Hi Mel
If it’s any consolation, many of us could have written the same post. I’m so sorry it’s happened to you but the fact is, it has happened and you are probably now on the breast cancer rollercoaster. It’s hard at first but, once you know your diagnosis, things will fall into place and the uncertainty will ease.
It’s important to remember that most cases of breast cancer can be cured so rid yourself of the feeling that you won’t be here for your boys. There will be times when you need their cooperation/help and it’s important to talk to them about their fears, once they know what’s wrong. But it’s too early to be jumping the gun as to what kind of treatment you have so it will be too early to talk to them.
You have, at best, two weeks now before more questions are answered. I say at best because many of us are given a diagnosis, have another test and then receive a revised diagnosis. I had 5 in 4 weeks. I found shock and numbness were my first reactions but acceptance soon followed so my problems were with the treatments, not emotions. Now is the time to put a concerted effort into building up your resilience. You may already have ways to deal with anxiety but, if you haven’t, then running, yoga, mindfulness, meditation, fun with the family - anything to take your mind off things. Calm and Headspace are 2 NHS-endorsed apps that may help. Practising diaphragmatic breathing can help. I use YouTube videos by Progressive Hypnosis and have done for the past 4 years. But you really must commit yourself if you want to develop that resilience that will help you deal with this emotional rollercoaster.
So yes, to answer you question, your reaction is completely normal. Don’t imagine for a minute that those Cancer Warriors you see on tv haven’t had meltdowns. ANY emotion you feel is justified. Fear is not something to be ashamed of - but keep it in a context - fear of what the treatment plan may be is completely normal. Fear as a result of trying to second-guess the future is pointless, a waste of energy. You may feel broken but you aren’t and you wont be. It’s all manageable, believe me - not easy but manageable abd usually nowhere near as bad as you fear.
Make sure you have someone you trust with whom you can talk about what’s happening. Build up a network of helpers - as a single mum, there may be days when you need someone to drive you somewhere, take the boys off your hands, do some cooking… you’ll soon find out what you need once you start treatment. But it’s essential not to do it alone. Cancer can be a lonely experience - but it needn’t be.
Wishing you all the best for whatever lies ahead,
Jan x