I’m starting back to work on Monday, have been off since last July.
So this has been my last ‘sick’ day. I have been so emotional today & don’t know why. I’ve only come on here after crying non-stop for 2 hours this afternoon. I’m not looking forward to going back at all, to a place which last time I was there I was completely healthy, wearing my heels & my jewellery etc. Now I’ll be there with a wig, clumpy flats, no fingernails to speak of etc. I have probs with stairs now, so am moving from my 1st floor office to the ground floor, where I shall be going into a big office with several other members of staff - I know them all, but I’m used to working alone. Also several redundancies have taken place while I’ve been off, most notably my best friend, who for years has driven me home from work, & was supposed to be taking me there as well. I have sorted the transport as Access to Work are providing taxis (so I must be ill), but won’t have his support. I can’t imagine being at work without him, but don’t have a choice. I feel like I should be back to some kind of normality now, but I just seem to cry & cry, & I don’t even know why I’m crying.I’m on my own all the time, & I hate it that I’ve become so pathetic, I would say clingy but got no-one to cling to, there’s just nobody there for me. Sorry ladies what a moan !
Hello there
I understand completely how you feel. I too have just gone back to work since last aug,
your not pathetic your grieving for all the rubbish that you’ve gone through , lets face it your entitled too !! I am sure with time you will recover pyscologically,
I too feel emotional, i hate my body, and can’t stand my implant and feel I have a brick on my chest, I just want my boob back healthy! I feel I have been institutionalized these past months and am trying to get back into normality, and I am greiving for the past, and feel my body as let me down.
I am 4 weeks since last chemo, and have had 3 rads out of 20, and I hate all this crap that’s been put on me,
I know how we feel is normal and i’am sure with time we will all feel better, good luck with your return to work and i’am sure their will be brighter days ahead
Ann x
Hi Divvy,
Big big hugs to you! Try and enjoy the weekend and not let Monday overshadow you too much. Hopefully you’ll feel better a couple of days into next week. It must be as bad as starting a new job all over again as you have become a different person and the work environment has changed too. I know I have changed and I haven’t been through as much as you. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you’re OK.
E xx
Divvy I am sorry you are feeling so low and alone. It is a huge step going back to work and quite understandable that you are feeling vulnerable and tearful.
I don’t know about you, but I tend to view life as pre and post BC now and it feels very odd going back to life as I knew it before - because it is isn’t the same - not since diagnosis and treatment. I am not the same. And in your case you are returning to somewhere familiar that has also changed a lot. I hope that once you get back into the swing of things that you will feel better.
I do know how you feel - I have had old friends staying with me - we always used to paint the town red together. The person they knew had two breasts and straight hair and lots of oestrogen and a healthy libido and loads of oomph - and now I am this monotitted dull old bag with chemocurly hair and glasses in a permanent state of fatigue. I’d love to turn the clock back.
Anyway - good luck for Monday - I hope it all goes well. Indulge yourself this weekend with all the things you like to do/eat/drink.
good luck for monday , I am back on phased return now, and I must say it has given me a sence of control, belonging and takes my mind off the past year, it will never be the same but my confidence started to grow with my return to work…it also helps when frienda and collegues comment on how well i look, or that my hair is growing in fast…or just welcome back …simple things matter now
take care xx
Hi Divvy
Sorry to read that you are feeling so low, in addition to the wonderful support you have here please feel free to call our helpline for support and a listening ear on 0808 800 6000 , the line is open Saturdays 9-2 and weekdays 9-5, our helpliners can also talk to you about our other services which may be of help to you.
Take care
Lucy
I too am on a phased in work programme. I did 3 hours today the most i have done for the last 3 weeks. It is tiring but good to be putting my life back to “normal”. I have been off since last sept, had mx in september, chemo finished in feb and just finishing rads. Good luck to anyone going back to work
I had 8mths off and went back to work Jan 09 on a phased return. There had been very significant changes where I worked too, and I had to move offices. I cried and cried, on teh way to work at in my barren new office, for what felt like weeks. I had always loved my job before bc, but I didn’t want to go in, everything just felt alien and different.
I went to a few sessions with staff welfare, but other than that just gave myself time to adjust to a ‘new normal’. I still have wobbly times, but with time passing it gets easier, honest.
Good luck
Kinden
x
Thank you all so much, I will really try. I feel like I’m only now grieving for the ‘old’ me & the way things were. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been seeing many people, but now I will be forced to confront the changes in me by seeing them through other peoples’ eyes. Does this make any sense ? I feel a bit embarrassed I suppose, I don’t understand why, didn’t do this to myself & it’s not like I had a choice.I didn’t even appreciate my health when I had it, just joined in with all the usual moaning & groaning about trivial things.
As for these redundancies, it’s like they had a list of the people I liked best & that’s what they’ve used. People have gone & I’ve not had chance to say goodbye, & some I doubt if I will ever see again.
Thanks particularly Lucy, I may well make that call.
I hope that it will be just 1 more hurdle & that I will feel better once I’ve done it. At the very least I hope this terrible tearfulness will stop.
Hi Diwy,
Just wishing you all the best for Monday. It’s so horrible how having this dx seems to make even the most confident of people crumble. Stay strong, you’ve come through a lot and everyone here is behind you.
I hope it goes well for you.
Love Esme x
Hello Divvy I have just read your thread and am sending you big virtual hugs and hope it goes as well as can be expected on Monday. No doubt it will take you some time to re-acclimatize it cant be easy after all that time. Wish I could make it better for you but we do have these self image difficulties to overcome dont we, I have struggled like mad to feel human in wigs. Hopefully your hair and nails will begin to grow back soon and will be one less thing to feel distressed about but I realize there are all sorts of other difficulties for you to face. anyway, take a deep breath, good luck and hope people at work at gentle on you without being patronising. Its a hard tightrope to balance on I think for other people to, concerned about saying the right thing sometimes not saying anything at all for fear of offending you. Take care and hang in there. and be kind to yourself, youve been through lots dont feel guilty for not feeling great just now. love and hugs Carol.
