What I would really like is some tips on what to say to my sister. We are not that close. It is early days at the moment, she has to have more tests. When she told me I rambled on like a mad person, then I sent her an email because I couldn’t say what I wanted to say to her face, here I go rambling again. Can anyone who has a family member with cancer give me any useful tips.
Many thanks
Hi, so sorry to hear about your sister. I’m 36 and was diagnosed in march. My sisters really helped me during Chemo, especially my older sister. She practically helped me by looking after my boys, taking me so I could watch their sports day, popping round to see me and basically keeping regular contact, as so many people and offers of help seem to just drift away as time goes by. She would rub my shoulders and arms and back when I was feeling down and that really soothed me at a time, at the start, when I was just so low and in shock. She bought me nice bits and pieces to tempt me to eat and would clean, tidy, Hoover etc for me which isn’t really get usual thing! My mum looked after me most but my sisters supplemented her but also they looked after my mum emotionally znd physically too as it was hard for her.
If she loses her hair, just agree it’s unfair and a cr@p thing to happen, don’t go on about how it will grow back and she has the face goe the bald look etc as she will probably scratch your eyes out if she felt like I did!
By finding this website and asking for help you have already shown what s good sister you will be to her and she us so lucky to have someone who loves her in her corner.
Vickie
x
Millie, I found receiving emails easier than phone calls when I was first dx - because it gave me the freedom to respond when I was ready… and not worry about having to cope with the emotions of the person I was speaking to, so don’t worry about putting in an email what you can’t say out loud. I am certain your sister will truly appreciate it. Just stay in touch somehow, and let her know that if she wants to talk, in person/by phone, then you are there for her.
Expect your sister to be very emotional, not necessarily tearful, possibly angry, determined, scared… or even just preferring to laugh everything off - and go with how she feels, don’t question it.
And DO NOT buy her a hat for Christmas… because if anyone does that for me… they’ll be walking funny for a while…
Sophie xx
Many thanks for the tips, really helpful. I did forget to mention that my sister lives in London and I live in Devon so I can’t just pop round. I definitely won’t buy her a hat!!! My Mum is struggling a bit as well so I have sent her a link to this website, I hope she reads it as it’s very very helpful.
Thanks again x x
Hi Millie
I was dx in September and had a mastectomy in October. Next is chemo, then radiotherapy, then herceptin and tamoxifen.
I live in Notts (surprise, surprise - see my name) and my 3 sisters (aged 29, 40 & 44) live in London, the US and Glos. They have all been brilliant even though we aren’t normally close. I had to gently suggest my sister in the US stopped sending me stuff as the number of parcels was getting ridiculous and she should spend her money on her kids or herself. She said ‘what else can I do from over here?’ I said ‘keep in touch’. This is the main thing. If your sister is used to working, then once she’s at home during treatment, she might feel a bit abandonned or lonely, as friends lose interest. Ask how she is but also tell her stuff about you. My sis from London was having money problems and said ‘I shouldn’t be telling you, you have your own problems’. I told her I still want to talk about other stuff.
So basically, my advice is keep in touch by phone or e-mail and if you see her at Christmas, don’t be any different with her.
Hi Millie
The advice already given is really good, a lot of my close friends have been keeping in touch by text, particularly straight after my op, it allowed me to reply by text, or phone them if I wanted to, sometimes it was even too much to fire up the notebook for emails…However, if you have a smart phone this is not such an issue!
The best texts/calls/emails were the ones where people would tell me what they had been up to, with asking about me as an aside…
Hope this helps
SJ xx
Hi Millie
I agree with everything the others have said. Being stuck at home, when usually I’m at work, it was great exchanging emails with my sister, even if it was only a couple of lines. And as SJ said, the best emails are the ones which are mostly about other news and things going on in their life, with the “and how are you” tacked on the end. And if I hit a patch where I just needed to talk, I could phone her and she’d listen… and then gradually turn the conversation onto other topics, and more times than not we’d end up laughing.
The fact that you’ve signed onto this website and asked the question shows that you’re perhaps closer to your sister than you realised. Closeness is nothing to do with physical distance.
Sarah x
I think the thing to do is go with the flow and some days your sister will need to offload and it’s great having someone there you can trust to do that with. On other days it is good to forget about anything to do with cancer, so go shopping (trying to avoid all the charity collectors, M&S when they are raising for Breast Cancer etc) and have a lovely lunch. Anything to help make each day more bearable and having lots of lovely people around you really helps to get you through a rough time as this is.
I wish your sister well and hope that everything is bright for her. xx
Thanks so so much for all your comments, they are going to be invaluable now and when my sister starts her treatment. It’s such an nice feeling to know I have people, who I don’t even know, that I can talk to at any time of day.
I wish everyone well, and will keep coming back to this site to let you all know how it’s going…and for more tips I expect!
Thanks again
Millie x x
Hi
I’ve recently found out that my sister has breast cancer too, its been really hard for everyone one, especially our parents.
Me and my sister have never been that close due to quite a large age gap. I’ve found it really difficult knowing what to say to her, she is a very strong person and is amazing me with how well she seems to be coping.I try not to get upset in front of her and talk about other things. I know that she wants everyone to all carry on as ‘normal’, the thing is we can go for weeks without seeing or speaking to one-another, usually knowing what each other are doing via our parents who we are both close to. I have found all of the posts very helpful and I will take the text/email advice rather than calling her every day as this would be completely out of character and I feel she would find this more annoying than helpful. x
Hi snowflake34 - I’m so glad this has been of help to you too, and the email/text thing really works well for me. The hardest phone call I have had since I was diagnosed was from my elder brother - we really aren’t close, and it was such an awkward call, he was terrified, and I was anxious that he understand that I was actually doing ok… an email would have been much easier for me, and I think I could have reassured better by email than by trying to find the words whilst panicking that my ‘distant’ big bro was holding back tears.
Now that everyone I care about knows - life is much easier, but almost two weeks post mastectomy, I am still far more tired than usual, and I do tend to sigh when the phone rings… whereas an email lights up my day.
I’ll be thinking of your family, stay strong.
Sophie xx
Hi millie sometimes its not what you say its what you do that makes a massive difference just your sister knowing you are there is a big confort. she will need a lot of surport confort and love from all of her family and friends be kind to her she will probably be like a rollercoaster just go with her let her have her moans and groans my sisters are the best they have been with with me everywhere good and bad times take care
Hi mille and snowflake
I agree with the comments on emails, when I was being treated emails were much more welcome. Calls can be quite intrusive if you have just put your feet up to relax etc, and a bit stressful as you don’t know what you might have to deal with when you answer, whereas emails you can open when it suits you, and enjoy and keep to re-read later.
An email can always suggest a call, eg ’ give me a ring if you want to chat, or I can call you just let me when would suit you’ etc so that you don’t intrude on quiet time.
Sarah
Hi, thanks for the replies they have been a big help and I’m touched that people I don’t know and who are being treated themselves have the compassion to take time to reply.
I have been texting my sister and its been so much easier as I don’t have to worry about becoming upset. Also as the text conversations have gone on we have started to talk about other things like Christmas etc and I think that this has helped us both.x
Hi Mille, I hope things are ok with you?