Moving on and feeling guilty!

Life after a breast cancer diagnosis Coping with fear and anxiety
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Hiya! I feel really guilty posting on here as i have been breast cancer free for 9 years now! People expect you to be over it and to have moved on and in most ways i have but in certain situations it hits me all over again!
I was diagnosed at the age of 36, i like to think that’s quite young lol! I was also diagnosed with the BRCA1 gene, had 6 rounds of chemo, 4 weeks of radiotherapy, left side mastectomy and re-construction later followed by right side mastectomy and re-con along with my ovaries removed.
I had been single all through my treatment but had great support from family and friends and i finally felt ready to date again. Met a lovely man, we had been dating for around 3 months, he had gone on a boys weekend and i was due to go on a family holiday but the night before we went i noticed that my scar on left side was open and weeping, i phoned my GP who told me to put a plaster on it! I was taken ill and admitted to hospital, the next thing i know it’s 4 days later, i’ve been in a coma and everyone was told to prepare for the worst, as they weren’t sure what was wrong with me they had taken me to surgery and removed the implant as an emergency so waking up i only had one breast, a big in my chest and a big nipple as they left it incase i wanted further surgery, was advised not have another implant and was seen at plastics to see what they could offer. I decided to stick to a prosthesis as i couldn’t face more surgery. Fast forward and life goes on, i needed a lot of help and counselling to get over it but i got there. My lovely partner proposed, life was good and we were due to get married in May 21, 2 weeks before the wedding i woke up to find the same thing had happened on my right side scar, had to have the implant removed and was advised to never have them again.

I work full time, have a lovely life and when i’m in my little bubble i’m fine with my body but when we go on holiday is when it really hits home, does anyone else struggle with being poolside in a swimming costume after a double mastectomy?? I should probably mention that my chest isnt even, i have the dip on the left sight which means bra’s and swimwear don’t sit well. I don’t want to stop doing the things i love so any tips or help would be greatly appreciated.

It’s a strange thing because i know how incredibly lucky i am to be here and i feel guilty feeling this way after so many years!

Thanks for reading xx

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I can’t give you any advice re the swimwear but just wanted to say don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way that you do as some of the events you are describing are incredibly traumatic and you have done so well to get through them . People may expect you to have moved on but many people don’t understand because they haven’t been there themselves and it’s hard when you are constantly faced with a visible reminder . I don’t know if you’ve considered counselling at all but it might help you.

I’m sure you aren’t the only one who struggles with this problem - personally I’m not body confident at all anyway . Someone will be along who has found something that helps them and may help you. Xx

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Aww thank you for the reply, i wasn’t expecting anything and i felt better for writing it all down!
I have had counselling and it’s helped massively, i would recommend to anyone. I would say 90% of the time i feel fine, happy and very lucky. It’s that 10% on holiday that takes over my head/life and stops me from enjoying something that used to be my favorite time. I guess the easiest thing to do is stop going on a beach holiday but i’m stubborn and i don’t want to lol!!

Hope you are well and thanks for getting in touch. Xx

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As Joanne said please don’t beat yourself up and please come on here and scream, moan, laugh, cry, celebrate - I promise we’ve all done most of those things. My treatment quite straightforward but at times I still go to that what if place and can get myself into a state, we are all our own worst enemies. I’m sure someone will be able to help you regarding swim wear but also talk to Jo who runs the PrelovedReloved charity. You’ll find her on Instagram and if she hasn’t got any ideas for you she’ll find someone who does know. She goes under the name tit_less_wonder and she had a double mastectomy six years ago and elected to stay flat. Meanwhile be proud of yourself, what you have come through shows what a beautiful strong person you are. Xx

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@nannabee thank you so much for your lovely reply. Think you hit the nail on the head, sometimes i just want to have a rant, have a breakdown and get back on with life :rofl:.
How are you? Hope you’re well.
I’m about to go on Instagram and find Jo :grinning: xx