Mum
Mum I lost my mum in August, she was diagnosed the same time last year with advanced breast cancer. Im not so good at talking about it but i feel so awful at times i thot id try this.
The first month or so i tried to keep myself occupied, made myself go out with friends, but im just so exhausted and i miss her so much, i didnt know i could ever feel so bad, more and more i feel really self concious around people and feel so awkward.
I find it hard to think about mum before the illness, i cant remember what her voice was like.
Mum always put everyone else before herself and stayed so positve even though the chemo and radiotherapy made her so sick, but one thing is she never asked or wanted to know anything more than she needed to about her condition, i totally respected that i understand that she found it easier to fight if she didnt know the full extent of the illness, and she lived far longer than her dr had expected. But i still feels so cheated, we needed more time, it feels like one minute she was fine and then shes gone.
I just have no idea how to go on now shes gone we were very close and was my best friend, i cant bare the thot of living without her. But i wish more than anything i could remember her before she got ill, noone told us how bad the end would be and i have trouble sleeping at nite because i keep seeing everything all over again.
tiny.xx
For tinystuff2 Hi there,
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, please feel free to contact our free phone helpline on 0808 800 6000 if you would like to talk to someone in confidence about how you are feeling at the moment.
Everyone on our helpline either has experience of breast cancer or is a breast care nurse.
The team comes from a variety of backgrounds, so callers get to talk to someone who has an understanding of the issues they’re facing.
The team is able to talk about both technical and emotional issues surrounding breast cancer and breast health.
Kind regards
Forum Host
tiny you’ve had such a bad time that you’ve got stuck in the misery groove.
You need changes to lever you back into everyday life.
Friends, hobbies, taking an education course, voluntary work, a pet- anything that displaces your unhappiness would help you.
Some people when they’ve had a traumatic loss take up its good cause- in your case joining Cancer Research,career nursing [met a trainee nurse who had lost boyfriend aged 26 to cancer and worked it out this way via specialising in ca care] etc worth thinking about.
And talking about it to family who shared your experience helps to get it out of the system, also to people who have vivid memories of your Mum before she got ill could reinstate your picture of her.
Wish I could help you more- dilly
Its a short time Hi tiny
Its a very short time since your mum died and I’m not surprised you are finding it hard. Cancer is a horrible illness and I think to watch your mum die an unpleasant death in such a short time must have been horribly traumatic. I don’t think there are any easy remedies but I reckon you probably have a good deal more grieving to do before you can begin to feel better.
Sometimes counselling can help…the opportunity to talk and talk to someone else about how you’re feeling…someone who isn’t going to make judgments or prescriptive suggsetions about what you should do. A good counsellor will also help yu remember and value the mum you knew before her illness. Your GP should be able to recommend someone. Thre are also many organisations which specialise in bereavement counselling.
3 months is a very short time and also I think this ime of year with all the build up to the annual Xmas razzmatazz can be a hard time to cope with the loss of someone close.
very best wishes
Jane
I am the same Hi Tiny
My situation sounds very similar to yours - my mum also died in August and she was also diagnosed with secondaries in the lung in the august of the previous year.
I also have trouble remembering my mum before the illness, and my memories of her at the moment are taken up with her last few days in the hospital. Its strange what you said about not remembering your mums voice as well, I cant either, I try but just cant get it. If I think about her long enough I can hear her saying things, but then I just get really upset.
I think about my mum all the time, and as you feel very cheated that she was taken from me so early. She was only 55. She faught so hard against her illness and was always upbeat to myself, my Dad and my sisters. She didnt deserve that to happen to her.
My life since she has been gone has been awful. The day before she went into hospital I found out that I was pregnant, and it has been the worst time of my life going through it without my lovely mum. I still cry a lot, but it is getting less, and sometimes happier memories come into my mind - I hope that soon my main memories will be of my mum before she was poorly.
Have you considered going to see a counsellor? I have decided that it isnt for me but that may give you some comfort. I am not sure how you feel about books on coping with grief but I ordered some from Amazon, one called motherless daughters (cant remember who its by) and one called on grief and grieving by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. They have really helped me, and showed me that there are other people in the same situation, and they eventually manage to get through it.
