Mum's Mental State

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I wonder if anybody has some advice about this. My elderly Mum has secondary bc, diagnosed about 18 months ago. The whole family has rallied around to support her, with the main support being from my Dad.

My sister & I have just spent the weekend with them & had the most awful time. It was all going OK until we pleaded my Dad’s cause to ask her to invite his nephew over to lunch & Mum went ape.

The results of us trying to gently suggest she asks the nephew over led to tears, recriminations, tales of snubs in the past from her in-laws, followed by “I’m ill & you expect me to be standing in the kitchen, cooking”. After this blowup, she sent my sister & I to Coventry, wouldn’t even sit in the same room as us & is hardly speaking to Dad. When we left last night, she barely even acknowledged us, never mind saying goodbye, even though the weather was bad & we had a long drive ahead.

Dad says she has been very difficult these past few weeks, dredging up incidents between them from the past & throwing them in his face with a lot of very hurtful comments. It is driving a huge wedge between them & it’s just destroying us. We have the stress of her being ill in the first place & now we don’t know what to do right for doing wrong.

Mum has always been very stubborn & will argue black is white, even if her logic borders on the absurd, & there is absolutely no reasoning with her once she’s made her mind up about something but I haven’t seen anything like this before.

I know it’s the stress & strain of having bc that has brought this on but it feels like she has been brooding about the past over these last few months but has chosen to remember only the bad things, not the good. Although she is the one who is ill, she doesn’t seem to be giving any consideration to the idea that the family is under strain with the situation too.

I know my parents would never consider talking to somebody like a counsellor but I don’t know what else we can do, especially if she’s now decided that her (close, we thought) family, is all against her. I don’t even know if she’ll speak to us on the phone but I’m guessing not.

Help!!

Psyche

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It’s sometimes hard for people in the family as they have to watch the person they care for battle in the best way they can.

I have had a similar tendency to go for my nearest and dearest. My perspective doesn’t seem to be the same as theirs is, although I haven’t been diagnosed with secondary cancer. I’ve become more selfish and I don’t really care what they think.

Your mother may need to express her anger and it may be nothing to do with you but just her way of dealing with the feelings she has.

She doesn’t have to see anyone if she doesn’t want to. Maybe she should think about what she does want to do. Even if you have a limited time left there’s some things you may enjoy. Counselling isn’t for everybody, maybe she has some friends outside the family she could confide in - if she wants to.

Cancer sometimes makes you feel a lot of beliefs you had need to be reevaluated, it’s quite a crisis but has to be seen through by the person themselves.

Mole

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Hi Mole,

Thanks for your post. What you say about not wanting to see certain people made sense. I don’t know why she just didn’t say that instead going off on one though, let alone making us feel like villains for suggesting it.

Mum’s bc shows minimal progression, which is good news but it doesn’t seem to have improved her mental outlook. She seems to have cast herself in the role of “Victim”, not only of bc but of everybody & everything else too.

She shows no interest in doing anything at all, except sitting & either sleeping, reading or watching TV. Before her diagnosis, she was always on the go round the house & garden (she’s always been a “busy” person). If she goes anywhere outside the house, it’s because somebody has had to sweet talk or coax her out. Of course, the more she sits, the more she broods, apparently.

I don’t think we are such a terrible family - quite the opposite, I thought. We were just trying to help our Dad out a bit. It’s very upsetting.

Psyche.

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Hi Psyche,

I haven’t any personal experience of secondary BC (thank god) but really feel for you and your whole family. Your Mom sounds quite similar to mine …and mine isn’t suffering from any physical illness! I’ve often suffered the silent treatment from my mother. She is a very hard person for me to like sometimes as she often throws some silly little thing from 30 years ago back in my face but I still love her and try to be there for her. If your mom has always seen things in black and white and been what sounds like a forceful character anyway then you can’t expect that to change now.

It does sound like your Mom is just plain angry, and perhaps understandably, at the unfairness of having Breast Cancer. She may feel she has no control over her body and her life and perhaps she is just trying to get back a little control over something. If she has always been a busy person she may feel too tired to do all the things she used to and she may be angry with herself too.
From these forums it seems that some people do decide they thay are going to say what they want to or do what they want to with the time they have left…and again, who can blame them?

