I first went to my doc in 1999 with a large breast lump and was told it was nothing to worry about. Sadly that was just after my father was diagnosed with bowel cancer, and my doc said dad’s diagnosis was making me overly fearful. Had no tests. I wanted to hear it was nothing so left the doc surgery quite happy. Had the lump looked at three times between 2000 and 2007 but repeatedly told nothing to worry about, and not offered any diagnostic tests. Registered at a new doc in 2009 and made an appointment to discuss what I thought were very early menopausal symptoms. New doc wanted to check breasts before prescribing HRT. She referred me to breast clinic to check the lump before proceeding. At that time my dad had just passed away and I was very depressed. I got an appointment at clinic within one week, and a diagnosis of BC the same day. I was devastated, but told it was early stage, and would only need lumpectomy. On day of surgery, I was prepd and actually in theatre, when it was all cancelled because a last minute review of ultrasound pics showed further potential masses. I was rescanned and found to have 3 tumours, none of which showed on mammogram. I did not want MX and briefly refused treatment, doc thought this decision fuelled by depression and losing dad. Eventually had MX and LD reconstruction in May 2009. Had FEC-T chemo with severe allergic reaction. Lost hair within 7 days of first cycle. Hands and feet were so painful and lost finger/toe nails. Blistered all over body. Amount of chemo reduced and soldiered on. Thought that was the end of it but pathology showed significant node involvement. Had ANC in Dec 2009. Just finished Rads. Am having such hard time adjusting. I have not yet looked at the reconstruction, and deeply regret having changed my mind about having treatment. Once started though it was difficult to stop. The emotional burden is wearing and I am grieving for my past life as well as my lost breast. I have met my breast care nurse only a couple of times, but have had tremendous support from my community nurse team and GP. I want to move on and start to feel positive but don’t know how.
Prior to diagnosis I was a student nurse, and had 6 months to go to complete my degree, but had to drop out. Been offered a place back on the course, on part time basis, so will mean 12 months to complete, but have lost all my confidence. Has anybody had a similar experience and how did you cope.
Hi Luggy
I’m really sorry you are feeling so down but it’s completely understandable - you’ve only just finished treatment and it’s been a long road. Give yourself some time for your body and your emotions to recover.
Like you I lost my dad to cancer a couple of months before my dx and still feel as thoough I didn’t have time to grieve for him before BC came along.
I’m a year further on than you but can understand grieving for your past life. It’s no good though - that life has gone for good. It doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy life again though, it’s just different. Everyone has to find their own ways of getting through this. For me my priorities changed and I didn’t want to waste a single minute worrying about what may or may not happen. So I set off enjoying myself and I am. But it’s early days for you and you need to concentrate on some ‘healing time’ first.
It sounds as though the part-time course may be just what you need.
Be kind to yourself and take care.
Mal x
Hi Luggy
As well as the support you receive from the other users you may find it helps to talk things through with one of our trained members of staff on the BCC helpline. Here you will be able to share your fears and concerns with someone who will offer you a listening ear as well as support and information. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm and Saturday 9 to 2pm.
I hope this is helpful
Kind regards
Sam (BCC Facilitator)
I was diagnosed 12 months after my father died; he had a very difficult 2 year struggle with vascular dementia and I’d had to move back to Scotland from London to look after him. 6 weeks prior to my diagnosis we had started a new business, so this was a terrible blow for us.
I know it’s not for everyone, but I wondered if some counselling would help? I was referred by my oncologist as I was suffering from panic attacks, had no concentration and was generally suffering from a lack of confidence. I had 6 sessions spaced out over about 4 or 5 months and the psychologist gave me things to work on. This all helped me to get back some kind of focus. That was back in 2008.
I now work in the web development industry as my OHs project assistant and am about to finish retraining in copywriting. I already handle copywriting for some of the smaller projects of our own and hope to start freelancing for myself in the summer. Last autumn I also started my own food website and I take half a day off every week to do voluntary work. I think if I had not had help along the way I may have had depression by now as I was going round in an ever decreasing circle.
Hi Luggy
So sorry to hear how sad you’ve been feeling. You’ve been through a lot and for such a long period of time. No wonder you feel so down. Your comments about grieving for the person you were and for the loss of your breast struck a chord with me too. I had a mx one month ago and I have been in a grieving situation ever since. I long to be the person I was, with a figure I was proud of and no thoughts of illness and disease to cloud my life. I was healthy and well. Now, I have a recon I’m not happy with and which is presently very uncomfortable and my life has been changed forever. I look at everyone else and feel sad that I’m not like them too. The other day my OH said “but you are like everyone else now because the cancer has been taken away. You are cancer free just like the people you are envying.” I was momentarily taken aback because, yes, he’s right, my cancer has gone (hopefully – but can I really believe it?). But then I realised he’s missed the point. I still feel different, horribly touched by my own mortality, which he hasn’t had to face. My body will never be the same again and the fear of it recurring is always present.
The feelings I am experiencing are like a bereavement. A few years ago I lost my brother and my father within 4 weeks of each other. My father had prostate cancer but his end was hastened by the sudden death of my brother. My present grief is further compounded by the fact that my father was a GP and I know that if he had still been alive he would have been so supportive and informative. My surgical team gave me the least amount of information possible with a minimum of compassion. I felt like an object under my surgeon and my bcn is the jolly hockey sticks type who spends most of consulting time rattling away about issues I have not brought up whilst not listening to my concerns. My father would have been shocked by my treatment and distressed that the only way I could learn about my condition was trawling through the internet and then writing my questions down on paper and forcing the issue with my surgeon to answer them. Going through this experience has brought the loss of my father back again and intensified my sadness.
Mal, you are quite right that it’s pointless mourning for a past that can never come back. I’m so glad you’ve reached that point and seem to be happy. It gives me hope that I’ll get there too.
Luggy, you need to give yourself time. Your course will open up an exciting future for you but don’t feel too disheartened if you can’t do it yet. I can’t bear the thought of returning to work. I’ll be expected to pick up the reins again, to worry about trifling work related issues, in short to be the person I was before this happened to me. I can’t do it yet. Hopefully, I will in the future.
Look after yourself and don’t worry about not being strong. I’ll be thinking about you.
Annys xx
Hi Annys,
After reading your latest post I wondered if a couple of BCC’s publications might be of interest to you, I have put the links below and hope they help.
Your diagnosis, treatment and the future
breastcancercare.org.uk/healthcare-professionals/publications/quick-order-list/*/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/89/
Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator
Thank you Jo for recommending those leaflets. The second one was particularly helpful. Can my bcn send me these leaflets? She gave me a few at the beginning. I know I can download them but my printer is playing up.
Annys x
Hi annys
If you follow the above links where it allows you do download, it also allows you to order leaflets to be sent out to you in the post. No quantity too small and free of charge for all orders under 100. I am glad you have found the information helpful and I hope you do not have to wait too long to receive hard copies.
Best wishes
Poppy