Message for siggo (Lee)

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1

Hello Lee,

I too have had a tough time this year, you can see my post “a worried young husband and father”

Its shocking, these forums are fantastic at relieving the strain and all the ladies are positive, treatments are tough, but effective and breast cancer is a very successfully treated condition.

I have a young daughter and can relate to how you must feel, with your children being involved to, they are the reason we must be strong.

Things are good for us at the moment, and i feel that that must have been why I could let go of all my stress and fear, acceptance isnt easy, uncertanty isnt easy, but we must both tell ourselves not to waste the time we have on this earth, with our loved ones, illness or no illness.

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the support i can,

I do think that more men should open up about these things, I blocked it all for 8 months, and had a mini emotional breakdown, two weeks ago. it was a positive thing, I am dealing with all my worries and have found that, speaking about my feelings has help, I do recomend counceling. I am slowly accepting life and the new normal as my wife puts it, yes times are hard, but we must not be blind to what is right there in front of us,

If you are interested in talking maybe we could build each other up a bit.
Peer support have been unable to find me a suitable match.

I am slowly learning the new normal, and hope that over the next few weeks, I wont over think on the negatives and focus on the great thing i have in my life right now.

nobody knows whats around the corner, but if we focus on worrying, the we will miss out on the positives.

our wives are both here now, and we should enjoy them and our familes as much as possible,

We do face some surgery, but i am looking at that very positively, a possible hystorectomy and maybe a Bi lateral mast. that is good because it removes the bad, then all we have to deal with is the bones, and as the ladies here say, you can live a pretty normal life, with the cancer being more of a chronic illness, than a cancer as such.

Sorry to go on, but i am glad to see another family man on here.

at times like this i think its important to open up and stick together. I must admit after a good cry, I feel lighter and stronger, each time, acceptance and enjoyment is what we need,

we owe it to ourselves and our partners to enjoy the moment, we must be aware of what is going, but should not let it drown us. things may get tough, but right now its about recovery and afinding the new normal, its not easy, but I am sure w will get through things as best we can.

again sorry to waffle but its great to hear another bloke on here.

Peace & Support to you.

Matt

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matt hi
dont worry you not waffling. Good to here from another supportive partner and husband. I am often here so will always chat. i was recomended this site by our BC nurse and it really helps me. Have many a laugh on here, and the girls are amazin. Always have time to offer help and support. Give your wife my love and we will get through it. catch you later
Lee

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Cheers lee,

will send you a good message when i get a moment, at work at the mo.

your doing a good job, ironing, so far i have been lucky, she wont let me do it because i am not great at it. but i do get my daughter up and ready everyday bfore work, and do the dad thing after work and on the weekends. again my wife also encourages me to have my own time, I am a bit of an artist and do get two nights to do the arty farty stuff, that helps, my wife and i will be going to yoga once a week as from next week,

there is a weekend you can do as acouple in bristol about relaxation and coping and diet and stuff, I will get the details from themissus and let you know, we are going in november.

Speak again soon
and thankyou very very much for the reply.

from you dad and hubby to another, stay strong, we will have the strenght to do this thing.

Peace

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hi Mat
and thank you.
With the ironing, you do get better with practice lol. I am gettin good now and not sure thats a good thing. I,m at a bit of an advantage over you as im not working as yet so i dont mind. it keeps me occupied.
I think yoga is a good thing. Me and jill did give it a go few years ago as i am a bit of a stress head but struggled to master it so slowly gave up. Think maybe now i might benefit from it. I like try and keep fit to and yoga can be good for that. Let me know how you find it. May suit you good if you arty type, not being funny.
Weekend thing in Bristol sounds good, but i suppose like everything else it will come at a price and being self employed have to watch the pennies a bit till i know whats going on. Did buy my jilly this laptop which turned up yesterday. Its a little treat for her as she said that we prob going to have do xmas shopping on line this year. So sod it gave her treat. Love her.
Catch u later me ole fruit.
Chin up Lee

