First time posting here, my wife got diagnosed yesterday and I already feel a total mess!
I can only hope this gets easier over time, I can’t even read the booklets and other info we’ve been given without breaking down. I did try going into work today but, in the end a totally pointless exercise and was basically told by the boss to go home.
My wife is being fantastic though. She is a nurse so, has a far better understanding of the procedures involved and I think this is helping her cope. As for me, the whole thing scares the life out of me.
Must admit, I’m feeling a bit of a ‘wuss’ at the moment, she’s coping far better than I am and is supporting me far more than I feel I’m supporting her at the moment.
Sorry for your wife’s diagnosis, and for your obvious distress. It’s a helluva shock for everyone in the family, not just the person with cancer, so don’t beat yourself up about going into meltdown for a while. There are some partners and other family members who come on here and post, but us BC ladies will be very happy to try to help you through this and help you to regain your balance. I’m sure your wife is more worried about you and the family than she is about herself, but you’ve done exactly the right thing by coming here to get a bit of support. Well done, and thank you for being such a caring husband.
As for falling to bits when reading the booklets, yep, been there done that. And it’s OK to feel like that, really it is. A bomb has gone off in your life so you’re bound to be suffering the shock, don’t be too hard on yourself, there’s no rush to read them all by lunchtime. If you do feel you want to dip in, the Publications section on this site is very good and has lots of information available for when you’re ready to look for it. Try to stay away from google when you do start looking as there’s a lot of stuff out there that is sensationalist, single-issue, out of date or downright incorrect, so stick to reputable sites such as this one, Macmillan, Cancer Research, that kind of thing.
Keep posting if you have any questions, or even if you just want to rant and rave at how (^(*&%*&^% unfair it all is, you’ll have listening ears. And you might want to offer your wife the odd cup of tea and a cuddle (if she’s that kind of person of course!) just to show her how you feel about her. There will be times when she will need you to be there to support her, and I have no doubt you’ll be very well able to when she needs you to.
Almost forgot - either of you or both of you might find the helpline really useful, as you get to speak to a real voice rather than just reading them. Do give them a ring, the number’s at the top of the page.
Just wanted to re-iterate what chocciemuffin has said. My husband felt very much the same way. You will be able to cope with this together. Keep talking and keep yourself busy and treat yourselves every day. I have a stack of information booklets under my bed which I only look at once I’m ready to find out something.
The support here is brilliant, dip in and out when you feel up to it.
Hi Iffy, so sorry your wife got the rotten diagnosis - this is going to be tough on both of you, but you will get through.
My other half found it very hard to start with, luckily had friends at work whose wives had gone through this previously, so was able to talk to them, and whilst he carried on working for the first few months, he’s just been signed off for a month, ostensibly to help me through the latter part of chemo, but more for his own sake - he finds it very hard not to ‘do’ things to help, and with breast cancer, there is no big stick he can chase the bad guys away with!
He hasn’t read anything much about it, but has been a huge support by coming with me to each consultation appointment, and being there through each chemo session, and just generally picking up the slack around the house/childcare when I’ve not been up to it. Which hasnt been all that often, but it has made a huge difference to me ‘knowing’ that I don’t have to do it all. For me, that’s the best support there is - which may help you to help your wife out.
A cancer diagnosis is a massive shock - don’t expect to come to terms with it over night - it can take weeks, or it sometimes never really sinks in at all. One day at a time is the best way for now - and allow yourself to feel/think/cry/rant when you need to - just hang onto the thought that you will be able to laugh again too… sooner than you might think.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions/vent/whatever on here - and CM is right - don’t try to second guess a diagnosis by googling etc etc - wait until you have the information specific to your wife’s cancer, then do the research if needs be. There are so many different varieties/sizes/grades/specifications that you simply cannot know what treatment will be required until all biopsy results are done - it may be that very little treatment is required, so don’t upset yourself further until you know what you are both facing.
I’ve been such a wuss, since my wife was diagnosed late last summer and it seemed like the end of the world the way it was turning out, but now after ops, chemo, worries my wife has just begun rads.
All i can say is try and be strong with one another and you will get through it and as others have said all the ‘official’ lines of support have been fantastic whenever we have needed to try and find anything out,
Good luck with it all, best wishes Les
Hi all,
I don’t think there’s any such thing as a “wuss” where cancer is concerned. When I was first diagnosed, my OH and I went outside the hospital and he cried while I patted his back! We all cope with this rotten illness differently, there is no right or wrong way and I’m sure you’ll be there for her when she needs you to be.
Sending big hugs
Laraine xx
I am sorry to read about your wife’s diagnosis and just wanted to say that you are both welcome to call our helpline where you can talk things through with someone in confidence. The line is open 9-5 weekdays and 9-2 Sat on 0808 800 6000.
