my sister died from breast cancer in March 2008, leaving 3 children under 10. I feel so angry that this has happened. She tried all the treatments that were available to her, but couls not fight this terrible disease. How do I tell the children (youngest is 3) that their mum was brave, and fought to stay with them, and cope with the anger I feel every day?
I am so very sorry to hear of your sister’s death. There is no easy answer to your question. When you see the children tell them stories about their mum, tell them things from her childhood, remind them of the good times they had with her, tell them how much how very much they were loved; tell them when it’s appropriate that she did not want to leave them. Do the children live with their father? Talk to him about how you can help. …it won’t all get said at one time or in one visit, you have many years to tell them and many years to help them forge their futures without their mum.
As to your anger…maybe you need some support for yourself, counselling could help. Anger often covers harder emotions and talking to someone not involved could help you. Sometimes people who have been bereaved find that getting involved in campaigning or fundraising around breast cancer helps them.
This is an awful disease, and when treatments fail there is simply no amount of fighting which makes any difference. The rawness of your pain must be hard to bear right now.
very best wishes to you
Jane
thank you Jane. Yes the children do live with their dad, although he is not the easist person to speak to. I do see the children every week, picking then up from school 2 day a week. I try to speak to them about their mum, but the oldest, 10 years doesn’t really want to talk about his mum, the middle one, age 6 is just happy go lucky, and Jess, 3 cries for her mum and can’t understand why she can’t come home. I am making arrangements to see a councillor, as I feel worse now than when Nikki died. She fought so hard for 2 years, started a drugs trial, but died shortly after. I went with her every week to appointments, chemo etc, but we could not keep her. She would have been 40 this year, life is not fair!
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I myself am a breast cancer mum to a 4 year old boy and ever since I found out I had secondaries, I’ve been working on a diary and memory box for him. I’ve been writing a diary quite regularly about how he was born, what sort of baby he was, and things that we do as a family etc. I also have a memory box that I keep train and cinema tickets etc in and some old toys. I also made up some cards that I’ve written messages such You Make Me Proud when…, or I Love You Because… these I took from the Winstons Wish Website although i made them myself to make them more personal. I’ve also been getting pictures together of the family. I also ordered some memory books from Priceless Treasures Online for me to put all my own childhood history in. If your sister didn’t manage to do these things for her kids maybe you could do some of it in her place. It’ll probably be quite difficult for all of you but I hate the thought of my little boy not having all these things available for him especially as he is so very young at the moment and would not necessarily have the memories built up himself yet.
bridie - I am so sorry to hear that your sister died. I too am a mum with children, although I don’t have secondaries I found a good book from Winstons Wish Website and there are other resources there too. A friend whose husband had died of cancer got counselling for her son through school as he wasn’t coping, maybe this would be a good place to ask for help for them. So hard the thought that you might have to leave your children before they are grown up.
I would recommend counselling for you as well, it really can help.
all the best Pauline
Thank you for your suggestions. My sister and I are starting to put together memory boxes for Nikki’s children. Yes, it is difficult, but also theraputic,remembering things from our childhood, and laughing at things we had forgotten long ago, especially the outfits we were made to wear! We have also named a star after their mum, so everytime the stars come out the children will remember her. I think because they are so young, we need to keep reminding them of the good times they had as a family.
Thanks again for all the good wishes, and best of luck to you all
Dear Bridie
My beautiful sister too died from this awful disease on 25 June 07. She was 40 and left behind two young daughters who miss their mom soo much. I am very fortunate to live close by them so I get so spend some time with them. I am also very fond of my brother-in-law and we do rely on each other to get through our loss. All I can say is, talk to them about her, tell them stories, share those sister secrets with them 
Now when I talk to my nieces about their mum we are able to laugh, smile and remember her they way she would want us to. There is no easy way to get through this, but I keep thinking of what my sister would want and what she would do if it were me.
We all miss her, and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her about millions times, and as you will know, losing a sister (or any sibling) means losing a huge part of your history. I miss not having her to reminisce and compare family stories. I miss not having her at the end of the phone to offload my bad day on know that she would have some words of wisdom (or when or else fails at least an offer of a good G&T ;-). I want to remind everyone everyday what this world has lost by her dying. But I hope that I can keep her memory alive in her girls eyes and hearts by letting them know how much she loved them, how much she fought to be with them, and how sad she was when she knew that she wasn’t going to experience what us as mothers take for granted… watching our children grow.
I am not sure if I have offered you much advice, but just to let you know that I am thinking about you.
Take care
Avon67