I don’t know where to begin. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2022 and I was diagnosed with secondary in 2024. I have a young daughter of 12 and happily married. On my second diagnosis we decided to move closer to be near to family. My sister reassured my husband we should move and that she would do anything to help us. We decided to leave our entire community of friends not based on her encouragement but it certainly pushed us towards leaving for sure. I think I expected family to love having us close but it hasn’t worked out that way. Its turned out so much worse that I could have expected. As we arrived for my daughter’s first day of secondary school in a new county we were due to complete on our house but it got put back a week and left homeless. My sister was an obvious choice - We were due to stay one night but asked to stay for longer and we got a “we can’t have you” because their 20yr old child was having a friend stay. Devastated so we looked elsewhere. My husband fell in tears in complete disbelief.
Before Christmas I found out my third line of treatment had stopped working and that I would need to begin IV chemo, at home. I was both devasted and scared. Before it began I was admitted to hospital for a week with an infection and everyone visited apart from my sister. Chemo began and my mum would come over every week and sit with me. By February half term my sister offered to come and sit with me thru chemo but didn’t turn up as her husband called to say she had had a bad night sleep. I was devasted. She then turned up as my nurse left to find my mum caring for me. I haven’t seen her since. After this point i stopped hearing from her altogether. I once again got admitted to hospital with another infection and no one (sister or mum) called to see if i was ok. The day i came home i felt very low only to find out my mum and sister had been out for the night together whilst i was ill at home. I wasn’t invited nor did they check in on me. I was once again devastated. I told my mum as much when she came round to tell me and unburden herself of her guilt.
Throughout this time my husband had continually asked my mum for help to work out what was wrong with my sister and why she had dropped all contact. I probably should have called her but with treatment and generally feeling ill it wasn’t a priority. Up until this point I had started to feel very suicidal. I was telling my mum this with no help coming. My husband finally had a conversation with my mum to say he was worried about me and that he couldn’t understand why my sister had dropped us at such a difficult time. She then decided to tell my husband that I am a vile and disgusting person because my sister had told her that I had bad mouthed my mum whilst at the same time accepting her care. What I have said to my sister every time she asks after my mums care is that she doesn’t do much but sit with me and doom scroll and that she FaceTimes way too much and it can be intrusive. I didn’t care that she doom scrolled because her being with me felt enough.She decided to feed this back to my mum. On hearing this my husband broke down in tears (again) and on finding him like this I saw red. It was my chemo day but I had reached my limit. I drove to my mom’s house to pick her up so we could both go visit my sister and have an open honest conversation about what was going on. I was furious and it showed. My mum told me I’m the problem and then called my sister to let her know I was heading to her house. I knocked on the door continuously asking her to come and speak to me as I wanted to know what was wrong. No one came to the door. I became more and more distressed. I could see my niece look down on me laughing. Her husband came around the garden and said if I didn’t leave he would call the police. I begged him to tell me what was wrong and he said that I didn’t deserve to know. I went to find my mum and left my car behind and my brother in law followed and said if I didn’t remove my car he would call the police. My mum by this point stood by him as this happened and did nothing. I got in my car and left. I asked my estranged father for help who also refused by this point I was beyond distressed and low. No one would talk to me. I came home and got hooked up to my IV chemo. My daughter heard the door knock and answered the door to a policeman. He left as soon as he came as he could see how ill I was.
No one after this incident called to see if I was ok. No one has checked in on the 12 year old who was confused and upset and since has months of counselling. Months down the line and stil no one has checked in on us. My mum continues to txt and pretend like nothing has happened and I cannot force myself to go towards her and brush everything under the carpet. My treatment is no longer working and I am looking ahead to new treatment after the summer.
I admit I should not have gone to my sisters house angry. I should have called her weeks ago but maybe with everything we have going on she could have just called me. I should have stayed at home,however, at no point did I think that my own family would report me to the police and have them come to my house when I’m so ill. It’s like trauma on top of trauma. It’s taken months to process and the aftermath has left me completely void of confidence and full of paranoia. My mental health is generally low on top of processing my mortality all of the time. All my relationships have been impacted. It’s nearly impossible for me to make new friends. Old friends keep their distance. All family keep their distance.