Hi Divvy,
Really sorry to hear how you are feeling but really understand it too. If you’ve spent a lot of time on your own over the past months the thought of mixing again is in itself, a pretty frightening ordeal! I think we all lose so much self confidence during this fight. Tonight and tomorrow will be quite an ordeal for you as you practice how you’re going to dress for Monday, rehearse what you’re going to say, planning your journey there and back without your lift and feel genuinely sad about those colleagues that have left and you haven’t said goodbye to as well as grieving for yourself and all your current losses.
I think it’s so understandable that you are crying so much. If only you had someone to cry with… but we’re not all that fortunate to have loving partners at home!
I’m so glad you wrote up here on the forum so people could connect with you. People here really empathise with your situation and want to offer you a shoulder to cry on. I know I do.
When you’re feeling like this again try and write some more…
Especially keep in touch when you eventually get in from work, if you have the energy! We’re here for you and want to know how each day goes. I’m sure you will get very tired, from people talking to you about your health and you wanting to isolate yourself. Just the anxiety of it all will tire you out!
I’m indulging in a spot of TV, watching ‘MRS BROWN’. I hope you can find some pleasant things to do tonight and tomorrow. Just indulge yourself and do what you want… And if you start sobbing again, just remember we would all be exactly the same if we had to return to work on Monday morning!
Take good care now and I’m really hoping that Monday will not be as bad as you fear at present, but you do have a lot of new situations to adapt to. Glad they’ve sorted out you a downstairs station so you don’t have to cope with the stairs.
Keep in touch when you feel able to. I will be thinking of you.
Hugs of strength coming your way from Welsh girl x
Hi Diwy, Not much I can add really but just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and I will be rooting for you on Monday when you go into work. You have had a lot to deal with over the past year so it is not surprising that you are feeling the way you do. I remember the feeling you describe so well. All I can say is that I am now 21 years away from my original diagnosis and I went back to work after having chemo and a mastectomy with reconstruction. The people at my work were so supportive and helped ease me back into work. No-one is going to expect you just to jump back into your old slot. Life has changed for you in lots and lots of ways. I am not surprised that you have been so upset and have been crying. But it is great that you have taken the courage to tell us all about how you feel. That is courageous in itself. You hang on in there love. There are lots of us rooting for you. Let us know how things go and it you have a wobbily we will be here to support you. Take care honey, love Val X
Hello Diwy
just wanted to add my good wishes for tomorrow - I hope that it feels better when it happens than you are feeling now. I am amazed at how soon you are going back - makes me feel very soft! Its a hard thing to do, going back, and I think thats psychological as much as physical - people want you to be the person they knew and loved, and unless they’ve done this journey they can’t understand how things really are for you.
I went back after my first diagnosis and although I did struggle, my closest friends now are colleagues who gave me a life changing level of support, and they are the most solid wonderful friends you could hope for. I hope something of this happens for you and that you get some good things from this.
As wendy says, please keep talking to us and letting us know how you go on
I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow
monica xx
Hello all
Well I’ve done it - went to work today & survived to tell the tale. It went o.k, had just the one little weep when I first arrived & saw the colleague with whom I work most closely, but no more tears after that. Spent most of the morning with the boss filling in various bac to work stuff for H.R, but expect to do some proper work on Weds. (only 12 hours this week). I feel quite guilty though because the colleague with whom I mostly work has not been in touch with me for ages, & as we were quite friendly I was a bit miffed. It now transpires that her mum has been quite ill, & her sister, who has had bowel cancer previously & got all clear from that, was diagnosed with MS on Xmas eve. So she’s obviously had her own huge worries. This has shown me that it’s not all about me, & hopefully being back at work will reinforce this & give me more to think about than myself.
I cannot thank you all enough for the fantastic support you have all shown me, your messages were so loving & understanding that some of them made me cry too (what a wuss). Much better today though,
ONWARDS & UPWARDS !!
Love & Hugs to you all xxx
Hello Diwy, I am glad you managed to get on here to let us know how your first day went. It is hard returning to work after you have been away for a while. Good for you to admit that your friend had other worries and probably that was why she hadn’t been in touch. We get wrapped up with our own needs sometimes and forget that most people have worries of their own to deal with too. I hope you are able to take one day and at time and hopefully you will build up your stamina as well as your confidence as the days go on. Let us know how you are doing again. Will look out for an update! Love Val
Well done! I didn’t post before you went back, but was really confident that it would be much easier once you got there today - or at least once you got home tonight.
I had big surgery in Dec - bilat mx & recon - and went back part time towards the end of Jan. 2 days per week and only 6 hours, which has gradually built up. I can honestly say that while I’m at work, I rarely think about BC.
Everyone keeps telling me how well I’m doing, but it’s just doing what I feel like doing - and that’s the important thing - do as much as you feel up to doing, one step at a time.
That’s a BIG hurdle you’ve got over today - well done!
Love River
How good to hear about your work day.
I’m so glad it was ok and I’m not surprised you had a ‘bit of a weep’ as you started. It must have been a tense morning before you started your journey and full of emotion!
Onwards and upwards as you say will take you to day 2, then day 3 and hopefully each day of ‘new’ experiences will help you towards your goal of working without the angst.
Thanks for posting tonight. I’m sure you’re feeling very weary with all the emotion and travelling but well done for achieving day 1!!!
Congrats to you!
Thinking of you, Welsh girl x