Mum refusing cancer treatment

Friends and family Supporting someone with breast cancer
1

Hi everyone

 

Looking for some advice - I apologise now for the long post!. My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of weeks ago. She has grade 2 ductile cancer and it has spread to her lymph nodes. The doctor has recommended a lumpectomy and full removal of lymph nodes close to that breast. This is to be followed by six rounds of chemo and then radiotherapy. All in all the best part of a year of arduous treatment however the doctor is confident that this will cure the cancer and give her more years to enjoy. She is 67. 

 

The problem is that she has decided to refuse all treatment. She has said she feels she’s getting older, has a few (in my mind minor) ailments and her body is wearing out. She would rather enjoy the time she has left than go through surgery and chemo which might not work. I guess my problem with this decision is that she doesn’t have terminal cancer and the doctors are confident that with the treatment outlined above she can be cured/in remission. I can’t understand why she won’t at least try treatment. 

 

I believe my mum is depressed and this is affecting her decision making. She also lives on her own and is worried about she will cope with chemo even though I have already invited her to come and stay with us whilst she has the treatment. She has a new granddaughter who turned one this week and we had planned that my mum would look after her for two days a week when I went back to work. Even with this she is still adamant she won’t have any treatment. 

 

Is is there anything I can do? Has anyone experienced the same problem?  I don’t want to fight with her at a time like this and she is incredibly stubborn but I’m angry that she won’t at least try to live in order to have a relationship with her granddaughter. I feel she’s just given up and is making a decision now that she may come to regret when it’s too late and the cancer has advanced. At the same time I want to be supportive so feeling hugely conflicted. 

 

2

Hi,

I would try speaking with those on the helpline . They can signpost you to services that may help support your Mum and you as you each adjust to this news. Your Mum may fear becoming a burden - and think this is the easier option. Good luck whatever decisions are made x

3

Wow, I have also been diagnosed with grade 2 cancer, no symptoms, just routine 3 yr screening. Im younger than your lovely mum I’m 58. I also have 4 children and 5 granchildren. I too am going through options of cancer treatment. I’m known in my family as international rescue HQ, and thats what I do, I work full time have a mother with Altzimers and I sort support and rescue my amazing family and their day to day problems. I have never been ill in my life (lucky eah)? The thought of becoming ill terrifies me, the thought of becoming dependent on the family that relies on me to sort or advise and makes it OK, is well, you can’t get your head around it.  I was told I was lucky!!! We can treat this, you can have surgery, radiation, chemo? well maybe depending on Lymph nodes. Youv’e got to take medication for 5 years, it makes you fat, miserable, you lose your hair, you get hot flushes (what again???) makes you have joint pains, raises your cholestrol, great I have high cholestrol anyway it runs in the family),so you cure the cancer I get a heart attack!!! It depletes your bone density, blah blah blah, oh and at the end of it all, at the end of all the above, you have a higher chance of after all this it may RETURN. I thought sod this, I’m not going though all this, I’m going to live my life and put up with it, I will take my chance with it. That was two months ago, my name on this site is BlossomHill, why? because of all the wine I’ve consummed since my diagnosis on 25th November, I still havent had any surgery. However my lovely family like you horrified at my decision,told me to not even go there, I felt I had a responsibility to them to at least fight it to give it a go, that  together with the humbling stories I read on here of women who were facing far more than me, at a far younger age. I felt if they could do it, I was wasting my chance of giving it a go, and that  I would be letting them all down. I understand your mums thoughts to preserve her life as she knows it, to not become ill, to continue her life as an independent person, I understand why she has thought." I will take my chances", however this wonderful charity has a service called, SOMEONE LIKE ME, the hospital told me to contact this amazing organization and ask for this service, I have been put in touch with two ladies who have gone through this experience both with 3 years plus clear results behind them, one in her 50’s one late 60’s with very very agressive cancer, both ladies recovered. Perhaps this service may give your mum the confidence to give it a go, to realise that she may win the battle, and that to not try would be a waste of a life that others strive to preserve at any cost. So I await my date for double mastectomy, well I thought if I’m going to do this I’m giving it the best chance it wont return, but thats whats right for me, and hard as it is for you to stand and watch it has to be right and your mums decision for her. If your mum decides to do nothing, please ask her to ring and ask for the service Someone like Me .One day I hope to repay the service I’ve been given and become a part of this amazing support network and enable somebody else to get through this life curve. We can’t always maintain a positive attitude sometimes the cure is more frightening than the disease. I wish you both whatever it takes to get you through.

BlossomHill XX

4

Hi Greyscreen

How are you & your mum doing, it’s been 6 month since you posted.

Best wishes

Janice