Since then i have been admitted to hospital twice with infection. Mum came to visit me, on request after hearing I had been in hospital. She offered no apology and told me I have to move forward with my life and accept that our family is now segregated and there is nothing she will do about that. She has also not once spoken to my sister to say she was out of order and instead carried on with life alongside my sister and her family as if nothing happened. She didn’t comment on the fact I had been suicidal, blamed me for her lack of effort or checking in on her grandchild by calling me controlling and critical. She said my sister was “fucked up” and that us three being together was never going to happen as my sister cannot handle it/gets jealous. She’s left thinking all
Is well and that she will come to my chemo sessions with me for support stil like nothing has happened but I have been left with a very visceral feeling in my body. The phrase “sick to the bottom my stomach” is real. I am not left happy and relieved but extremely sad and completely abandoned from my entire family. On telling her I felt very unsupported as her son in law threatened me with the police and she just stood there - she offered me nothing. When I said I saw my sisters daughter from her bedroom laughing at me/on the phone to the police she just said “yes that’s the kind of thing she would do”. She said she wants to have a relationship with us both and refuses to get involved. I am left feeling so let down.
@moosey79 I didn’t want to read and run. I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time and that your family aren’t helping. Can I suggest that you seek someone to talk to? I had some counselling through Macmillan which was really helpful. They are there for all of you not just you as the cancer patient. I had face to face sessions but they have lots of ways to get support and I’d urge you to have a look. Other organisations can also offer help - Macmillan are just the nearest to me.
I really hope you can get some support. I’m sure someone else will be along with links to other organisations that can help.
@moosey79 i’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. You might want to tap into community support close to you. You might want to liaise with the macmillan team to find out what is available around you. I have found the church community very helpful. They take me to appointments as I was finding having to rely on family for this support stressful. Also, let your daughter’s school know as they might be able to offer pastoral support
Your pain courses through every line. Firstly, we hope the new treatment will be positive. Secondly - YOU DON’T HAVE A FAMILY. You have a blood related egocentric attack squad. Sadly, you can’t call the police on them. But you can, and absolutely should sever all contact with their toxicity.
Im so sorry for the stress you and your family have gone through it sounds like a nightmare. The only advice I can think of is similar to @beenthere2x You need to forget everything and everyone thats not helping your recovery. Its as simple as that. The only thing that matters is getting through your diagnosis and your treatment and unfortunately no one else can do that but you. Support or not from your sister and mother, they arent the ones that need to survive this. If being in contact with them is causing so much distress why continue? What is the cost of that at the moment? To just argue your point at a time when you shouldn’t need to. You need all the strength you can get. If they cant comprehend the seriousness of your situation by now that is their problem not yours. For now you are the priority and if I was you id firmly cut them out. Treatment is hard enough. Get yourself fit and well without their help
Sounds like your sister is jealous of all the attention mum gave you. Also sounds like you brother in law encourages this. Your niece doesn’t stand a home of acting decently.
Your mum is trying to stay friends with you both and not rock the boat. Unsurprisingly she can fix it as she never has before.
You cannot change them just your reaction to them. Stop wishing for what might have been and focus on what is happening.
I’d definitely be limiting contact to when they instigate it. I’d also consider heading back to your old neighbourhood where you and your daughter have friends.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Families can be the best things in the world, they can also be the absolute worst. I can feel your pain, frustration, confusion and disbelief at how they are all behaving, I’ve felt it all many times myself.
I don’t wish to sound blunt, but I am another one firmly in the ‘cut them off’ camp. There is a strange conception that because it is family we have to tolerate shitty behaviour. We don’t. For years, decades even, I thought that way and tried my best to keep relationships going with family who repeatedly exhibited appalling behaviours I would never accept from anyone else because society seems to say we should. However, failing to provide any support on the one and only occasion I was ever vulnerable and asked them for help was my final straw and I made the decision to draw that line. With the benefit of hindsight and proper support I now know the reason I needed that help in the first place was largely because of them. I’m not even sure my family know I had breast cancer and, to be honest, I don’t care if they do or don’t.
