Mums of babies, how do you manage?

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I’m a 40 year old Mum to two babies (2 and 6 months), and really worried about how my BC will affect them and my ability to be a good parent to them.

I have a very large tumor (13cm x 11cm) for which I’ve had my first FEC (two more FEC & three Taxotere planned), and so far I’m just a bit wiped out.

Later down the line they’re hoping to do a mastectomy & then six weeks of RT.

How do you keep all the balls in the air!

My husband works hard in his own business so can’t take time off, family are either a good distance away or elderly, and we can’t afford fulltime childcare.

I’d love to hear your tips for coping & managing a family

Love, Rebecca

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Hi Rebecca,

Oh my gosh you have your hands full! I was diagnosed at 43 but my kids are older (6 and 11) so at school - much easier. My husband and i run our own business so the last few months have been a nightmare for him - he has literally worked round the clock. He decided when I was diagnosed that we had to get an au pair which I really didn’t want to do because the house is not really big enough and I didn’t feel I could cope with another person around when I was ill with chemo etc…it has had its ups and downs but I realise that it has also saved my sanity - she has been doing the school run and generally helping with everything from washing to shopping and cooking. It costs £60 per week - but of course you have to feed them and have a room to put them in…My husband’s family are all in France (his parents are dead) and mine our a 4 hour drive away so I can relate to that. I was also lucky in that the school mums really got their act together and did me loads of cooking.

Anyway I hope this helps a bit - but I think it must be much harder in many ways dealing with such young children - or at least the issues are different…

I am new to this site - only found it today - so quite sure how the communication works yet - or if you can send private messages as you can on some of the other bc sites…

Wishing you loads of luck

Mary x

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Hi Rebecca

From another Rebecca!

I was diagnosed when 7 months pregnant with my 2nd daughter, my 1st was 14 months at the time in August 2003. I probably wasn’t the best mum in the world for about a year as physically and mentally I wasn’t up to much but I decided that being so young they wouldn’t remember and since I have recovered I have made a real effort to be the best mum I can. They were exhausting but they did keep me going and being so young I didn’t have to tell them anything. People will want to help you so accept anything that is offered. Your health visitor maybe able to help you with support, round here there is a charity called Home Start where you are paired up with someone that can offer you practical support each week. I found it really hard to ask for help and when people used to say ‘let me know if you need anything’ it wasn’t much use! BCC offer provide a peer support that you might find helpful.

Anyway all the best for your treatment, it does get easier I promise

Becks xx

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Dear Rebecca

There are a couple of Breast Cancer Care’s support services that might be of interest to you. The first is Breast Cancer Care’s telephone support group. It’s a chance to get together once a week to talk with people who’ve been there. Linked together by phone in comfortable surroundings, you can express your feelings and discuss the practical and emotional impact of living with breast cancer. The groups will be particularly useful for you if you feel isolated. The groups are completely free (we pay for the phone calls) and as long as you have access to a phone and have a quiet private place from which to call, you can join us from anywhere in the UK.

There is also Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service. The telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. Our peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding. For more information about both these and our other support services available to you please telephone our helpline on 0808 800 6000 or email: <script type=“text/javascript”>eval(unescape(‘%64%6f%63%75%6d%65%6e%74%2e%77%72%69%74%65%28%27%3c%61%20%68%72%65%66%3d%22%6d%61%69%6c%74%6f%3a%69%6e%66%6f%40%62%72%65%61%73%74%63%61%6e%63%65%72%63%61%72%65%2e%6f%72%67%2e%75%6b%22%3e%69%6e%66%6f%40%62%72%65%61%73%74%63%61%6e%63%65%72%63%61%72%65%2e%6f%72%67%2e%75%6b%3c%2f%61%3e%27%29%3b’))</script>. You are welcome to call the helpline for further information and support regarding the specific concerns that you have at the moment.

Best wishes
Lucy

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Hi Rebecca

My children are 9 and 7 so in some ways it’s easier in other ways it’s not! I would recommend accepting help wherever you can. It’s not easy asking for or accepting help, but worth it. At the beginning I made a list of ‘needs’ and when people offered help I would be ready with ‘well actually I might need you to …’. This way I got a chance to see their reaction before I had to ask them for real and they got to know what I needed. A lot of the time they just don’t know what you need and some people just assume the best.