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Arty Farty, Ha ha I like it, My parents and my brother and his wife, call me and my wife tree huggers, but when i say arty farty, I mean tattoo’s, I am a refrigeration & Air con engineer, running a team, on commercial sites,

A month before my wife was diagnosed, she knew my love of art and tatts and heavily encouraged me to invest in the gear, I have been tattooing a year now and getting quite good, I really find it just as good as councilling, getting them and giving them,

I must say that my head is in a better place now, I have had a great wkend with my two girls and fell that, the live for today idealism is firmly, refound and back on the go,

did i hear that you are a bit of a biker? maybe a tattoo is in order? if your ever in west sussex, then let me know, free tatts for caring OH’s, my next tatt is a diamond, with the words hold fast,

I agree sod it treat your good lady, its only cash, cant take it with you, I have a theatre trip for my wife in a week, its her birthday, she is/was a drama teacher and loves that stuff.

its wierd how things go up and down and up and down all the time hey.

Keep in touch my friend, I hope you have had a good weekend.

Peace.

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It so great to see you guys having a chat on this site. I wish that my husband could of done this through my treatment last year.
He had to keep strong and only recently told me how he had been feeling…and had kept it to himself.
that made me feel terrible.

well done.best wishes to you and yours!
becks.

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hi Matt and Becks and thanks
hope your better now becks
hows you Matt. Sorry not logged on for while. It sort of had that haunted feel about going back here as my head was all over place at time and it bought back memories if that makes any sense. Feel that i owe it to you and others as well so here i am. Think i am bit better. Jill straightens me out. She so strong and possitive and i know now thats how you have to be. I am sure i dont need to explain to you. Been sleeping better but still not what i,d call a good nights sleep but at least i dont have to get up and go to work. Tell you what though, its no holiday camp having to do all house work, feed and look after 3 kids as well as my princess.
Got go see Oncolgist on 13th gulp. I,m praying for no sh*t news. We know cemo on cards so thats bad enough.
I love bikes and tats and i,m only in East Sussex so might have take you up on tat,lol . Bless ya.
Hope you have cool night at the theatre, should be good. Let me know what it like and what you saw.
Think i,ll prob have conseling. How did you find it for you.
Any way peace to you ole tree hugger and keep your chin up
Lee

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I did write a really good post but my poxy pc timed out. So here it is in brief.
I know what you mean about having you head all over the place, on minute you’re up the next your down, I don’t understand that why after three good days, you have a bad one.
Glad your getting some sleep, mine is still assisted, in a small way, but i am slowly weaning myself of the tabs, down to one a day.
I know what you mean about the forums, depending on my mood, will depend on when, if i sign on, mostly find this place positive.
I do try and only read positive threads though, did find myself crying at work reading a sad one.
I would say give the counselling ago, my local cancer charity helped me find one, that doesn’t cost the earth, and it really helped speaking with someone experienced in this field, drop your gaurd and talk openly, I have had three or four now and things get better and better each time, I am losing baggage that isn’t helping me and I am learning to understand these new feelings, an d she is so positive, give it ago, you may need to try a few until you find one you get on with. It worked for me.
Chemo!! Its hard, but think of it as positive, it is a big kick in the nuts to the disease. Side effects are hard, but manageable. I went to all my wife’s treatments, and made sure we did something nice the weekend before, it kept our minds of the treatment, it comes in cycles, and my wife was rough for the first two weeks and okay in the third. I am sure you are strong enough to get through it. My wife is doing okay now. Which is why i relaxed and broke down 6 weeks ago, as i said, the councelling is helping.
Sounds like you are turning into a domestic god over there in east sussex.
The theatre was ace, it was about numbers, it was called disappearing numbers and was by theatre de complicite. Life is infinite and never ending, i thought it would be rubbish, but it rocked, my wife was right again. LOL. Fog was bad on the way home and it took ages to get back to pagham. Our littleone kept us up the night before with teeth, and we wre both shattered on the day, never the less we had a great time.
Do you know how to send private messages on here, or do you fancy swapping email addresses. No pressure, this is good enough. Justa though.
Do tempt me on the tattoo. I love em, am hooked, any time any place, as a supportive OH, you deserve one mate.
My wife did suggest that you mention the conference calls that breast cancer care offer. She said that they help on so many levels.
Any ways.
Peace out, sounds like you are doing a good job,

