I finished all my treatment end of Oct '08 which consisted of 6 months of chemo, mast + immed recon and two months of radio. I am 43 and originally dx with a 3.5cm triple negative, grade 3 primary tumour.
Anyway, I collected my daughter from pre-school the other week and after one of the mothers innocently asking me how I am, I seemed to pour out all my emotions about having BC and all the treatment I had recently gone through and my fears about the future and whether I will ultimately survive this. I really don’t know what made me do this as I hardly know the lady in question and it really wasn’t the time nor the place to put my all my emotional baggage on a complete stranger. I do recall a complete look of horror on her face whilst I was talking, but in my outburst of emotions, this didn’t seem to register in my conscious and I just carried on and on. Since then, this lady has completely and utterly gone out of her way to avoid me - even at a recent birthday party for one of the children - she decided to stand at the opposite side of the room to me. Also, we came face to face outside the school one day and she said that she had to run as she had an urgent errand, but then I saw her talking to another mum. I have never felt like such an outcast and realise that not everyone wants to hear about cancer and its effects - I now deeply, deeply regret my outpourings of emotion and realise that you have to choose your audience carefully as it can somewhat backfire.
That doesn’t make you a freak Oscar1. Strange perhaps to open up so much to a virtual stranger but time and circumstances made it so you got to unload your feelings and fears without the need or time for a response from this lady. Maybe it will end up in a good friendship in the end as funny how things work out. Many people do not initially know how to respond to cancer and perhaps for some it is a challenge to their own mortality when someone young is affected.
For further support and a ‘listening ear’ please call our helpline, they can also refer you onto other support we can offer you such as our ‘Peer Support’ service. This telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. Our peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding.
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Sometimes it’s easier to off load to a stranger than a close friend - perhaps we’re too afraid of upsetting those we love? Don’t beat yourself up about this incident. If it was me and I was going to to keep seeing this lady at school perhaps I would just say ‘thanks for listening the other day, sorry if i went on a bit but it really helped me…’ or if not you could just send her a card saying something similar. I am absolutly NOT suggesting you need to appologise for your outpouring but it might make life easier for you. If she is any sort of a decent human being she will reflect on her reaction and be more understanding.
cheers
caroline.
All I can say is “S**** happens” … just forget about it and learn from it … as you have done … in time you will laugh about it - but not yet…
It’s quite surprising what is lurking inside that just pops out when we least expect it … it’s just one of those BC things …
Although I have to say I used to work on a Saturday in a local shop when I was very young and you would BE AMAZED what people told me following a mumbled “how are you today…?” … some of it was unbelievable …e.g. "do you think my husband might be sleeping with my best friend??? what does one say when only 16 herself!!!
In terms of this woman - the best thing to do is not look worried in her presence - you’ll just compound it - just act confident and hope for the best …
… you could try a direct approach and just explain that you’ve been through a lot and you don’t normally talk about it and it all popped (nearly typoed “pooped”) out! … if she doesn’t understand then s*d her anyway … she’s not worth it and you haven’t spent your time getting through treatment to be dealing with her …
… far worse things have happened than this …
chin up and chest out and a big smile and forget it!
love FBXx
I think Caroline’s suggestion is a really good one - write a brief card saying how much it helped you to talk and you hope it didn’t freak her out too much as you obviously aren’t going to do that again. If she doesn’t react well to that then she really isn’t worth worrying about - some people just can’t cope with other people’s emotions, as they probably have never dealt with their own!
You’re worth too much to be worrying about her!
I started to off load to the bra measure upper lady in M&S, its strange how we can talk to complete strangers better then our closest ones. On the otherside for you, she may be struggling to know what the right thing is to say to you and avoiding you for those reasons rather than not wanting to hear you offload again if that makes sence. I would try not to dwell too much on her reactions, just be yourself and try chatting again, but just about general stuff and not mentioning the BC or as has been suggested above.
Don’t worry too much though, you are the important one!!!
Hi Oscar1
I’m with fizbiz- forget it.
I have lunch with a group of friends regularly- we have all had cancer and only the other month we were saying how we seem to feel the need to tell total strangers how we have had cancer-its SO out of character as well.
I think that going through the treatments and the scary process affects us much more than we consciously realise and sometimes we come out with the most awkward comments at the most innappropriate times. I feel for your embarrassment, but I really think if you do or say anything you will feel worse.