At the moment, there doesnt seem any point to life without my mum but I am sure that we will begin to feel better, it just takes time. I dont feel that I am getting any stronger, but my husband says that I am, and that if I think how I was a month ago there is an improvement. I think he is probably right. My mum was always strong and brave, and I am hoping that I am going to be the same. Everything I do reminds me of my mum, but I try and think that nothing I am going to have to go through now will ever be as bad as loosing her and going to the funeral etc, and that keeps me going. I am also finding that the anticipation of events without my mum is actually worse than the actual event., although I am boycotting christmas as my mum was really over the top and began to listen to christmas music in October. I dont like the festivities or the christmas music at all and that is always upsetting.
Anyway, please keep in touch. Have you looked on the macmillian cancer website? There are discussion boards in there and there are many people who have recently lost their mums, their experiences may bring some comfort.
Love from Joanne x
thankyou HI Joanne
Thankyou for ur reply, it has really helped i probably should have done this alot sooner but i think its finding the right words nothing i say seems to come out right.
I feel very much the same about christmas as yourself, its going to be so strange without her. Its the times when u forget then realise again whats happened,it all seems totally unreal.
Mum lost my uncle and grandad to lung cancer, my gran is still here still going strong at 94, shes taken it so hard i visit her as often as i can, i find it easier to comfort others really than to cope with how i feel. Ill have a look at some of the books you suggested its very much appreciated.
I think im especially frustrated because i just finished university not long before she died so i dont have a job yet, if i had something i could throw myself into i wouldnt have as much time just to think about it.
i moved away to go to univeristy and i feel guilty sometimes that i left, that maybe things would have been different if i stayed, i know theres no sence in that. When we found out i said id leave but she would have none of it, i got a roasting for suggesting it!!!
But im glad i did finish because it made her really happy. just feels strange now because i cant go home anymore because shes gone, i miss phoning to see how she is. My partner says we will remember her voice when were not thinking about it, that im just thinking to hard about it.
Thankyou again for your reply and i wish you all the best with the new arrival.
Take care, love Tiny.xx
thanks Thanks for all ur kind replys, Im going to try my best to keep my chin up.
love tiny.xxx
Life without mum Hi Tiny & Joanne
My mum died in Sept and I completely understand what you are feeling. Today it is 3 years since we found out she had breast cancer and my life hasnt been the same since.
I have surprised my self with how well I have “seemed” to cope but having a family and working does keep me busy. I have many moments during the day when I think of her and it amazes me at how many things remind me of her. At this time of year it is even more so as we did most of our christmas preparations together. I talk to her all the time and feel that she is watching over me.
It seems so unfair that it those of us who are so close to our mum that have to go through this cruel time, when I hear people moan about their mums I just want to say that I would love to have just 1 more moment with my mum and that they should make the most of every precious moment they have.
I have decided to celebrate Christmas in full swing as this is what she would have wanted.
I try not to think about her while she was ill and try to block the last few days of her life out as it is too painful. I have looked at old photos and thought back to holidays and past christmas’ after all it was just 3 years of her life there were many more happier years that I must think of and I urge you to do the same. At the moment you are probably still traumatised by her illness and you are right in saying that nothing is worse that her dying - in that respect my stress levels have reduced as I was constantly in fear of what would happen to her next and what other symptoms she would suffer with.
Love and best wishes to you and please enjoy your christmas by thinking of your mums watching over you and sending you love.
Sharonx
Hi Sharon Hiya
I remember your mum, you used to post on her behalf didnt you? She popped on now and then as well didnt she?
I totally agree with you about the worry side of the illness, now that mum has gone the constant worry of what is going to happen to her next has gone, and from that perspective things are better now for me.
You sound as though you cope in a similar way to me - we just have to plod on and hope that things are going to improve. I remember your mum was much the same as mine, wanted nothing more than to stay with her family and wanted to take any treatment she could. They were brave and we can be too - and I like to think that they are watching over us and are proud of how well we are coping.
Anyway, its really nice to hear from you and that you are as ok as can be in the circumstances. I pop on here quite regularly so maybe we can all keep in touch and help eachother. None of my friends have lost their mums and I find it hard to talk to them, so I tend to say more here.
Tiny I hope you are having a good day too.
Love Joanne x