Hi Ladies
Im a daily reader of this forum but dont usually post.
Today i think i just need to air my worries.
A bit of background age 37 mastectomy and node clearance May 07, grade 3 7/18 nodes positive, ER pos, Her2 pos. Had chemo 4EC & 4 Taxotere had rads now on herceptin and tamoxifen.
Last Wednesday while having herceptin i mentioned a pain in my lower back to the Onc, on examining me he decided i needed a scan, got a call from hospital saying Onc wanted it immediately so had scan went back yesterday for results to be told scan clear but not scanned correct bit of back, Onc examined me again and said still not happy wants another scan doing, so going in the morning at 9am for MRI scan. I am very lucky to have private health cover through my job so things do move quickly but the urgency of these referrals have sent my mind into turmoil.
My OH is brilliant but he says not to worry until we know there is something to worry about (easily said then done).
I havnt slept since the scan was suggested and tonight i feel i have gone right back to the day of original dx, when i was just filled with fear.
I have to try and carry on as normal as have 2 girls 8 &12 but unfortunatly my worrying is causing me to be really short tempered with them which i immediately regret because i then think if anything happens to me they will only rememeber a grumpy mum, Sorry to babble but knowone close seems to want to hear my fears or know how absolutly terrified I really am…
Thanks for listening ladies
Rachie
Hi Rachie
It sounds a bit like my position at the moment. I was diagnosed in June 07 - grade 3 lots of lymph involvment (20+) had surgery and then 6 TAC, then 30 radio (phew). I now have a lower back pain - feels like a period pain but no period.
I am meeting with Onc on Tues to sign consent forms for Herceptin. I am going to ask for a scan. It is so scary. I think everyone around me thinks the cancer is in the past, but I know that it is still filling my waking moments.
Like you I am 37, with kids (boys 11 and 8).
My fear is for them - I can handle the pain or whatever, it is the thought of leaving my beautiful boys and my lovely husband that scares my witless.
I had awful dizzy spells in Dec. and had a brain MRI and thank goodness it was clear.
Good luck.
MuddyXX
Hi Muddy
Thanks for replying, had scan this morning so waiting for Onc to give me a ring.
My husband thinks I need councelling as like you its constantly on my mind, and I am struggling to move on with life, i know he is worried too but he feels the scan will be fine and then i should just move on and try get our old life back, but i fear this may never happen. My Onc has told me with all the treatment ive had my prognosis is quite good, but like you its the thought of not seeing my children grow up that scares me the most.
Thanks again for replying
Rachie
Hi,
I just read your postings and I don’t generally post in this section as I have secondaries and always worry about scaring people but my heart went out to you because I think you can never get your old life back after diagnosis because breast cancer changes you in so many ways.
I think all of us who have our primary cancer supposedly behind us live in fear of a recurrance whether it lurks at the back of your mind or near the front. I felt physically sick when I was sent for a bone scan last October so know what you are going through. Sadly my primary diagnosis came before I could have chilodren so can only imagine the pain of looking at your beautiful children and feeling scared that you will not be part of their future.
I was unlucky in that my cancer has recurred and whilst I am scared for a lot of the time I am also amazed by the amount of treatment that is available and through these forums, the amount of women living with a secondary diagnosis.
I probably haven’t helped much but just wanted to reply to you and wish you the very very best.
Angee xx
Hi Rachie
Just read your post and want to send you my heartfelt wishes for a good MRI result. Whatever the result I am sure there will be many posts sending you support and love. I so well know how you feel when you look at your little ones and worry for their future - I was terrified for my son at dx and then again last summer when I had to have the bone scan.
Don’t beat yourself up about ‘not being able to move on’ - it is very early days for you and now you have had more thrown at you. I am finding it difficult to ‘move on’ ( a term which I feel goes in the same ’ bin ’ as ‘be positive’ !) 2yrs since dx. It’s only recently I’m coming to realise that life will never be the same as before - it will be different - and I struggle with OH and ‘friends’ who think you can just pick up your old life, Guess unless they have been in our shoes they can’t really know how terrifying it all is .
I haven’t posted much on here but I have found comfort and support when I most needed it - hope it helps to know there is someone who understands
Seren X
Hi Seren & Angeei
My Onc phoned this evening and my MRI is clear its such a huge relief he thinks the aches and pains are just the results of all the treatment, thankyou both for your kind words and support.
My OH belives i should now move on and be positive( 2 phrases we all love!!) I will try but while still going to hospital regularly its hard, my OH has been fantastic and i couldnt have asked for better support(we only married 10 days before dx) but as you both know its only you ladies on these forums that can truely understand how we feel.
I keep trying to step back from the forums but its the only place i can go to feel that i am not some kind of nut case, and that the way i feel is normal for the situation we are in.
It really does help to know someone understand, Thankyou.
Rachie
Hi Rachie
So glad the MRI is clear. Give yourself time and hang in there - you and hubby have obviously had a rubbish start to married life with your dx following hot on heels of wedding, but it’s obvious from your posts that he is a great guy and I wish you a much happier and healthier future together.
Whilst you are still attending hosp. I would guess it would be exceptional if you could move on, but I hope with time you will discover that the adjustments we have to make following dx are sometimes the catalyst for change, which can bring joy in many areas we could not have envisaged before the experience of breast cancer.
Take care
Seren X
Hi Rachie,
I am so absolutely delighted for you that your MRI is clear. I think there will always be a fear but in my experience it did get more dilluted as time passed and infact I got the shock of my life with my secondary diagnosis came because I was so busy ‘being positive’. Oh the irony…
And remember that you can be positive but still feel scared from time to time. Only those of us who have been in this dark place I think understand and the lovely partners that have been there with us every step of the way.
I wish you and your husband all the best for the rest of your life together and wish there were enough words to convey the big smile I still have on my face from reading your news.
Angee xxxxx
Hi there girls,
i have just been to my GP complaining of back pain. Its located only on my left and where the kidneys lay. I wake up each morning feeling like i have been used as a punch bag. The GP is sending me for an x-ray tomorrow. Is this sounding familiar to anyone or am i now starting to worry myself silly?
Denise