, you may need to quote them. You need all your strength for your children and yourself, not to support such a lame, immature, selfish and unkind man. My heart goes out to you. Lyn xxx