If she doesn’t want to invite the nephew round then it may be more to do with her not being capable of standing and cooking and maybe that is her way of telling you she hasn’t got the energy to cook any more. Maybe she hasn’t got the mental energy to have to sit and talk to the nephew and just doesn’t want to be polite and friendly when she is so angry at her disease?

I would cut her some slack and just be as supportive as you can to her. Tell her you love her and just be there for her. Open your heart up to her and see if she will respond in kind. It might be that she is holding so much emotion in because she feels she has to be brave in front of you girls and your dad or she may just be very, very frightened of what is happening to her.

Best wishes to you all.

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Hi SuzanneP,

Thanks for your understanding. It has been a relief to be able to offload this.

You’re right about Mum feeling she’s not up to standing up & cooking big meals. We were trying to suggest alternative meals that wouldn’t be so tiring for her to make but she evidently felt as though she was being manipulated into doing something she didn’t actually want to do at all.

I don’t know how long she intends to freeze us out. I intend to phone every night, as I have done since her diagnosis. I’m dreading her refusing to talk to me at all though or just saying “yes” & “no” if she is the one who answers the phone. I haven’t been in this position with her since I was a teenager & she used to throw sulks like this quite a lot when I tried to assert my newly-found teenage confidence. I think the longest lasted about a fortnight. I’d forgotten how awful it was - & how destructive.

Oh dear, as if things weren’t difficult enough already.

Thanks again.

Psyche

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Hi
I can get a bit snappy when my cancer is on the move it seems to drag me down and make me short tempered, lack of energy, fear of leaving loved ones there are so many things that go on in my mind. Yes I can throw things up from 13 years ago quite out of the blue. I also have less tolerance of my in laws so I can understand where your mum is coming from. I am sure she has felt pretty rotten since you left so just ring and chat normally. Fingers crossed she will just be glad you got safely home.
Love Debsxxx

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Hi Debsincornwall,

Thanks for your post. You’re right - I spoke to Mum this evening. She answered tersely so I did my best to smooth things over & she seemed to unbend & we ended up talking normally. I’m sure I haven’t heard the end of it though as she’ll save it up for when she sees me in person & give me a right rollicking in person.

She told me that she isn’t supposed to have stress in her condition as it might make it worse, which made me feel like a murderer.

Sadly, my poor Dad is still in the doghouse with her & I don’t know what I/we can do to help. They have been married 51 years but sadly had a bit of a rift just weeks before Mum’s diagnosis. Although he has done his best to care for her in every way since, she still hasn’t forgiven him for their fallout & brings it up at every opportunity.

Take care,

Psyche

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Psyche,

Your mom sounds like she is hurting so much and also hurting those around her. What a terrible position you are all in. Even though you and your dad might not be in any way at fault maybe you are going to be the ones who have to make the greatest effort to resolve things.

What do you think is the single most important thing that is causing her to throw past recriminations back at you - is it the rift she had with your dad? If so can’t your dad do something like buy her one of those wordy Blue Mountain cards that express things that we often are unable to say in our own words to try and start getting things back to how they were? Perhaps if she felt genuinely loved and appreciated it might go a long way to helping her feel better.
If your mom and dad had a bad fall out just before her diagnosis then perhaps she thinks that your dad doesn’t really love her and is only still with her now because of it. Your mom needs to feel able to talk very openly about her hopes and fears and she might be finding this impossible and be lashing out at everyone because she is so hurt. She could be very very frightened.

Forgive me if I offend you but they really do need to sort this out now because you do not know how long your mom will be here and it would be terrible if this wasn’t resolved when the inevitable happens. Think of how guilty everyone would feel.

Your mom sounds so much like mine…sometimes it is so difficult to like people even when we love them so much.

At least if you girls and your dad try to get through to her then even if you can’t you will know that you tried your best.

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Hi SuzanneP,

Thanks for your post. No I’m not offended. I think you’re right that we must try to sort this out before it’s too late.

I phoned up this evening & Dad answered, sounding very tired & very upset. He said Mum seemed to have sunk into a depression & had been having a go at him about all sorts of things all day.

