I wonder how common this is - few seem to talk about it. Most say their partners say things like “I don’t care about your breasts, as long as you are ok and they get rid of the cancer.”
Here’s the background in brief: We’d been together 2 years when I was diagnosed 2 years ago. The month before my diagnosis he had just finished an unsuccessful 3 month treatment for Hep C, which had made him very fatigued and given him various unpleasant side effects. So the timing has been awful.
Two months after diagnosis I had a bi-lateral mx, with no recon, (because I needed rads). My partner can’t look at the scars, or touch them. He says he wishes I had covered up my scars while they were healing. He found the sight of the red swollen scars difficult to see. And so this is partly why he has struggled to come to terms with my flat scarred chest. I mistakenly assumed that after we first looked at my scars together that it would be best to be open about them and not cover up, so that the scars wouldn’t be taboo. We didn’t have a discussion at the time about how to deal with coming to terms with no breasts and the scars. I did what i thought was best, but maybe it would have helped if I’d asked how he felt at the time?
After the double mastectomy I had chemo and rads then tamoxifen (I am now cancer free so far as anyone can tell). It became clear things weren’t right as he withdrew from me and stopped touching me over the months following the surgery. He became bad tempered and angry. I found out fully how he felt when we had couples therapy. Due to how i now know he feels about my appearance I feel embarrassed to be naked in front of him, even getting changed or after a shower. I used to be an uninhibited woman, who loved sex and now I have lost all that. I worry I may never get it back. Even after the recon (which I hope will happens in a few months time) I will still have scars.
Am I alone? Is my partner unusually negative or is it only natural he feels like this? After all, it isn’t like I didn’t find it hard to adjust to my appearance as well.
I hope there are others out there who have had similar experiences. Surely all partners aren’t paragons of virtue? And at least he is being honest about how he feels rather than just giving me platitudes?
Thoughts anyone?
Ninianne
Hi all,
To run alongside Ninianne’s post here’s the links to 2 of BCC’s publications which cover this topic and hope you find them helpful.
Jo, Facilitator
Hi Ninianne
I kind of know where you are coming from here, except i have not come to terms with my new look at all and because of this, my partner of 11 years comes no where near the ‘new breast’ either.
I wish i had had let him see all the scars much much earlier, right from the MX to 3 weeks ago, but i didn’t.
He still finds me attractive but because i don’t like my body right now, he doesn’t venture in that area!
Are you alone? I don’t think so Ninianne. It must be hard for the men (god only knows it is hard for us women aswell!) and to be honest i think my OH is really wanting me to just be happy with the new look so we can get on with life (i don’t blame him) . When that happens is another story.
What type of recon are you hoping for? Could your partner look at the pictures of recon with you so that he has an idea in his mind what is to be expected. He may be pleasantly surprised?
He is being honest but that does not help you…
Will he adjust given time do you think?
Maybe you would both benefit from some more couples therapy (I might look into this myself)
Sorry if i have not been much help, give it time, kepe chatting on here as you will receive some lovely support which makes you realise you are not alone.
xx
Hi there, so sorry you are facing this in addition to everything else - I just wanted to say you are not alone and your partner is not alone - my sense of myself is very much reliant on my partner being OK with how I am (MX no recon)…and if my OH or others are a bit wierd around me I loose my self confidence about my new body too…
men face so many issues living with breast cancer …anger, desire to protect, fury at what it has taken away, wanting the whole perfect girlfriend thing, wanting to be supportive, not wanting to acknowledge the pain and hurt you have been through…
its so complicated and hard …if he wants to get over his whatever it is I do think the only way is to look at your new body, “to accept the reality of the loss” as william worden says about grief , and then “to adjust to the new world in which the loss is missing” by touching you maybe, talking about it, not pretending it hasn’t happened…
anyway thats how we got through it , but its never straightforward I don’t think.
best wishes
Ninianni,
Actually this is a topic I talk to only one friend about and she is very understanding. My OH of 20 odd years is very supportive and all that but, he will not look at my body, at all. I’ve had a mastectomy and hysterectomy so have a scar across my chest and one up to my belly button. When I had chemo this year and lost my hair he wouldn’t even come into the room when I didn’t have a wig on or something. I’m still coming to terms with it all really and feel my life as a sexual being has gone. The only thing that has kept me sane is that I fell in love with someone else before DX and they have been quietly in the background supporting me, so even if my OH ignored me I felt someone somewhere still thought I was attractive. Still I’m finding it difficult to see my body as sexually attractive to any one anymore. All I trying to say I suppose is no, you are not alone.
Love Claire x
Hi Ninianni,
you are really not alone.
It must be normal for some partners to not be able to “cope” with scares? Just like some can’t “cope” with childbirth, blood, vomit etc.
I think he’s being honest and its great that you are having couples therapy. Hopefully your recon will help too. And that time will heal.
My thoughts are with you. I have not been as brave as you, my partner has not seen my scares and my bald head! I’m really scared of the outcome. I’ve not let him near me. Well it’s mutual really, hes found alot of overtime to do.
I have to come to terms with myself first. I am so far from the sexy woman I was 3 months ago!
Good luck and best wishes to you. xx