My beautiful wife was diagnosed with secondaries to lungs, liver and brain just over a year ago. Up til now I’ve been really strong for her and the children but I’m starting to weaken. Does anybody have any advice? PLEASE
Dear rizzer
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, our helpline also offers support for partners, please feel free to contact them on our free phone helpline on 0808 800 6000, there is someone to talk to in confidence about how you are feeling at the moment. Everyone on our helpline either has experience of breast cancer or is a breast care nurse. The team comes from a variety of backgrounds, so callers get to talk to someone who has an understanding of the issues they’re facing. The team is able to talk about both technical and emotional issues surrounding breast cancer. The lines are open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm I hope this is of some help to you.
Kind regards
Katie
Moderator
Hi Rizzer
So sorry to hear about your wife. I was diagnosed 3 years ago with secondaries (spine and liver) and have fantastic support from my husband (sounds as though you’re there for your wife as well).
It is hard for those around us and I think you (as our partners/husbands etc) do get forgotten about and the fears and anxieties that you also have. My husband told me recently that he used to stop the car (when he was by himself) and just have a cry because he felt so scared.
None of us knows what’s round the corner and sometimes that the scary thing because we want to look to the future but it’s not always easy when we have secondaries but I know one thing, and that’s that I’m glad I have such a brilliant and supportive husband and we are very open and honest with each other. Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel?
The other thing, as Katie says, is think about having a talk to the breast care nurse as they do have a network of support that might help you. Also (and I have no experience of this) but I don’t know whether CarersUK might be able to support you as well?
Sorry that I haven’t been able to offer much help but really feel for you.
Take care.
Pinkdove
x
You don’t have to be strong and positive all the time. I think in some ways it is harder looking on at someone else’s pain. I remember rejecting all help from everyone as I said to them they couldn’t take away the pain or undergo treatment for me. So any amount of sympathy was sadly wasted on me. You need time for yourself and maybe I would read something like “the luxury of time” and “you can’t take it with you” which is by Jane and mike Tomlinson, Mike Tomlinson, jane’s husband is very honest about his failings as a perfect spouse, he’s always going off to football or the pub at times Jane wants him to give her support. I’m afraid sometimes you have to let people down
Mole
Hi Rizzer,
Just wanted to offer some support though haven’t got much practical to offer. I think being strong and brave does catch up with us all in the end, and we need to go with the feelings for our own sanity. I read somewhere that in our situation couples often ‘take it in turns’ to be the strong one, allowing the other to be wobbly for a bit. I wonder how your wife is at the moment and whether this is just that natural balancing act going on?
Either way, there is loads of support on here and out there for you, from macmillan nurses, breast care nurses, Maggie’s centres, GPs etc. A lot of places will let you just go for an informal chat, without having to commit yourself to counselling.
Are there friends or family around who can share your burden? Are you and your wife sharing your feelings and being ‘wobbly’ together? Do you need support in talking to the children?
Reading the secondaries threads on here could be uplifting and supportive too!
I really hope you find some help that suits your needs at this time.
All the best
Jacquie
Alright Mate
your are not weaking your just being a human being. who can take so much in the way of seeing his wife ill. and trying to do all the right things in the way of her.
I can only explain this as towards my own experience concerning my wife , I so called weakened the millisecond the Dr said cancer and I have been weak every hour and every day in that respect, for 2 years Its a lonely road being the husband who’s wife has cancer , we are the ones who take their tears into the night ,when nobodys around because we know how they feel but; Men arent allowed to cry , be upset, you may feel? but we are !
Please talk to the mc millian nurse dealing with your wife they are so understanding , non judgemental, they listern
may your God take care of you both and your family
neil