Hi
I’ve got through everything since diagnosis in September - full mastectomy and axillary clearance, a worse diagnosis. Chemo is well underway. I’ve felt very proud of how I’ve managed (basically a policy of accept, don’t ask too many questions and get through it). I also have an incredibly supportive husband though, unfortunately, he can’t hide his anxiety, an anxiety I just don’t share.
Now I find myself at a nadir and just want to curl up and disappear. I responded badly to side effects from the start (‘one of the unlucky few’ according to the oncologist). I got through the 3 x EC, experiencing a couple of ‘normal’ days in each cycle, but ended the course with neutropoenia and neutropoenic sepsis. 4 days in hospital when I didn’t even feel ill after the first night, plus a couple of blood transfusions, got me back to ok and I was able to stay on schedule and start my 9 weekly Paclitaxel treatments. I’ve had 5 - light at the end of the tunnel and only radiotherapy after that - but it’s sucking the life out of me. The oncology nurse cancelled this week’s chemo on the basis that I’m ‘running on depleted resources.’ And that sums me up. I’ve gone from the sleeves-rolled-up, I-can-do-this position to wishing I didn’t exist. I spend all day every day spitting foamy saliva into a mug (or feeling I’m drowning in saliva thinner than water - it varies), I have a 3 week old tongue ulcer that won’t heal and makes eating difficult. Food tastes and feels vile most of the time but I am doing my best. My weight’s dropped to under 6 and a half stone (from 8st) and I have a pressure sore on my coccyx that I dread will open (it’s close). I’ve experienced some numbness from the Paclitaxel but nothing debilitating and it comes and goes. My mood is very unpredictable and I’m embarrassed to say I screamed hysterically at my husband yesterday, something I have never done in my 67 years of life (I don’t even cry)! I don’t know who I am any longer and don’t have the physical or mental energy to do anything. I’m seeing the oncologist on Friday to review the treatment programme and I just don’t feel I can take any more.
Sorry for the moan - I hate pity parties. I know my thinking has gone wrong and my morale is low. I need someone to tell me this awfulness does go away after chemotherapy finishes and that it’s normal to go through bad patches. Or I need a good kick up the a***.