Matt The Tree Hugger
PS sorry for the sketchy post!!

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My wife suggests the conference calls to your wife, sorry lee, having a fight with my pc at the moment.

peace.

speak again soon no doubt, apologies again for the sketchy post.

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hi matt me ole tree hugger
how you doin. Hows the roller coaster ride because as the song goes “life is a rollercoaster, just got a ride it”. I find myself singing that song very regular.
I know exactly what you mean about up and down all the time, and i,m sure you to find that it is more of a down than up with this blasted cancer. We have to keep kicking ourselves up the arse.
I do like a beer, and find myself downing a few to many sometimes just to get that escape but i dont let this happen very often. I know its not the answer and its expensive as no money coming in now. Nice treat sometimes though. Can understand your experience after drinking few too many and breaking down. Have been there.
Not sure how to send private message but have no problem with that or exchanging email if we can sus it.
I think you will know of a campsite local to you that me and jill have many fond memories of that make me laugh now just thinking about it,ie. we set off one friday to southern leisure, Chichester, with jill on back of bike with a rucksack on her back ,that being only 5’’ 1’, was bigger than her. How she stayed on the back i dont know…blo**y laugh. I know Pagham a bit to.
Had to see the Oncologist for first time on Mon. What a lovely day…not. Left early as its a real nightmare to park at Brighton hospital. Nothing unusual to que for 1 hour plus. Anyway, we drive straight in car park and end up sitting in waiting room at 10.15 for a 11.30 appointment. Bear in mind that jill is still suffering from major surgery. Anyway we last on list and eventually get seen at 13.45. I know that theres not much you can do about it and it cant be helped but,my god, dont they b**ody think jill is and has suffered enough. I was blo**y fuming. Just not fair. Doc was ok and he didn,t really give me any suprises. There chucking the full works at Jill so that be something to look forward too. Doom and gloom. Jill calls me her “Eeyore” If you,ve watched Winnie poo you,ll know what i mean. Hence i must get myself sorted. Not want to bring Jill down with me.
Got bone scan tomorrow.YIPEE.
Bye for now
Eeyore (Lee)

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Ignore that matt
just playing with trying send private message.
Can any one out there enlighten us???

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Just put matts ID in the wee box under add your comments ,where it says Send a private message to…
Then only he can read it,
Good luck,
Dot

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Hi siggo

You have successfully sent Matt a private message, only you, he and the moderator can read it.

Kind regards
Lucy

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Eeyore, not quite there yet, we are on “in the night garden at the mo”

I have made some pretty big changes, the big drinking session, left me with a blank spot and on a very negative plain,

I ditched the fags, caffine, and booze, been going through that and just being affraid, Life chucks some pretty tough things at us, I see people enjoying life on a daily basis, and they have had a tough time to, a good friend of mine, lost both his parents by 16, he has a great life now, 15 years later, ha assures me, this is life, and we just gotta take what is thrown at us, I know this seems easier said than done, but I am just starting to get the message, its all about being in the moment, and appreciating things, I am happy today, because my mum is coming tomorrow for ten days, who’d have thought it, I WANT MY MUMMY, Ha Ha Ha, just like when you graze your knee at 5 years old hey, and my bro for the weekend, they are a welcome treat. I need them and they have been far away. living in france.

Glad you have happy memories of my area, I used work on the bar there 12 years ago, saving for stuff and broke at the time, good days, bar work was fun.

