I hope I’ve posted this in the correct place but I just need to write my feelings down. A lovely friend of mine has breast cancer (diagnosed in 2007) and it was a tiny lump, removed by surgery, blasted with chemo and radiotherapy. She is a breast cancer research sister which has almost made things harder as she knew the hard facts and statistics right from the start. At the beginning of 2009 she was diagnosed with a reoccurance in the breast and lung metastasis. Further chemo continued but has failed the halt the brutal progression of b******d cancer through her body.
She is in a hospice at the moment and her lovely, sweet husband is in so much pain it is awful, desperately sad and I feel so helpless.
I realise she isn’t going to be cured but with brain mets, is it still possible for steriods, other drugs to stop/relieve her present confusion? I really want to see her but know she would hate her friends to see her confused and I am frightened of breaking down in front of her and her husband/family.
I just want to do whatever is best for her and feel so helpless.
I understand the priority of the doctors is to keep her comfortable and it seems that already the hospice staff have achieved that.
How do you help to support her husband? Mum? I just want to do something useful to help.
I am so sad for everybody’s pain. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 and then brain mets in 2009. My friends bought me books on fighting cancer, one waa fighting cancer with nutrition and a good tip I was given was to juice a broccoli everyday apparently help to reduce tumors. Now I know not everybody believes in food being a contributing factor but it can’t hurt and can give you some hope. My tumours did reduce (evreything should be organi cby the way. Apparently it doesn’t matter how far down the road you are it can still make a difference.
"sad friend"thats all you need to be, when you don,t know what to do or say it means more than you know that you care,don,t worry about saying or doing right or wrong you care and thats what matters ask husband if you can visit do anything to help she deserves friend like you as she has cared for others its her time to have it in return, love sheena
Thank you for your kind comments. Part of me feels so angry at the unfairness of it all. I know this is pointless and unproductive but I feel my friend and her husband have been through enough. They found each other fairly late in their romantic lives (after being put through the mill with other partners), endured infertility then have had the spectre of cancer haunting them for the past two years. Now it seems she might not get better (I can’t bear to think this is could be the outcome) and neither of them deserve so much pain.
No one does of course but there are so many evil, nasty people who enjoy rude good health. It makes me feel so bitter, angry but of course mostly devastated and sad.
Thanks for understanding.
I write this with a heavey heart. My wife aged 38 is a similar position to your friend. We have a 4 year daughter which I need to think about. My wife has been undergoing triple negative breast cancer for the last 16 months and she now has Brain Mets, Lung Mets and Liver Mets the prognosis is at best 3 months. I wish I knew how to deal with this, I don’t! We live with hope and I pray to god for patients.
Sadfriend and Attaria
I have just lost a very close friend to bc. We went through treatment together, now she is dead and I am still here. I know what you mean about the awful pain of it all and really all you can do is be there. She may or may not know you are there. Shortly before she died my friend smiled at me and said “Hand” which i took to mean that she had valued my holding her hand, she had been confused for days and I did’t realise she knew I had been holding her hand.
It’s okay to cry with people and let them know you feel for them. Sometimes practical things help too - like making sure she has clean nighties etc or that he has shopping in for his tea.
This s a horrible thing for you all to suffer.
Love to you all
Jane x
I lost my sister to cancer in August, not BC, but I don’t really think that matters for this question.
Her husband didn’t cope very well with her illness or the near end of her life, pursuading us not to go and see her in her last days. Funny thing is we all ignored him in the end and 3 of us 6 turned up together unanounced.
You see we KNEW our sister would want to see us and she did. You have to remember your friend as she was and judge the situation baring that in mind. It’s a hard one, but only you can make it.
I would say try really hard not to cry in front of your friend as this can be distressing, talk to her about funny, happy times. With luck you may get a smile or more in response, and it will keep the mood light.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with crying away from your friend in front of her family, that is all part of the grieving process which sadly can begin before the person actually passes on.
Go with your own judgement and do not be affraid of upsetting her family, they will understand I am sure.
Irene
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I will die of breast cancer and because I know this, accept this, I wouldn’t mind if anyone cried in front of me in the final stages. But in saying this my Mum died in 2008, from ovarian cancer only diagnosed a few days before she died in hospital. Up until 2 days before her death the plan was for her to come home and start chemo. She was still in shock from her diagnosis and whilst she knew the cancer couldn’t be cured she wanted chemo. In this case we didn’t cry in front of Mum as it would have made her more frightend in her final hours and we don’t think she knew she was dying. I would suggest you are guided by your friend as to do what’s best, for her, I feel she will somehow be able let you know if she is not too confused. I’m sure most of us will already know this but our hearing is one of the last senses to shut down. A dying person may well take comfort from anything that’s said to them right up until their death.
Take Care…With Love…x.x.x
I lost my darling wife Katy aged 38 on the 5th Feb after a 19 month
battle against triple negative breast cancer. I was with her
until her last breath as I promised her. I have had the most
difficult task of explaining my wifes passing to our 4 yr daughter
mummy has gone to god and she replies why I miss mummy.
I pray to god for strength and patients in these most difficult
times. I just pray for a cure in 2010 so that no other family
has to go through what we have.
Attaria,
Iam so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife Katie. You , your daughter and your wife Katie are in my prayers.
R.I.P Katie
Louise
My deepest condolences on your families loss Attaria. No one can say the “right” thing but please don’t feel alone, sending hugs to you both
Attaria
What can I say? I am so, so sorry for your loss. This disease is evil and always seems to take away the best people. Please give your daughter lots of cuddles and always tell her how special her mummy was. I am just going to go through and give my 18 month old boy a special cuddle.
If I can do anything to help, please just say
Shenagh xx
Dear Attaria
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of your Katy. This is a very ugly disease, to do this to a young family.
Sending love to you and your little girl, and all the family
xxmonica
Dear Attaria,
So sorry to hear the loss of your beloved Kay to this horrid disease. Lets hope some day soon there will be a cure and young families like yours will no longer be affected.
You and your little girl are in my thoughts at this sad time.
Love Marina x
PS to my last posting - typing too quick I missed the t out of Katy - so sorry my apologies Attaria x
Attaria, so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife Katie. I’m sure you and your daughter have lots of special memories of her. She will always be with you both, love and prayers Debs xxx
Attaria, deepest sympathy to you and your little daughter on the loss of Katy.As other girls have said,Katy will walk beside you both and guide you.My sincere condolences on your loss.
Ann xx
So very sorry to hear of your sad loss.I too have triple neg bc dx in October 2006.
My condolences to you and your daughter,I hope you find the strength you will need.
Love Vx
Attaria, just echo what everyone else has said, very sorry for your loss and hope you find strength to get you through this difficult time. Joyce. xx
So sorry to hear that another beautiful life has been snubbed out by this wretched disease. I too pray to God that they will find a cure to, and that you and your daughter will give each other the strength to carry on life without your beloved Katy. One day there will be sunshine after the rain for you, just take one day at a time.
My very best wishes
Linda