My son doesnt talk to me

My son doesnt talk to me

My son doesnt talk to me Just thought I would get some help maybe some of you have gone through this too.
My son is twenty years old and lives away from home with his fiance, I was diagnosed in March last year and have had the lump removed and had all my chemo and rads.
The problem being is up to now Ive only had two phone calls from him since March and I was doing all the phoning and keeping him up to date with the news.
I explained everything to him and what was happening and he always makes some excuse not to visit Ive not seen him for eighteen months and am absolutely devasted, its difficult for us to visit him.
He moved and now just writes to me I dont have a number to contact him and he refuses to give me his mobile number.
I heard in a letter he is to be married next year and upset my daughter by saying that because of the distance they cant have her as bridesmaid as they are having the dresses made and they cant afford to pay her travel for fittings,my youngest son is saying he doesnt want to go and I cant make him, so it looks like a disaster is waiting in the wings.
My daughter was seventeen last week and I found out from what was written in the card (his name and his fiance and bump) that we are to become grandparents.
I just wonder what we have done to deserve all this I am at my wits end and cry over it constantly.
Any advice would be gratefully received
Julie xxx

Helpline Hi Julie

It sounds like you are having a really tough time with your family at the moment. It must be really difficult to deal with this on top of the the breast cancer. Maybe it would help for you to contact our help line on
0808 800 6000 where you are able to talk to someone in confidence about how you are feeling.

I am sure you will get lots of support from the many users of this site, but perhaps this would provide some extra support at the moment.

I hope this helps.

Kind regards
Bcc Host

Julie he’s probably too panicked to cope. It’s also possible his fiancee may be doing the get him away from Mum so he’s all mine bit.
Try not to be too upset because both of these will change .
You are lucky about the baby because it will change everything- in favour of grandparents, besides being a delight! Best wishes, be patient, dilly

dear yorkie, I had a similar experience. My sister is the only family I have left and when I was diagnosed the first time, she moved to another city! and did not call me for months! I think she was too scared to cope, also because our mum died recently of uterine cancer. It gets better, with time she got used to the idea and she started to call me and ask me questions about my disease. Just try not to put pressure, I know it is very painful, but not many people can cope with a disease like this. Try to forget a bit the whole thing and relax, as this is very important for a good outcome!
xxx sabrina

My Dad and my brother struggled big big time when I was diagnosed. They are ‘be strong’ scots men - and find it immensely difficult to express their emotions. My brother more than my Dad.

My brother has seen me go through lots of ops (eye surgery first at the ages of 4 and 12, then IVF and then bc - the icing on the cake) - and is therefore wary of hospitals - although he married a radiographer. when I told him he swore - a word I had never heard him use before.

Neither have asked me much about anything, my mum asked me loads - I think some men just can’t cope with the enormity of it all. And this of men aged 70 and 45!

Amateur psychologist that I am, your son may be feeling guilty that he has much to be happy about - marriage and a baby - when you’re having such a shocking time.

You know your son better than anyone - but my advice would be to write to him - give him a final update on your health and say that if he wants to know more then all he needs to do is ask - you’re happy to tell him (sort of draw a line under the volunteered updates). Tell him how you feel that you would love to be part of his family (because when men marry and have kids their ‘family’ focus changes from being a son to being the head of the household). Congratulate him and his fiancee on their impending parenthood. I know he’s your son - but they come as an item now. I do think Dilly may be right about the ‘he’s mine now’ behaviour from his fiancee - so if you include her - that’s acknowledging that. he’ll always be your son. Also I would express your daughter’s disappointment at not being a bridesmaid - but money may be tight.

Of course - this is all very easy for me to say. And my heart goes out to you. I would just say that we all have needs: you, him, his fiance, your grandchild to be, your other children, it’s balancing them that’s the tricky part. But if you leave the door open for him to come back without losing face, then there is a chance he’ll take you up on the offer…

Izzy x

Thanks Hi,
Thankyou for your replies there is some good advice in all of them.
I still havent written back to my son yet as Im still composing the letter so I wont offend either of them.
Its a difficult situation as I have involved both of them throughout this damn difficult time, I suppose he is scared as my mum and my husbands mum both passed away with cancer so I can see its a bit too close to home with me having it too.
I have told him that Im looking forward to the wedding,my daughters said it doesnt really bother her now, because by the time my son gets married she will be eighteen and can drink,get drunk and not worry about showing them up because she would have had to behave being a bridesmaid. My youngest son who will be nearly fourteen by the time they do get married is still a slight worry but I will do my best to persuade him that it all has to be put behind us so we can start afresh.
Thankyou once again
Love Julie xx

not wishing to pry… but do let us know how you get on…

And if you ever need to let off steam - here’s as good a place as any. I hope you enjoy the wedding - and being a grandma!!!


Izzy xx