Hi there,
I hope you’re all as well as can be and I would like to take this opportunity to say many thanks in advance for listening.
My mum was diagnosed 4 days ago, she’s divorced, bankrupt and only has me and my Brother. My Brother who is 30 lives with her and I am 33 and live locally with 2 young children. In some ways we are an extremely close family, especially as it’s just us but in another way, we really don’t get on day to day!
Ive been diagnosed with PTSD after traumatic circumstances with my baby son’s health which I won’t bore you with and my Mum has struggled to accept my condition but now this has happened, everything has been put into perspective and we’re closer than ever.
I have 2 main questions if you don’t mind me asking as I don’t know where else to turn.
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She is normally a drama queen which she will admit and we love her for (!) but with this she is in complete denial. Does anybody have any advice as to how I should support her? I don’t want to force her in anyway or upset her but I feel she needs to take this in at some point?
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Does anybody have any advice regarding financial assistance for transport costs etc? She works and so is not on benefits but lives literally hand to mouth with absolutely nothing spare. The hospital she has to go to is £25 each way in a cab or a 25 min train journey with a half hour walk from the station to the hospital. She can’t do that everyday after radiotherapy can she? The fact she’s not on benefits seems to mean she can receive no help?
My apologies for the long post and possible naivety about all of this but I just want to support my mum the way she has me my whole life and I didn’t know who to turn to.
Again, my genuine thanks in advance,
Claire x
Hello Claire
My heart goes out to you and your family, life just sometimes feels so unfair. I hope the following helps a little:
it is early days days for you all. You don’t say anything about the nature of your Mums diagnosis, breast cancer is very very treatable these days with very positive outcomes.
in terms of your Mums denial. I would say having this diagnosis is a roller coaster and each day brings something new. It takes a long time to process what is being said to you so I would say give it a little more time. Mcmilllan has a very good support team who will be able to help you, as will the local hospital.
In terms of getting financial help, again McMillan have a section and a helpline where they are very experienced in your Mums situation, it is that falling between the gaps, of working, not on benefits etc.
i think my main advise is, it is early days, and very soon you will find there will be masses of things to do with appointments. if she wants you to go to appointments and you can go, I would say be her eyes and ears for her. The internet is full of mis-leading information. Write down what her consultant has said and make sure she has it close to her, so there can be no temptation of being swayed by Dr internet.
let us know her next steps and I am sure lots will be along to support you all. You are not alone, xxxx
Thank you so much for your kind response.
As you say, one step at a time I suppose, I just want to do everything I can for her but I don’t know what that is.
She is having the cancerous lump removed which is underneath her nipple and a lymph biopsy at the same time as they are worried it may have spread.
Apparently she will need radiotherapy regardless but if it has spread then chemo etc. I’m trying not to look further than today but as she won’t open up to me, I’m just looking for anybody who can help me help her.
Thank you again, you don’t realise how important it is to me that somebody has replied to me xx
Thank you so much, you’ve made me cry, in a good way if that’s possible!
I’m just so touched that there’s people out there who will reply to me and support my mum and I when you don’t even know us.
I will be back through our journey and I’m sure I’ll be no use to anybody but if anybody wants to talk, I will be here xx
Hi Claire,
Am so sorry to hear of your Mums diagnosis. It is a scary time for all of you. Everyine does different things at a time like this but it soinds like your Mum is in shock. Denial is not uncommon neither is being very calm and collect -I know I was the latter.
The best way to support her is simply to be there…make sure those early visits up to the nospital she is not on her own…its good to have another pair of ears and a friendly hand. Your Mum will be having all sorts of further tests to establish what form of breast cancer -the range is so wide that its difficult at this stage to know exactly what your Mum is facing. She may feel this hersself and is choosing to almost ignore it until she kmows more.
As far as finanacial and travel support. Do riing McMillians they have a support lime for such times and there are benifits you can apply for. Am not saying there is loads of financial help but there is a little.
Transport to and fro from the nospital is very expensive and well recognised. There is likely to be a volunteer group in your area whereby people will run your mum back and forth…there maybe a nominal fee for this but nothing like taxi fares. Do ask your local cancer support centre…they are often attached to the hospital and are a useful source.
Secondly she may find a group of her friends will get together and take her up and down. She maybe surprised at who offers to do this. I know I was! Some hospitals provide special car parking arrangements for radiotherapy…some people get passes to park cars if she has one. My hospital didnt…
Lastly support for yourself -its tough for everyone going through or supporting a loved one with a diagnosis of breast cancer. The forum is a good place and the helpline is there to talk you through any questions you have. These days there is much out there treatment wise and many many poeple do very well indeed.
Sending you big hugs at this difficult time. Xx