He put her on the phone & I got the whole lot thrown at me all over again. I tried to eat humble pie, apologised, told her that we & Dad care for her deeply & all that. She wouldn’t really accept any of it, saying more hurtful things about Dad & saying “at my stage of life & health, you’d think I might be allowed to have some peace but it doesn’t look like it’s going to be that way”.

She then said she wanted to forget all about it & not talk about it any more - then brought it up again 5 minutes later. We had about 5 minutes of fairly amicable chat but I’m starting to think that she’s going to spend every day brooding & making Dad miserable, followed by muckslinging phone calls in the evening.

I wish Dad would make some kind of grand gesture of love & reconciliation to show her how much he cares, because I know he does. I also know that he’s hurting deeply about her nastiness to him. I’ll suggest he does something, if he hasn’t thought of it himself.

It’s all so awful that none of us are sleeping at night & are too depressed during the day to be able to work properly.

Thanks again for your post. It made me feel a bit more inspired.

Take care,

Psyche

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Dear Psyche,

your mum may think that she is entitled not to have any more stress in her life, but life isn’t really like that, especially if you have a diagnosis of incurable cancer. However hard everyone tries, the news is bad and you can’t make it good, no-one can.

The good thing about having stress in your life is that at least you are still alive and sometimes it’s good to be alive even with a terminal diagnosis.

Not that I want to lecture your mother, but being ill doesn’t give you the right to make other people’s lives a complete misery, even if you think it does. I speak as one who has sometimes adopted this philosophy so I can understand why people do it, but it’s still not the best policy.

Mole

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This thread is quite rrelevant to me as my own mother (who does not have breast cancer) can do pretty much the same thing. So I think of your mother is doing this and it is out of character you should pretty much cut her some slack.

I am going to be devils advocate here- I can read that you are obviously a very caring person or you wouldnt be posting here looking for help- but don’t you think it was a tiny bit unreasonable to ask your mum to cook for a relative? fatigue - and I mean really utter utter exhaustion is the most common side effect of cancer and treatment of cancer- and though your mum may look ‘normal’ she almost certainly has this to cope with on top of age.

I think all you can do is treat her normally - try to help with things that might be making life harder for her (cooking cleaning ?) buy her little gifts. go to appointments etc…it the quiet reliable gestures of support that people really appreciate…and the same for your Dad. For me sometimes chewing things over on the phone actually makes it worse.

cathyx

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Psyche,

Maybe your mom could do with a little break away from all of you - not because there is anything wrong with what you girls or your dad are saying or doing - but so that she could have a bit of a change of scenery and time to think without any of you around. Does she have any friends at all? Perhaps she could take a short holiday with a friend or even go alone somewhere - even if it is just going for a weekend to a health spa?

It might help her to get away from her usual routine …and she might even begin to appreciate those around her if she realises what it is like without them.

Or perhaps your dad could come to yours for a few days so that they have a break from each other?

Or, and this is a biggy, maybe, irrespective of her having BC, they should consider living apart from each other if living together is causing insurmountable problems?

Take care and very best wishes

Suze

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When my mum was diagnosed with secondary to bones, she went through a very similar stage. Looking back i realize she was scared and angry. She questioned everyones love. It was hard, particulary when i had to finally call the doctor as her behaviour was so extreme and she would not admit to the doctor how she really felt. Her life was out of control, it took time but it got better. A friend who is in mental health did ask me something which seemed strange at the time but soon made sense. Was she constipated? It is a big cause for odd behaviour. Think of all those toxins in the system. We had not realized but all her treatments had caused serious constipation (she was reluctant to talk about it). We now keep an eye on her behaviour when she say strange things, gets a bit aggrevated we ask if she has been to the toilet. I am not saying this is the sole reason, personally i think she is scared and terrified but it is worth looking at her drugs maybe chatting to gp for advice. One last thing, my dad wrote her a letter on how much he loved her. Not his usual thing but it made the world of difference. Good luck. X

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Psyche, sometimes when we are going through a period of not loving ourself very much, it can be virtually impossible to believe that others love us.

xxxx