Hi lovely people!
This is my first post so apologies if in the wrong place. I just wanted to say hi and have a little pity party - fancy joining?
Diagnosed with DCIS in right breast in Dec, er+ pr+ her-, initially planned for lumpectomy then 5 days of radiotherapy. Felt so lucky as caught early and surgery day before my 42nd birthday. I kept myself positive through December and for my 9 year old and husband. 70 yr old Mum also going through treatment for bladder cancer and didn’t want to add to burden.
Anyway, first surgery done, no lymph node involvement - yey! But graded higher when lump taken out and biopsied and didn’t get clear margins so just gone back in for second surgery a couple of days ago. Results in 2 weeks as well as oncotype score for possible chemo. When Oncotype came up it was at a late appointment with just surgeon and no breast care nurse and he was so devoid of emotion and didnt explain what the Oncotype was or why the change to plan of treatment but now I understand its to mop up and reduce chance of recurrence. But it wasn’t originally mentioned as the lump biopsy didnt show as being so aggressive. I’m fast learning treatment changes on us all time from posts here!
So I’ve had my second short surgery to shave a bit more off the site and I’m 2 days past that. No pain at all. Sleeping and eating fine.
HOWEVER I’m utterly miserable! I sit around all day feeling tired and can’t get energy up to do anything. Listening to audiobooks, sitting in the sun, holding back from dog walks or doing anything too physical knowing that despite lack of pain the wound needs to heal. I can’t seem to work out what to do with myself to cheer up? I’m not tearful at the moment, but I just feel stuck and annoyed. Is this something anyone else has had?
I am so grateful it has been relatively simple compared to what others have faced but I feel confused about what my priorities should be with years of work to go and now this sense of mortality and how to ‘live my best life’ knowing I will go back to work in a week or so, then have yet another appointment. And a child to pick up and take to clubs. And instead of being happy I just don’t want to do any of it.
I have taken birth control for years (because my periods are so awful and I got PMDD that sent me loopy before a period), and I had to stop because of the hormones of course, so half wonder if its that - my period was back by the time of my first surgery happened - now exactly on time every 28 days. I’m already on sertraline as I get very anxious so don’t think I should increase that.
I find myself wanting to love life and hold it all as so precious and also being very short with daughter and husband despite simultaneously knowing I am so lucky to have them. I sort of want to hide and growl, but I’m bored and cross and want to be windsurfing or trying out new things like a cancer survivor ‘should’, all at the same time.
Anyone got any advice other than to check in at an asylum? Have I lost my marbles? I just feel so…???