Its hard for me to say this, because i struggle with it myself, but we must stay positive for our families, its easy said, you are doing more than me around the house, and more than i did too, my wife is fairly ok so fingers crossed that the meds work.

You say that they are throwing everything at yuor wife, I would say that, that is a positive, because they will kick the S**T out of the disease, she sounds like a fighter. I wanted more than what they gave jo, but we are in a differnt boat i think? not sure. the treatment can be hard, i dont think having seen jo go through it that it will as hard as you think, depends on the chemo drug you wife is having. the more they do the better I say, you are good support,

i do feel for some of the ladies here who’s partners have done nothing but run, believe me, i have wanted to, but thats not my way, like i said, you have to go through things to become stronger, individual and as a couple. I will do what i can, good days and bad, and as time passes things become the new normal, whatever happens time is the healer, we will be stronger better people and our relationships will be better too, our wives need us, In sickness and in health, thats how it goes i think, and so do our kids, its not ever going to be easy i think, but it will get easier, we will learn from our experiences and become better people for it.

All i know, is that I want to loose the negativity and not waste time feeling sorry about this stuff, so as not to waste time being sad, and instead enjoy time doing good stuff, with my beautiful family.

My wife has said similar things to me about being down, and your right, it is the kick we need, women are tougher than i thought hey?

Anyways, I hope you got my email, stay strong, were doing fine my friend. on the top secret message,

speak again soon, drop me a line.

Peace

Ye Olde Tree Hugger

Matt

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Ps: The waiting game, i know what you mean, every time we go, they are running late, we didnt mind waiting as we always either played cards or travel scrabble. its just part of the journey, waiting!! but on the up side the onc doc was and is great, a jo gets what she needs when she needs it with out any trouble. she is patient and answers all our questions in away thatwe can understand, and never complained about us and our page of questions, each visit.

adios amigos

El amigo treeio huggio

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Good morning Matt
How are you both
Got your email
i,ll send you mine, we can use it when needed, but i think i owe it to every body to stay on forums as (your self included) so many have helped me and what we say may help others.
Bone scan yesterday went ok. Was quite a long day as scan 3hrs after injection, but we sussed out staff and patient canteen, well more of a restaurant really. Was really nice with views out to sea, so managed to kill bit time there. Just got to pray results are ok.
Getting bit worn out now. Not getting that deep sleep that we need. If i wasn,t getting up for jill last night i was for little johnny. If im not looking after jill, it,ll be johnny or doing chores. There’s no escape, but i,m not really complaining. I dont have to get up and go to work, but that is what i would rather be doing if jill was well enough. Just feel a bit stir crazy amongst other emotions. Still this is were we are so just have to get on with it.
Hey mate, i,m pleased your mum and co are visiting. Sounds like you need that, and i hope it works. You have a close family by the sounds of things, just live not so close. I,m sure they will be always there for you both even if it is a phone call away.
any way Mr Ink, I,ll catch you later. I feel a sarnie coming on.
Lee

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SORRY FOR THE LONG POST AGAIN!!

Evening Lee,

We are both doing okay, jo is doing great, and very strong, I have had a bit of a mare over the past month or so, and have found that i am slowly coming to terms with things, keep having little set backs though. Got the week off un paid to spend with my mum and sort my head out a bit more, she brought me a book called “stop thinking start living and I have a counciling session too. Tomorrow. I am getting better,

How are you two doing, and how is the family?

This roller coaster is crazy, has knocked me, and I feel bad because its not fair on jo, trying to find a coping strategy, had alot of family over the weekend and they have all reassured me with support and brought food parcels and offered help in every way, it was a very nice feeling.

Life isn’t easy, my uncle said something, “yesterday, I dared to struggle. Today, I dared to win!” i found this very up lifting, and a kick up the ass.