I have bought in some help, cleaning and ironing, and I would consider paying a neighbours teenager to play with the kids after school if necessary. Use neighbours, friends and family if they can come and visit. Seek help if it gets too much and put your treatment and recovery first.

with all best wishes

Pauline x

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Hi Rebecca

I was diagnosed last July and my two were 3 and 5. It has not been easy but as people say take all the help offered. We too did not have family near by but I have truly found out who my true friends are. In a way I suppose I was lucky as my oldest had just done a year at school and my friends from there have been fantastic.
We too could not afford childcare - but I have just got through 3 fec, 1 tax, 1 abandoned tax (allergic reaction) and 2 CMF, on a 4 week break and then 6 weeks of rads. Think in terms of childcare this is going to be hardest as it is every day for 6 weeks. 5 year old at school but 3 year old only at pre school. Have a 2 hour round trip without treatment.
Ask your Health visitor if there is any help out there.

Please take care, it is doable and you will not believe you can get through this but you will.

Love

Anne x

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Hi,

My kids are 10, 7 and 2 1/2, Two in full time school, one only in preschool mornings my health visitor has been amazing, She popped in after i was diagnoised and had a chat about how i was doing and feeling about everything then, When my treatment plan was decided she came over and help my explain everything to the children in a awy they would understand but, not frighten them, she gave my eldest daughter leaflets to read write for children which help answer all her questions.
She is also helping me arrange a sure start nanny to come in and help with my youngest picking up form school and looking after well i have my rads, Lucky my family are close so they help when husband not home, but i can’t expect them to take four week off work for me to have rads everyday and look after her, i have a two hour round trip to hospital for that plus treatment time,
So Ask the health visitor are breast care nurse for information on services available in your area, She may be able to help,
Take care and all the best for your treatment,
Em Xx

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Hi Rebecca
I hav 2 children 6 and 2+ 4mths. I started chemo Oct 31 07 . I have a lady to come in and do cleaning and ironing on friday and have just taken on someone on a monday for 2 hrs probably temporarily. I am feeling very well generally but sometime the housework with young ones is just too overwhelming (with or without chemo !) so that really helps me . In the short term I couldnt do without it.

My family are all in liverpool (no parents but lots of sisters) I am in London and my hubby doesnt have any family so I completely rely on friends with toddlers when I have my chemo or bood tests. I dont know what I would have done without them. Do you have anyone frm antenatal groups , playgroups ? When I was diagnosed I told everyone I felt I needed to know so I could ask for help as that was the one area that really scared me. I have to say I have just had one day where I just put the dvd on and let the kids watch tv for hours while I crashed and OH wasnt around.

Also my 2 year old is still having daytime naps so I try to catch up a little then especially the week after chemo. I dont tend to do too much even though I feel ok I now know that my body is thinking otherwise and I learnt to my cost when i attempted heavy gardening and had major back pain afterwards.

You have only just started treatment too so understandably are very wary of how its going to go. From my experience it hasnt been too bad at all, hair loss probably the worst just be prepared for it. My children have been my focus and kept me going and on days when I wanted to do nothing I have had to get out and do the school run or playgrous and have probably felt better for it. Having other children around helps me as the children dont need my attention so much.

Cant add to much really , just trying to carry on as normal , head down and get on with it. I am now coming up to my last one tomorrow and just feel like I’ve ticked that box now just to get the next step over with . It will pass and I wont deny I’ve had my down moments especially when the children are being so lovely but that what keeps you going.

all the best x
cally

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Hi Rebecca

Just wondering how you are doing now?

I echo Cally’s comments, get help from any group of friends you can. My church has been a good support in providing meals and two ladies ring me regularly and ask ‘what can I do for you this week?’ Friends close by have looked after the children as well as cook food for me. When I thank them they say ‘I’m sure you would do the same for me if necessary’. How true!

take care
Pauline

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Hi Rebecca,

In answer to your question about how we all manage, I think we all do but differently and individually (just like breast cancer itself). I was 39 when dx in May 2006 at 30 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I had 3 x FEC, 3 x TAX, 30 rads (25 + 5 boosters). I finished a year of herceptin in Jan 08 and am just on tamoxifen now.

Family, friends and people in general just want to help and you will no doubt be inundated with offers of help - I know I was but I got to the stage where I felt like public property to some degree and I felt I was becoming a burden to my friends and decided that my best course of action would be to grit my teeth, head down and get on with it and I declined any help offered. My onc had told me at dx not to have any more children so I wanted to savour the time and the milestones with my baby (even the night feeds!!) and for me that meant trying to be normal and keeping busy so even though I felt exhausted I did just try and get on with it - not everyone’s approach I know and it didn’t always work for me but I have come through my treatment now and you will too. Your treatment and your children will exhaust you but it will be your children that keep you going, they need you. You have to do what you think is right for you but your views may change as you go through treatment and this is normal.

For chemo I took my little baby with me but it got more difficult when it came to rads, 6 weeks in total. Don’t have family who live locally so I put my baby into a nursery for the 6 weeks whilst I had rads. My lovely friends did offer to help but I would have needed to draw up a timetable as to who would have him on what day, which week - also, the machines at my hospital are used constantly and do tend to break down from time to time so you don’t really know how long you are going to be. All in all I thought the stress free option was to put him in a nursery and it worked out very well.

