Monday 23rd August - Stop that ride I'm ready to get back on

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Below is a page from my diary… thought I would share it with you wonderful ladies.
Faz x

You know since being diagnosed I have felt so many different emotions, fear being the main one, helpless, shocked, angry and guilty - did I bring this on myself? I have, I feel, been depressed. It’s so hard to explain the feelings that you feel unless you really have “walked the walk”. I don’t know how to deal with them. I am a worrier.

I have sat for hours on the internet over the past 3 weeks and tried to find as much information about breast cancer, (invasive or not), DCIS and LCIS. I have learned so much, read so many sad stories and many success stories. I have learned what types of breast cancers there are, stages, grades, what clear margins mean, learnt about different biopsies, what all the shortened medical terminologies mean - i.e. bc, dx, wle, mx and so on. I have gained knowledge. Knowledge of a disease that the very word scares us all. As they say, forewarned is forearmed. Surely this will make me stronger and a better person?

I suppose that the last few weeks, after the initial shock, have made me think. I have taken a good long look inside myself and realised what matters. Life is a gift, a very precious gift. I cannot take one moment for granted. Even if the results come back clear next week, I feel that it has been a wake up call. Stop abusing your body, stop worrying about mundane things and getting upset because the house is dirty or the kids are arguing, isn’t it just wonderful to hear their voices? I could have been one of the unlucky ones, still could.

Yes I have early stage breast cancer but I’m here now! Yes at times I feel fear and feel like I am having an out of body experience, or feel that I am on an emotional rollercoaster and at times I feel so sad and alone because nobody understands what I am going through. But I also know that I am on a journey to the unknown and that I have to train my thoughts to the glass is half full and not half empty as it always has been in my life. I also know that I will still at times feel overwhelmed, scared (again and again), I will of course fear death, feel stressed with my everyday life trying to work and be a wife and mom, whilst trying to stay strong, and yes I will cry. But I have two choices, I can have breast cancer and be unhappy and let it bring me down or I can have breast cancer and be happy and fight. I think I’ll take the happy fighting one!

I can only do my best, and with the support of my husband, family and friends I will be ok. I will survive cancer, not for me but for my 3 beautiful children.

Old proverb:
I read this today on a breast cancer site.

“To know the road ahead, ask those coming back” (Chinese Proverb)

Feelings & thoughts:

Am I scared, Hell yes, petrified, but I know that negative thoughts are bad for me and have decided that tomorrow will be the start of my new life. Positive and raring to go!!

Let me back on that ride, I’m ready for you now!!!

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us Faz. Yout philosophy is bang on for me
Good luck with everything.
Hugs Maria

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that was well written you stay on that ride keep possitive welcome to your first day well done elaine

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Great post, my thoughts exactly. All the best to you X

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So much of what you have written is what I am feeling at the moment, but one thing I do know, is that I have far too much to do to let this stop me!!

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I admire your fighting spirit, unfortunately I became very depressed during my journey and that was far worse than the BC because I was on my own!
Dx last August (2009) and had my final op Feb 2010, a mx!
Since,I have struggled and it has been a very lonely road at times until I found this wonderful site where the generosity, kindness and pure support was given so freely by other sufferers of this dx.
Now, I’m nine months on since mx and complications have decreased with further physiotherapy etc. I still feel very weary with fatigue and having returned to work life has taken on a new complexion!
But this cancer dx has shown me who is important in my life, what is important and I’m trying harder than I’ve ever tried to keep depression at bay…
I let the smaller niggles in life float by me now… well, most of the time anyway!!! I want to keep stress as low as possible, eat healthily and enjoy life’s adventures and try very hard to keep my cup half full…
I’m now in the position to give something back so I try and support other women in the same situation and have taken on a role within my local support group. It is the least I can do, after all the help other women have shown me over the past 15 months.
The fight to get through cancer is an admirable attitude but it is marked with many pitfalls if your recovery is not straightforward,if you don’t have personal support, if your dx triggers other health issues and of course if you develop secondaries at a later date…

I think the message behind this ‘ramble’ is that if you can’t fight DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP!
It can take some time to find your fight…
For me it was much later than the women who posted before me.

Again, I would reiterate the strength of attitude posted above.
Your focus to survive cancer and reduce negativity in your life is such a positive way forward. I wish you all the very best.
I admire your strength so much.

I would love to know how you got on since August.

Welsh girl x

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Hi, I’m 34 and was diagnosed on 24th September 2010 and some of the feelings expressed are similar to my own. However, I strangely never felt angry. I wonder sometimes about that.
My diagnosis was Stage II Invasive Ductal Carcinoma 25mm diameter. I had partial mastectomy of my right breast on 29th Sept with a reduction on the left at the same time. I started 6 x FEC Chemo on 28th October, due to complete on 9th March.
My main feeling was relief that I wasn’t imagining the tiredness and complete exhaustion I was feeling for months. I was also relieved that it had happened to me and not my sisters or mum. I’m a single, very independant girl and I’ve moved in with my mum and dad to recover. (I haven’t lived at home since I was 18 and went to Uni)
From time to time I get frustrated with the tiredness after chemo, but this whole thing has all changed me for the better. My confidence has weirdly soared - has anyone else experienced that??
R