Nearly a year has gone by and no clue what planet my brain now resides on

[floss2]

Hi,

A year ago next week I found the lump. I had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy and now on tamoxifen. I’ve been incredibly lucky, it could’ve been a lot worse - stage 1, grade 2 hormone positive. Boob feels unpleasant, tamoxifen side effects have settled for now and are bearable. Waiting to find out when my first annual check will be.

When I was diagnosed it was like my brain exploded. Here’s the interesting twist - on the back of my operation I reconnected with an old flame and we are head over heels and looking forward to a life together. Obviously when I think about that I sensibly think this may be short lived because the cancer may return - but I’m so lucky to have him right now. Life is complicated because I’m very unhappily living with my ex - stuck together out of financial necessity for the last few years to support our child. This gets me down but there is a way out - it is just a year or more off at the moment.

I’m also struggling with being unhappy at work, but too scared to leave because I need the financial benefits in the event the cancer did return.

So I have had a lot on, aside from the cancer - positive and negative.

I was wondering if anyone can relate to not knowing quite where their brain is at anymore? I’m usually very together and I’m good at coping with things. But it never got the chance to regroup after diagnosis because of falling in love and then home going tits(!) up on the back of this. I can’t separate out these three big things - and the inevitable concern about the possible return of the cancer and the looming first annual review.

Did anyone else feel like their brain exploded at the point of diagnosis and actually manage to get it functioning again? I’ve thought about the moving forward course.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I hope your journey is being as kind as it can be to you.

Xx

[greenqueen]

Friday will mark a year since my official diagnosis. I don’t think I ever processed it really. It never felt like I was in danger of dying and the treatment (surgery, chemo and radio) bumbled along quite nicely. Reconnected with some old friends along the way, and found out how much some people care. I didn’t even mind losing my hair.

I hit a low point after treatment ended. Struggled with my looks changing (hair regrowth is slow and an unsightly colour), developed oedema in my breast, and had to go back to work. Hormone treatments have been challenging. It’s like, everything was on pause for a bit and I was in a bit of a bubble. Pressing play meant dealing with all the crap I’d been dealing with before with work and childcare/elderly parent care while feeling more depleted in myself. I’m slowly crawling my way out of it again. Trying to prioritise things that bring me joy.

I tried the Moving Forward course but didn’t get anything out of it. A lot of the other participants seemed to want to ‘trauma dump’ and tbh I had compassion fatigue. I was also the youngest there by quite a few years and found it hard to relate to many of the issues raised. Think with a good cohort and a good facilitator it would work better.

Good luck to you going forward!

x