I think your children are too young to understand what is happening to you and although I always try and be honest with my children, I didn’t tell them anything about my illness, I became a very good actress, brave face etc and to be honest at such a young age why burden them.

Not sure if any of this helps but I wish you well through treatment and we are all here to try and help/assist if we can. Love xxxx

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Hi Rebecca

What friends have you got around you?If you do have that offer help ask them to do specific things for you that would help you out. People alwasy say how can I help and I think sometimes you have to tell them the ways in which you need help.

I have a 16mnth old and 6yr old and am 43, my hubby is a contractor and luckily he has been able to take 4 weeks of after my mastectomy, to care for the kidneybeans and me. My mum is 70 and comes over to iron or walk my dog but apart from that we have just got on with it. Mind you I have yet to start chemo so reckon I am still to experience feeling wiped out. My friends have offered to help and believe me when I start chemo and if I do need it I will ask them.

Try not to worry to much about certain things that dont get done around the home.Care for you and your family…

xxx

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Hi again Rebecca

I’ve just replied to your other post -we’re very similar as I also have similar diagnosis and an 8 month old and a 2 and half year old (7weeks and 2 when I was diagnosed).

There’s no denying its going to be hard. I posted on here in the early days of my diagnosis asking the same as you and someone said that if anyone offers help, take it straight away or they might not offer again! and that was very true. This is a long treatment plan which spreads over a few months and people think you’re coping or are too scared to ask, so if you get them on board straight away it will help.

I was lucky that my husband could get time off work and ‘work from home’ a lot, but if your can’t do that you will need additional help. Get in touch with Homestart, they’ve been brilliant for me -its not means tested at all and they’re fantastic, they’re giving me a morning a week all through 6 weeks of rads and will continue giving me 2 hours a week for as long as I need. Its based on individual need and what they can offer in your area.

I’ve also roped in my nct mum friends to help out and have had to pay loads in childcare too for the baby -hoping to get a macmillan grant to help with all the extra costs at mo,. I hated asking for help at first and hated not being able to be a mummy to my boys but have got my head around all that now, and I would definately help out any friend in my situation so I don’t feel bad asking anymore and people really want to help.

But the bottom line is, don’t beat yourself up and feel like you should be doing more. You will do as much as you need to for your babies and probably more, but they won’t remember this time and you will be there to be a fantastic mummy once this is all over. Put yourself first for now during all this treatment. Chemo is hard work and will need your full attention.

My 2 year old went ‘on holidays’ to grandma and grandad’s house when I had my bad days as I didn’t want him to see me ill and then my husband just had the baby -but if you could send them both to stay for a few days, do it as you will really really benefit from the rest and they’ll have a great time.

I also found that as long as I explained to my 2 year old what was going on in a way he could understand, he was amazingly unaffected by things. I’m very proud of him. He tells the workers at the playgroup that I have a boo boo in my booby and its sore but the doctors are making it better. Its important they know what is going on and only you know how much to tell them.

I recommend this book ‘Mom and the Polka Dot Boo-Boo’ by Eileen Sutherland -I got it from Amazon and its brilliant.

Please keep in touch, I’d love to hear how your getting on.

Hxxx

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Thankyou everyone for replying, it really has given me food for thought

Family help is very limited as family are either elderly, disabled or distant. I have some friends who can help occassionally but they all have babies too which makes it more of a juggle.

I will talk to my HV, and to Homestart & Surestart and see if they can be of any help

My 2 year old will be half time nursery from Jan, so I might see if there is scope for her to go from Sept when my surgery & rads are planned for

Thanks again, Rebecca x

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Hi Rebecca,
I have had to lean on friends who are pregnant with toddlers only for a few hours here and there and feel a bit bad about it but always add that I will be here for them when they have their babies . When I get through my rads I will be offering my support to give back. As I am getting through the end of treatment they are all getting champagne as I couldnt have done without them .

I never used Homestart but a few people on thes boards have and recommend them.
you will be fine .
Someone said women are like teabags, when put in hot water they get stronger , how true !

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Hi I was dx at 36 weeks pregnant.

My tips are like the others posted here:

take any help

take it easy when you can

ask for help from the hospital- i have heard of social services paying for child care if needed

good luck and it can be done!! I cant believe how many of us are here with young babies, although the lovely H is a 2 year old now :slight_smile:

Remember there are mums all over the world in extraordinary circumstances. Your children will not judge you, so try not to judge yourself. My partner has disabiliites so I knew it would be a bit different for us, just didnt realise how different.

xxsam