Moving House

Well, possibly.

Me and OH have been planning on selling our two houses (he lives with me, but needs to sell his) and get a house that is ‘ours’ for a while. BC and not being able to try for a family has meant we want to concentrate on the house thing for the next couple of years.

I stupidly sent my parents a link to a house I really like locally, which is slightly out of our range… they have said they will help us get it. I suppose I sent it knowing that they might do that, and now I feel partly guilty, partly grateful. They can well afford it - they own 5 properties as it is (main home, holiday home in Devon, holiday home in Mallorca and two rental properties)- and go on 4-5 holidays a year, often to places like New Zealand/Aus, Canada and various cruises. Apart from that, they don’t live extravagant lifestyles. I am hoping they have a good 20 years left on this planet (they are 64 and 65) so inheritance is a way off yet, but one day my brother and I will get a fair bit coming our way.

However, I am quite proud, so I don’t like accepting their handouts and like to earn my own way and only buy what I can afford.

I can’t work out whether they are helping me because we all have, in the back of our mind, that my life might be shortened by BC so I should enjoy the things I want while I can. My mum also had BC, but it wasn’t as agressive or at such a young age as me.

I also can’t help but think about what my OH would do if I do die sooner rather than later. I’m one year past diagnosis, got my first annual mammogram next week, but I know that with my diagnosis the chances of recurrence are higher than many.

I think all these things, but on the other hand we are planning our future, hoping to be able to try for children again in 18 months, so I am continuing to live my life. But I suppose it just brings thoughts of our mortality to the surface a bit more.

Not sure what response I want, just needed a place to write and think about this stuff.

Hi Flora

I can understand your dilemma and the complex emotions it triggers - my parents are a bit similar although slightly older, getting to the age when they want to pass everything on, and I often have to waive cheques away. I particularly don’t like them giving my children handouts. Having said that, people love to be able to help others, and I can imagine your parents have had a terrible time knowing what you have gone through, probably feeling quite helpless, and this would be a lovely way for them to be able to do something meaningful for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

finty xx

Hi flora.

I can’t get to sleep hence late post! I think you should see a solicitor for advice, and your mum and dad should too if they haven’t already. Breast cancer aside, it makes sense to gift your assets during your lifetime as they escape inheritance tax if they are done far enough away from the time of your parents death. If they have five properties then iht will be potentially significant and certainly reduce the amount left to you and your brother. Perhaps they are thinking this already and it is nothing to do with your breast cancer?

They could buy a stake in your house as tenants in common If you really do want thd house but feel you can’t accept the money, but that leaves the same iht problems and would complicate it as it’s your home. Also nursing home fees etc could be claimed if they ever needed it which again could be worrying as it would affect your home security again.

As you want to try for children too, it makes sense to protect their inheritance too by discussing tax efficient methods of cascading the money between generations.

These are all practical considerations. Emotionally, I think you deserve happiness and if this house makes you happy then go for it. Also your parents would probably gain happiness for at last feeling they could do something positive to help you after feeling helpless when you were going through such a tough time. Win win situation if you can get over the pride issue!

Good luck


I think you are right Finty. This is something they can do to help. They offered us a holiday, anywhere we wanted, but to be honest we’re not all that fussed and can’t agree between us where we would like to go! We’re happiest taking a tent and a car and travelling europe!

They seemed thrilled when I asked them to take me to my 2nd re-loading dose of herceptin in 3 weeks time. OH has run out of holiday and is straining the goodwill of his manager, and I ought not drive myself just in case I do have a reaction, however unlikely that is.

Oh Vickie, you have brought tears to my eyes. Didn’t quite realise how emotional this is making me feel.

There are lots of practical reasons for it. They were told by their financial advisor that the best way of avoiding IHT is to spend their money! So they want to spend it on someone they love and on something that is wanted. I know, I do need to get past my pride. Everyone tells me so…

My dad gave me a financial contribution a few years ago and I and his grandchildren have a nicer house as a result. I believe that in situations such as these the most important thing is to remember ‘what goes around comes around.’ I have pledged to myself to try and do the same for my children. (I’m saving already!) When the time comes if I can possibly help them I will be very glad to do so and hope they accept.

Hi Flora

Speaking as a parent of a similar age to your parents it’s nice to see your children enjoying some of what will eventually be theirs and having a better life.

I offered to help my son and daughter in law this week and I’m so pleased that they have accepted my offer. They are having a rough time at the moment and I’m so pleased to be able to help them when they need it. When they inherit I’m sure the money will be appreciated and wisely used but the need may not be as great as now and I won’t be here to see it.

It’s me with BC but it’s nothing to do with that I love them to bits and want them to be happy. It’s part of what being a parent is about.

It will give your parents so much pleasure to see you enjoying your inheritance a little early. Don’t deny them that joy.

Love to you

Jan xx

My mum did this for me, when I bought my first house, for the same reasons as Jan’s mum. She was so pleased to see me in my own house - she’d never been able to buy one herself, because my dad was war-disabled and couldn’t have got a mortgage. She died three years later, so I was glad that she’d had that pleasure.
Sometimes there’s such a thing as being too proud and independent.

Thank you all. I am starting to feel ok about it. My current dilemma is now what to offer for the property as my parents reckon it is worth £50k less than the asking, but the estate agent has said that kind of offer won’t be accepted so not worth passing on. We do really want it. But I’m spending someone elses money so it feels horrid! My normal boundary of “we simply can’t afford it” doesn’t apply! So I have to think, if it was my money, would I spend it on this… I probably would…

Aahh but it’s always good in negotiations to have someone else to blame for your stance ! “my parents are already helping us out to even offer this much…” etc etc, then if it’s refused you can always have persuaded your parents to just up it a bit more!

It’s lovely that you have got your energy back to be sorting out the house move/s and purchase and that you are moving forward. Cannot wait to be at that point! Hope your negotiations go well.

The offer has gone in… we know the vendors will not make any decisions until Monday, as they are waiting for a cash buyer to do a 2nd viewing on Sunday and obviously hope that will turn into an offer. There is also already another offer on the table, but obviously we don’t know what that is, and clearly their hand has not been snapped off.

I have offered 3.5% less than the asking, which is more than I think it is worth, but it is a difficult and unusual property to try and value. The house is small and old, but the location, land and outbuildings are fab. We would rather like to get it, but there will be others.

Tors… I’ll tell you this in a whisper… I didn’t really lose my energy all that much through treatment. Everyone keeps asking me if I am back at work yet. I never stopped! (just took a few days off).

Good luck, Flora. We moved house last year - right through treatment we were having the place done up, putting it on the market, looking for a new property (200 miles away!) and going through all the legal stuff. I found it was quite good for me, although very tiring, as it helped take my mind off the cancer, gave me something to focus on. We moved a couple of weeks after I finished treatment - we’ve been here a year now, and I’m so glad I didn’t put it off, it’s great!

Flora, house sounds great, good luck with it. God I wish my energy hadn’t done a runner on me! Am mid way thru rads and shattered. Then again my 3 and 5 yr old boys woke us up 8 times last night culminating in The eldest getting in with us and then weeing all over our bed . Would be shattered at the best of times!


Sus, that does sound a lot to do through treatment, but so glad you are happy in your new home.

Vickie, try l-carnitine supplements. I was recommended them to boost energy during rads, and am still on them - I think they are helping me lose a teeny bit of weight too. I take 1000mg a day. Trials are inconclusive but show they don’t cause any harm, so it’s worth a try. I’m firing on all cylinders!

But yes, I think that being woken 8 times during the night would exhaust anyone!