You WILL be able to laugh about it eventually, but make no excuses for you behaviour- i think its perfectly normal and natural and it happens to us all
Best Wishes
Katyx
I’ve managed to stop doing this since I had some counselling.
In my case I was initially told I didn’t have cancer and all of my test results were clear; my lump was a fibroid and when I had it removed it was hiding a tumour. I had developed this thing of telling people I had undergone treatment for BC and would then make a big point of saying I was initially misdiagnosed. I didn’t even realise I was doing it and it was my husband who gently pointed it out to me as he thought it was affecting my life in a big way. It hadn’t really registered with me how I was doing this on automatic pilot and it was affecting my confidence.
Since I had counselling I have put the issue behind me and am able to view things differently. I have come on in leaps and bounds from where I was 9 months ago and I was very grateful to my oncologist for getting seen by a psychologist quickly. I had never met her before, so in a lot of ways it was like unburdening myself to a stranger, but this time one who was qualified to deal with the issue. The problem with this disease is you think you can put your life back on track after the treatment, but you don’t realise how much fallout there is going to be.
Dear Oscar1,
Please don’t beat yourself up over this. I was once on the recieving end of something similar many years ago. I was having my hair done on my wedding day …I really don’t remember the exact way that the conversation went but she told me straight out that she had cancer that could not be treated and would die very soon. I really couldn’t think of a word to say at that moment. (I was 23 , she was double that at least) I was very sad for her especially as I was happy/excited but I didn’t let it affect my day.
I feel now that I am glad she felt she could tell me and know from her expressions she didn’t really plan it to come out how it did and I know it wasn’t personal to me and that she didn’t “need me to do anything” about what she had said,
I know this is slightly different as you maybe see the lady more often than I had to. Be kind to yourself as we all say things we wished we hadn’t at some time or other. I would would go with Mandy or Redders suggestions and then try not to dwell on it,
kind regards,
V.
Thank you ever so much to all you lovely ladies who have taken the time to reply to my post - it means so much. I now don’t feel quite so bad about offloading all my emotions to this lady and realise that it was just a side effect of me trying to come to terms with this new BC world I find myself living in. This new world certainly seems a different place to me now - one that I am somewhat unsure of - one where my future is a bit hazy - a world that is at the moment in black and white when it used to be in full glorious technicolour.
I guess it is hard for someone who hasn’t had a cancer dx to really understand, so I have decided just to really talk about it to someone who has gone through the same thing - at least then they wouldn’t be embarrassed, so might not feel that I have put them in an awkward situation. Thanks again and best wishes to you all xx.
I had a similar diagnosis to you; grade 3 tumor with spread to lymph nodes except that mine was extremely sensitive to oestrogen. I had 6 months of chemo then mx and lymph node clearance (could not have immediate recon because of the radiotherapy that followed). Like you I have fears about the future but feel that the support I have received on these forums is far better than any counselling as everyone jumps in with the benefit of their own experience.
I feel that the woman you poured your heart out to is probably more embarrassed about herself and perhaps didn’t know what to say or felt she might sat something inappropriate so certainly don’t dwell on this or make yourself feel bad about it.x
Hi Oscar
If it helps to know I had a very similar experience to yours. I too blurted out ‘stuff’ and have never seen such a look of fear on another mums face!. I went up to her a couple of days later and apologised and said something along the lines of ’ I would never intentionally say something to make you feel uncomfortable’ she later phoned me and offered many kind words of support and we have since become quite good friends. I think that some people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they feel avoidance is the best tactic when really we all know that’s a worse approach. I know there will be a few people on here who think it’s crap to have to be the one to make the concession after all we’ve been through and whereas I do agree with that in principle the olive branch approach worked for me. I have also come to the conlusion through all of this that there are some people out there who will never be supportive. If it makes you feel better to approach this woman either through speaking to her or a written note then it might be worth it to build bridges and at least you’ll know you’ve tried. If after this she still avoids you then as with the advice above I’d say stuff her she would not be a worthy friend anyway.
Good luck xx
As an expert in engaging mouth before brain, I can only say leave it behind you. We have all said something and wished there was a rewind button but we know that with this disease. life is too short to have regrets more than ever now.
Write a short note as suggested but don’t beat yourself up about it anymore. Show yourself a bit of forgiveness.