I realise I sound bitter, but in all truthfulness I am not. I’ve got a wonderful family through marriage who I love dearly and they were all there for me through treatment and have celebrated my recovery with me since. Not once have I regretted the decision of prioritising my peace of mind over people who may have a blood connection but simply aren’t worth the heartache.
I agree with what’s been said. You need to look after yourself and cut ties with anyone not supporting you. Maybe ask your oncology nurse specialist about counselling and support groups. Also could you consider moving back to your old neighbourhood where you had friends when you’re feeling stronger?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You can acknowledge that showing up at your sister’s house in anger wasn’t the best choice without taking responsibility for how your family treated you afterward. You’re dealing with an enormous amount, and you deserve compassion, not blame.
Thankyou for your kind replies. We have moved around 300miles from where we used to live and my daughter has started a new school and very settled. Moving back is very much at the forefront of my mind but we can’t look to move so soon as it’s so expensive. Though I would move into a one bed flat the way I’m left feeling. I’m desperate to go back but the cost is impossible and my poor daughter is v settled. I can’t help but think happy mum happy child though. I only see my mum once a week for chemo other than this I’m extremely lonely and isolated.
Maybe just keep the big move in mind for the right time in the future. If you feel well enough try to find a local support group to attend. I’ve found my local breast friends group are very friendly. Or even just look for a local friendly coffee morning to attend? Do ask your specialist nurse for help and explain how isolated you feel. They are supposed to help with your mental health as well as your physical. Good luck and hang in there! You’ve done so well to get this far already. Xx
So very sorry to hear your story - it’s hard for me to give anymore advice than has been said already . Your sister is obviously jealous and probably quite a selfish person - don’t waste anymore energy on her or her children and husband . I think it must also be difficult for your Mum being in the middle - it doesn’t sound like she’s handling that at all well either . You may have to accept reduced contact with her in order to avoid being drawn back into your sister’s toxic orbit - it’s up you sadly to decide if it might be easier to not see her at all either . I think there are a lot of unrealistic ideas / stereotypes around about cancer / cancer patients etc. it sounds as though your family may not have had realistic expectations about what being supportive might mean .
I’m wondering like others if there are any services locally that can help . My BCN service put me in touch with an informal support group - it’s less important to me than it is for some of the other ladies but I find I’m enjoying their company more and spending more time with them . At one of these meetings over a cup of tea one lady who has secondary breast cancer was telling me about her relationship with her mother which sounded very difficult so you are definitely not alone in the problems you are experiencing . I’m wondering as well if there’s any support to be had for your husband . I’ve heard that Maggie’s Centres are really good though I’ve never been to one .
I hope that Policeman gave your sister a good piece of his mind .
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. The fact that your daughter is so happy and settled despite the situation you’re in and the dreadful treatment from your extended family shows what wonderful parents you and your husband must be. I hope you can find some lovely local support groups.
Families, eh? Sometimes they are bent out of shape and not the loving supportive rellies we need.
Many years ago, pre-cancer for me, but after my mother died of breast cancer, my brother was marrying a woman he had only known for 9 days before he proposed. To cut a long story short, he sent me a nasty letter saying I was not welcome at his wedding, despite having previously told me I could go. My grandmother was a trouble maker, my mother took over after grandma died, and I really wasn’t expecting nastiness from my brother. I cried for three weeks, and my bestie said to me What do you actually want to get out of this, where do you want to end up? I decided after a lifetime of trouble making from my family, I did not want to engage with my brother and his nonsense. So I didn’t have anything to do with him for quite a few years. Then we met up at his daughter’s wedding, we were very polite to each other, and have been polite since, each time we have met. So there is a sort of relationship re-established.
You need to be firm with yourself and decide what do you want, where do you want to go with your unkind rude relations? I suggest you back off, go find some help and support, join some local groups such as a ukulele group, or whatever you can cope with while you are having your treatment. Find new friends who will accept you as you are, and don’t expect loving support from your rellies.
Maybe one day you can move back, but focus on your darling daughter.
Meanwhile, lots of love and hugs. You can do it girl, just make up your mind what you want out of this.
