I am a naturally optimistic person but my cancer journey so far is making me dwell on worst case scenarios.
each time i have an appointment I think its not going to be the worst , and every bloody time it has been. Secondary mammogram, diagnosed with non invasive lump in left breast, then second lump in left breast, then MRI, then lobular found in right breast, then ‘trace’ of cancer found in left lymph nodes , now awaiting CT scan to see if it has spread. I have a good support system but ( as they know me so well) they are jollying me along and looking on the bright side.
I need to come on here to be honest and say i am scared, i feel overwhelmed with negative thoughts and I am exhausted by smiling through Xmas.
Team meeting on 2nd Jan bit no further appt made until they know what treatment i need.
Sorry for long, depressing post but I feel better for ‘saying’ it aloud!
glad it’s helped you having here to write your feelings down this is your safe space where everyone understands and listens and just gets it 
Shi xx
Hello Pongo1 and welcome
The diagnosis stage is by far the worse step in my opinion. There is so much waiting. Results can change as they get more tests done. Once you get a treatment plan, things will feel a bit more controlled. Most people get the sense of relief that there is a plan, and hopefully the long term prognosis is better than you initially worried about.
Hang in there a bit longer, hopefully as the New Year approaches it will get better for you x
You’re definitely not alone. I was distraught for a very long time (still have my moments, even though there’s a basic plan organised, as these things can suddenly change).
CT scans can show up things you weren’t aware of that if not explained properly can cause alarm (my insensitive surgeon told me I had two “additional growths” elsewhere in my body, while I was admitted to A&E and in a highly vulnerable state of mind, they ended up being an adrenal nodule that needs nothing and an ovarian cyst that while needs surgery is unlikely to be anything else. But I’d assumed he meant secondary cancer and so early in the process when I knew so little it was terrifying).
If I can’t say certain things to my loved ones I vent on here too (I try and balance it with some levity but that’s not what this place is for). The forums are where you don’t need to censor yourself, we all get it.
If it helps you please use the forums, better than holding things in (you’ll end up like a pressure cooker otherwise).
Hi
I’m also waiting for a ct scan, the dr has already confirmed bc with lymph notes involved. The worry is awful. I have the scan tomorrow then will have to wait a week or so for results. Op is 24 jan (mastectomy). I’m hoping the ct scan is clear for both of us. Do you have any other symptoms?
I haven’t had any symptoms- just a routine mammogram that showed ‘something ‘up. I have sore breasts now but thats the biopsies and one was pretty rough. The waiting to hear is a nightmare isn’t it - putting a brave face on and trying to turn down any ‘what if’ thoughts is sooo tiring! Do you feel this too? Any other symptoms for you?
I don’t have any other symptoms but my mind goes wild thinking the worst. It feels so cruel to make people wait for so long
I understand the reasoning behind waiting but I agree it’s excruciating. I have no follow up appointment so feel a bit up in the air.
For me the initial meeting in October was upbeat and positive, “caught early, slowgrowing, we will just whip it out and you can get back to normal in fact you can enter a trial and delay surgery…” then MRI found more cancer in both breasts and lymph nodes… Felt like a pin cushion at times…so many biopsies. Wide excision lumpectomy and lymph node clearance on 4th Jan. Deffo radiotherapy, possibly chemo dependent on genetic test results and oncotype testing.
I have got used to idea of surgery now. Have a friend who has had a cosmetic breast reduction and somehow is reassuring that ppl do this voluntarily.
It took me a full 3 days to say, ”hang on…does this mean I am a cancer patient?” after the diagnosis so I totally agree on surrealism/out of body experience and the rollercoaster of emotions. We will all get through this.
It’s not unusual to go through a phase where every new piece of information feels like another brick is being knocked out of the wall. When this was happening to me I tried to reframe it in terms of the more they know, the more they can help. It will hopefully feel better when you have a treatment plan.
Thank you - it’s the waiting for treatment to start and not knowing if chemo first, then mastectomy or vice versa. Thanks for replying x I took advice off another thread on here and had a lovely walk around a local NT property. Didn’t think about ‘stuff’ all day.
I keep joking that I want pert boobs (I’m 60 so that ship has long sailed ) but at my last meeting with BC nurse she started taking about reconstruction and I couldn’t take any more info in so I asked if we could talk about it nearer the time. I am not googling ( reading posts on here all saying don’t google!) - like you I need to get my head round actually having cancer before I k any further in. Thanks for replying x
Not long and definitely not depressing. This shit is hard. There are so many decisions to make and sometimes our decisions are made for us depending on our symptoms, etc. I’m the type that usually plans for the worst while hoping for the best. When I was dxed this time with a recurrence and went down the track of searching for mets you better believe I was fried. I joke a lot so that is what I was doing, while crying inside. It’s a weird feeling and for me I thought I am way to young to know the way I am going to die. Turns out it wasn’t Stage IV, but there were other things that sucked. This stuff is hard… first time second time and anytime. They also know far less about who gets it, when we get it and why we get it. You’d think after all these years they’d be closer to some better answers. I guess what I want to say is if you just take some deep breaths, let go of some of the control, things will work though. In a year from now you may even be one of those who kinda forget you ever had this. I did for 14 years.
Thanks -the bit about smiling but crying inside really resonated. I am keeping busy and taking mild sleeping pill as I’m physically knackered but brain whirrs as soon as i get into bed. I AM going to celebrate the New Year ( just me and my other half) because i know there will still be moments of joy along the journey ahead x thank you for replying x
Dear Pongo1, I just wanted to say what you are experiencing is miserable, real and viseral and if it helps, that was mine and many women’s experience. Everytime i visit the hospital, i say to my husband ‘what is the most unlikely thing we could expect’. We never get it right. Last time it was that the CT scan showed i had a cracked rib - who knew? Been today to see the Oncolgist and been told to stay on two pathways at the sametime. Ho hum. Sending you very best wishes for what is a horrible period of our lives.
Thank you for replying - just waiting to hear next steps and like you, I keep imagining scenarios and none of them have panned out so far. Hey ho - I need to be a bit more Zen but maybe not ideal time to learn how to do this . A cracked rib? Hope its not too painful x
I feel your pain…
I’ve just had surgery and am waiting radiotherapy
I’m so bloody angry and aggressive- think partly due to coming off HRT
I’m fed up of people saying I’m strong! I’m not bloody strong I’ve got no choice
I feel like I’m looking down on myself!
I’m 60 and still working ( in an NHS hospital)
My bosses have made no concessions whatsoever… I was back at work a week after surgery as they told me (jokingly ha ha ha) to get my arse back in…
The emotional side of this is horrendous 
So sorry to hear you not being given support you need. That must make a tough situation even tougher. Weirdly I haven’t felt angry so far … just numb. Like you I almost feel like this is happening to someone else especially since I haven’t had outcome of CT so not started treatment . Think it will feel very real once i have my treatment plan. Hug for you.
@pongo1 I know the feelings you’re having. For me I started feeling better once the questions were all answered and there was a plan in place. Your friends just don’t understand the depth of what you are experiencing. While I’m glad communicating here helps you might want to pick one or two of your friends and just share that you are in melt down mode and you need them to acknowledge your fear, hug you, and of course keep supporting you. If my experience holds true for you then you will feel stronger once a plan is in place. Sending love and strength virtually❤️
Thank you - good advice which I am going to take. Team meeting (clinicians)today so hoping I will get an appointment fairly soon. I am going to a close friends house for coffee so think I will do what you suggest and give it a try. Thanks x