My problem is and has always been through life to dwell and think too much about the negative stuff, never really been 100% happy with anyone day, and have been a little self centred, my wife deserves better, and i will make sure i do my best to make the relevant changes, it may take time but i will try my damdest.

My mother also bought a journal for me, I hope to put it to good use.
I received your email, thank you, and i agree 100% we should keep this chat on here, maybe start a new thread with a more appropriate title so that other guys in our position see it more obviously, I must say that last week I got quite angry about the fact that there is still not alot of support for partners, maybe we need to do something about that.

You are right, we owe it to people to stay here.

I hope the results are good, I am sure they will be, my wife has bone issues, and if you read the forums that discuss this, it is very well managed and more of a chronic illness, I think they are just checking everything with your wife, they did with jo, scans every other day for two weeks just to be sure they don’t over look anything, our thoughts are with you. Sounds like the hospital is nice, sea views!!!

One thing i will say is that you will have to get used to the waiting game, chemo is like a day out, jo and i took cards, mags, and even travel scrabble to keep us busy, the staff are great but the system and process seems to be slow, the nurses do a great job, and i admire them a great deal, not sure if i could do it.
The tiredness is something that gets me, I must say that I am slowly getting to grips with the sleep issues, don’t mean to be hippy dippy, but you could try a camomille sleep remedy herbal tea, my mother swears by them, our daughter is 99% ok through the night and touch wood we have been quite blessed with her, she is a very well natured toddler.

I will say councilling relieved my tension, and is still doing so, each time i get a little better. Its about finding a coping strategy. This release also, helps off load, and helps sleep too.

The emotions are tough, to be honest with the work thing you cant win, when your at work you want to be at home, and vice versa.
As you say, this is where we are, we must find a way to just get on with it. I am trying really hard to do more around the house, and will break some habits and change for the better. The things i read about what you are doing around the house, is very inspirational, i know this **T is tough to deal with, keep up the good work,

I am glad that my mum is here, best keep this short, HA HA HA, Mr ink and short post’s, i don’t think so, its such a good out let.
You could try, cancer back up, they are based in brighton, and offer support to patients and familes, it was acharity like this that got me to a councillor.
I hope the sarnie was nice. Thanks for keeping up with communication, stay strong.

Mr ink

Just one thing is saw some of the ladies here doing?
Name: Matt
Kids: 1 daughter
D.OB: 10/08/80
Occupation: contracts engineer (refrig and A/C)
Like: good tattoos and arty stuff, I play guitar badly
Dislike: lazy people,
Hobbies: reading, art, music,
Reading: stop thinking, start living – Richard Carlson - this is well worth a read
Listening to: anything soothing

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Hi
I really enjoy reading this thread so I am glad you are not going down the email route. My husband and I talked openly about the what ifs and now the whens. I have read some of your posts to him. Maybe he has a peek when he is in his office. I think the profile idea is a good one.

Love Debsxxx

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Hello Debs.

I am glad that you enjoy reading this, I hope your Husband doesnt feel alone, by you reading him these posts to him .
I know the score when it comes to how hard you ladies have to fight,
As men, we stereotypically feel that we have to be tough, but being tough, doesnt help all that much sometimes, I will openly say that I have had a mini emotional breakdown recently and am slowly building myself back up. I am confident that these experiences will become easier to deal with and that we will all cope, come hell or high water,

We all want an easy happy time, that is impossible in the world we live in, we can choose to let it beat us, or we can beat it.

I am glad to hear that you have been reading our post, I am slowly developing a coping strategy, and find that doing more to help around the house gives me a sense of goodness that I am able to help, and can cope.

for my wife and I it is early days, and as many here have said, we can treat this condition as a chronic illness, I will become stronger every day, and find a way to positivly approach our new normal, its just the name of this condition, historically brings pain to my heart.

I admire all the fighters out there, how do you all cope, you are a tough bunch.