We were warned that this would be an emotional rollercoaster, and boy, were they right - beats anything Alton Towers can offer!
In just two days I’ve been through denial, acceptance, fear, anxiety and anger. I’ve hit the problem head on with humour, tears and probably an unhealthy amount of bad language!
One thing I have come to realise is that the cancer itself is not my main fear - I can read about that all day. What I am really struggling with is reading about the different medical procedures my wife will have to endure. I’m not the best at dealing any medical procedure she goes through, I nearly passed out at during the biopsy even though I wasn’t watching what was going on, being in the same room was enough! We watched a short video about the breast reconstruction yesterday, all done with computer graphics and not live video and still turned into a six-foot blubbering mess by the end of it!
So, now I have decided, I’m not going to read much about the procedures involved and concentrate purely on being an emotional rock for her. We both decided that is the best way, as long as I know simply what she is having done and when rather than the gruesome details of what the procedure involves, I can stay stronger for her and give her the support she needs.
Your wife is a very lucky lady to have a rock like you. Well done. And while you don’t need to know all the ins and outs of the assorted surgical procedures, it would be good if you learn the potential side-effects so you can prepare yourself to get your catching mitts on, for example the tiredness from rads, or the nausea and assorted other SEs from chemo, if she’s having those. I think the surgical stuff is the worst to deal with if you have a tendency to keel over so your strategy sounds like the perfect thing for you as a couple.
Good luck, it’s not going to be easy but you’ll get through it. And do keep posting if you find it helpful.
Since the diagnosis, my wife has been writing a blog with me chipping in here and there with my view of things (see the comments to some of the posts).
Even if reading our experiences help a newly diagnosed lady or help a spouse wondering if what he is feeling is ‘the right thing’ then at least there may be a positive out of this awful situation.
Hi Iffy, I think you are in one of the two worst bits just at the moment. There’s the period between appointment and results, and the period between results and knowing what is going to happen.
Once the treatment plan is sorted it does get a little easier, as you know things are happening.
We were in your position in June last year. My wife was diagnosed and treatment started in July. Between then and now it has been pretty full-on - chemo was first for her, which worked well even if the side efects were unpleasant. Next was surgery - on the 23rd December - and the final stage was radiotherapy which finished yesterday. To mark that finishing we went to our favourite restaurant last night.
It now feels a little weird in that we were used to having a number of appointments in the diary, with weeks if not months planned out!
I think I am happier about that than she is - I don’t have to take her for doctors to do unpleasant things anymore.
We are all different, and need different information to get through this, along with different approaches.
I thrive on information - by day I am a serious geek - so for me knowing what was happening helped. The important thing is o get info from your docs rather than google! Google can help with information once you have the details to start from.
One common theme among male partners is that we are used to fixing things, and this is something we can’t fix so we feel helpless.
If you have children make sure you are familiar with all the routines - getting ready for school, taking them, picking them up. Make sure you know how to use the washing machine if you don’t - it can help a lot doing things like that. One good thing to come out of this for me is that I am now closer to our boys.
Due to the inefficiency of the hospital and a rather to casual approach from the Oncologist, the treatment plan has had to change dramatically and any choice my wife had has now been removed.
The original plan was for a mastectomy followed by immediate reconstruction - my wife’s preferred choice. Problem was that the hospital seemed unable to be able to set a date for the surgery. Orginally the 21st March was tentatively put forward then they thought that the 14th (a Monday)would be possible, even up to an appointment we had on the 11th March (a Friday) they were still were confident that they would be able to operate on the following Monday but could still could not confirm. It was only in a phone call received later on the 11th that they then said that the operation would now be on the 4th April! Not happy abou that one.
The problem is that over the last week or so, the tumor has started growing rapidly, something that the Oncologist said that there was little risk of happening - this same oncologist ‘strongly suspected’ that the tumor was a cyst on the first ever appointment and then felt there was little risk of the cancer spreading to the lymph - it did!
So now consequently, the treatment plan has been forced to change. Now, my wife faces Chemo starting this Friday with the surgery now not happening until September/October with no immediate reconstruction possible - exactly the one situation my wife did not want.
So now, on top of the battle with the cancer, we now have to (as recommended by the different oncologist we saw today) contend with PALS and any other legal channels for dealing with the fallout caused by the delay in treatment and the distress and upset the change in treatment plan has caused.
My wife was not offered any option of immediate reconstruction.
Apparently if there is to be further treatment, the reconstruction can either be affected by further treatment (particulalrly radiotherapy) or mask things a little.
There is a benefit to chemo first - you can see how effective chemo is being. In my wide’s case the chemo was so effectrive that the tumour was undetectable on the scans planning surgery.