Mum just diagnosed

My mum was diagnosed last week with breast cancer and today has been told that it is stage 3 and they have to do another mammogram and biopsy before they can give us more info. They said it’s most likely to be chemo and surgery but not sure what surgery just yet. I am her main support and am trying to be strong for her and take in all the info but I am just really struggling. I feel guilty for being sad as she is the one going through it all. I shouldn’t be the one who is struggling. 

I don’t really know what I’m expecting anyone to say, I guess a little support or something…but she needs the support and not me. I just don’t know.

Hi pickle88 and welcome to the BCC forums, I am sorry to read that you are having such a worrying time at the moment

Whilst you await replies please feel free to call our helpliners, they are on hand for you and your Mum with practical and emotional support on 0808 800 6000, lines are open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 10-2

Take care
Lucy BCC

Hi pickle88,I have just read your post and I really feel for daughter was exactly like yourself,feeling guilty for being sad.why shouldn’t you feel like this,she is your will be strong for her,once you both get more information and what surgery is involved thing’s do get a little easier.I have been on the forum since I was diagnosed,and it’s helped me  with .all my worries.if you ever feel you need support this is the place to be and for your mum.take care x


Hi Pickle88,

I have just joined the forum as a newbie too. My Mum was diagnosed last year and I was in a similar situation to yourself and used to come onto this forum but just simply read all the posts for advice and comfort. It is a very difficult time when a close relative has been diagnosed and I completely appreciate that feeling. For me my world kind of slowed down and you worry what can you do to help. I have concluded that for me and my mum she appreciated me ’ just being there’ and offering very practical support like offering to make a meal or tidy the house if she is lacking energy. I live 2 hours away so it is not always possible to be close by and sometimes that makes me feel guilty but even a phone call can be very reassuring. There is a roller coaster of emotions that both you and the relative go through, but I found strength in the fact that the medical team know exactly what they’re doing, they don’t always explain it to the best of their abilities but that is another place you can offer support by researching info or going to appointments with your Mum. I don’t know if my ramblings have helped at all, but please know there are other people out there in a similar situation and it is possible to go on this journey and even enjoy parts of it along the way. My mum certainly began to do things she had never even dreamed of before and has made loads of new and close friends. All the very best to you both xx

Hi my mum was also diagnosed recently and I know exactly how you feel, I am devistated but feel selfish for feeling like I need support , I see this as a journey we have to be positive xx


While my mums initial diagnosis was over 14 yrs ago, she has only recently been diagnoised with secondary breast cancer, and I too am struggling to cope. I have cried a couple of times in front of her, but the second time I did she ended up apologising to me (for what she felt she was putting me through), which made me feel awful. In addition, before we got her diagnosis, I tried to go to a couple of GP appointments with her (she’s been in pain since the Spring) and she ended up getting really angry with me so I’ve very much distanced myself from the treatment side of things. However, what I have been trying to do is offer practical support: cleaning out the fridge, reorganising her wardrober etc so Damson31 thank you so much for your words: really helps to know that even if I am just doing that I am able to offer some sort of support.

Hope you are ok Pickle 88.
Hi ABtrains I’m very sorry to hear you and your mum are having a difficult time, I have just had a similar situation with mine. It’s lovely that you offered to go with your Mum to the appt and I’m sure she didn’t mean to get angry. My mum has been very up and down this year and at times she has shouted at me even in the
Middle of helping her. I’ve only just realised this last month that she was scared and also angry at her diagnosis. I used to see her being really nice to her friends but not to me even though I was trying my best. I think that if you can’t shout at your nearest and dearest
Who can you shout at!? I think if you keep being there for your mum she will really appreciate the support. I’m closer to my mum now through our journey but at times I’ve also felt really guilty which seems to be a common theme amongst the family and carers. I really hope things go well for you both xx