Courage and adaptability, I strive to appreciate the evryday happiness now, I used to over anylise stuff and was never really satisfied, now i am changing it will take time, but my goal, is to think positivly and embrace what life throws at me. I must be strong,

My dad said to me on the phone today,

“son, you will be fine, sorry let me change that, we will been fine,” my family will be and are always there for me, thats something great, i know of a few ladies on their own, they must be so strong.

THanks for your comments, glad we are reaching other men,

Stay strong, peace.

Matt

20

good morning matt
dont keep apologiesing for long posts. It was good.
Its Saturday yipee. Not that it makes any difference to me apart from kids getting under me feet lol.
Sorry ive been AWOL. Thought it be a good idea to decorate living room. Dont much like decorating best of times but it cheer up jill a bit. All white, and it took bl**dy 6 coates. Still it done now apart from bit glossing, and it looks good. Hate having untidy living space. Reminds me of my cluttered mind.
Hows your end my friend. Hope you had good break. Did u get up to much?
Sounds like you and me have few things in common, when you say about being negative and dwelling. I often dont like the person i am. Negative or is it being realistic, i tell myself. Its not like we are fittted with a switch that you can just flick to positive is it? How can you just alter your mind. I,m hoping that that is where the counseler comes in. I am a funny bug**r and not funny ha,ha, (do have my moments). My filosophy is this. If i dont worry about things then im being complacent and have a dont care attitude that could will that thing to happen. On the other hand if i do worry and think about things its me trying to do my bit and stop it from happening. Its a no win situation that i have to change. The worry brings me down and one day it will make me ill. Its like i just need to float off in a care free environment with the fairys. I,ll add that im not into drugs. Doctors on monday to see if he can refer me to a counselor. I have seen one before about 5 -6 years ago when my marriage broke up and i inevitably i had to leave the family home. My love for my then 2 boys, was and still is, like a mothers love for her children and to say i struggled was an understatement. Had a number of visits to counslor that didn,t really help me that much. It is time, i think, that eased the pain then and it is only resent that i felt that life was returning to a bit of a norm. Plus i think my boys are getting older (13,16) and are starting to do there own things,especially the elder. Any way, i since met my Jilly and although not planed, 3 .2 years ago had little johnny…bless, he,s lovely. Things are looking better. Head sorting itself out. Jill has put up with a long time of me struggling with sorting my head out, and she is the woman that i want to spend the rest of my life with. So things were beginning to sort themselves out until…here we are today. I,m not religious, but i,m sure like many others, a bit of an in between. Have prayed in past and quite a bit lately, but, my GOD where are you when you need him. The hole life thing makes you feel often very bitter towards god if there is one. Still as i often force myself to thing, “there is always someone worse off” . Anyway, in defence of him upstairs, we did have a lump that alerted us to see the doctor, that happened to be non cancerous, so if it was not for that, how long would jill have gone on not knowing. Maybe there is someone looking over us?
And you thought you could go on. Beat this one ha ha. I wont apologies either.

New thread sounds good idea. Do you think we will have any thing to talk about by then.lol

Dont you worry to much about housework OUCH! did you just kick me Joe? Dont forget you are working fulltime. Save yourself for when Joe is convalescing. You,ll have to do it then. Dont worry its a doddle. Lord i do miss my work but as you said, i,d worry and want to be home if i was. Got wait till Jill bit better. She getting there slowly though.

Thank you for that Brighton shop. Am quite interested in alternatives.

Any way, about time im got on. I,m not saying SORRY for long post either. Catch you later.

NAME: Lee
KIDS: 3 sons, 2 stepsons. Yes you read right
D.O.B. 1967
OCCUPATION:20 yrs steel erector/welder. Now HGV driver 4 yrs
LIKE: peace
DISLIKE: Ignorance
HOBBIES: Fitness(running when time and energy) Allotment
LISTENING: Anything i like sound of. New and old.
READING: “ultimate weapon” just finished that one of my boys loaned. Prob “Stop thinking, start living” , next

Take care all
Lee