Newly diagnosed and it all seems surreal

[jenhopeful]

At the beginning of May I felt a lump, but was sure it must be a cyst or something harmless, yet here I am 3 weeks later trying to get my head around the news that I have bc. At the initial check I had an ultrasound, mammogram and biopsy, with consultant radiologist saying that he was worried and recommended I bring someone with me to the results. That made me wake up to the possibility of cancer and when I was told on Weds that I have a lump measuring 10mm that is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, grade 2, in the moment I felt like I was not surprised. I felt quite positive that I have a type that can be treated and it might be ok in the end.

But now I just feel like I am in a constant haze. I have moments of such sadness, thinking about my children, but mostly I just feel numb. It’s like the world is going on around me, but I am not really too involved.

I had an mri on Friday and they have said 3 weeks for the results. Then I should be given a treatment plan. I have this awful feeling that there is more bad news to come and I am trying not to think too much about the Dr saying my Lymph nodes looked swollen on the ultrasound.

I feel sick when I try to think about how I will tell my children. They are 16, 14 and 9. I keep trying to rehearse the right words, but everything I start with sounds terrible in my head. I won’t tell my kids or parents until I know more and have a treatment plan, but it also feels like a such a big and horrible secret to be keeping from them.

Anyway, I just wanted to share how I am feeling in the hope it might make it feel less surreal and horrible. I wish everyone well on their own journey through this x

[southwest123]

I feel your post so much, @jenhopeful , as I remember the stage you are at so well. It’s the worst. Like you I decided not to tell my children (18 and 16 at the time) until I knew what was happening treatment wise but, I agree, that felt deceitful even though was done for all the right reasons. As it was they took it remarkably well as both had friends whose parents had been through similar and recovered.

I understand what you say about the world going on around you and being in a haze. I came to an almost standstill for the 7 weeks from diagnosis to surgery. With the uncertainty and other things cropping up causing delays I couldn’t think straight and felt so sad working was impossible. After a bit of a funk I forced myself back into my exercise, but cancelled a running event I was meant to be doing as my training had slipped and didn’t go on a booked skiing trip. Turned out I could have done both as my surgery was postponed twice. The one thing I would change, with the benefit of hindsight, would be to have carried on as normally as possible, done things I had planned, and not had those couple of months stolen by this shi**y situation.

Things that helped during that time were exercise (which also helped massively with my recovery and ongoing wellness) and my trusty journal which I used daily to write down how I was feeling and try to get it all out and process. It’s hard to imagine right now, I know, but things do get so much easier once you know what is happening and get treatment underway. x

[jenhopeful]

Thank you @southwest123, that helps. I will keep doing things. I have stopped exercising entirely, not that I was that good anyway, but I will get myself back into doing something. May I ask how and when you told your children. I had already thought that I would tell my 9 year old after I had told my teenagers, just in case they were very emotional and that frightened her x

[southwest123]

I told them once I knew what my treatment plan was so they would know what to expect. I also forewarned them that the results could mean chemo (they didn’t), but wanted to prepare them for that possibility. I deliberately kept my language low key like “a little lump” which they would “whip out” and made sure I acted/spoke in a way that suggested I wasn’t too phased by it (even though I was). I then talked with them about stuff we would be doing in the future once it was all over so it was clear I intended to stick around and it wasn’t catastrophic. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for sometimes. x

[southwest123]

Just to add, they may not respond as you expect. My son made a really inappropriate joke when I told him which I won’t put here as I don’t want to upset anyone. But, for him, and me, it was the perfect response and gave us a huge belly laugh at a tricky time. x

[twinks77]

Hi @jenhopeful I’m so glad you have found this forum as it can be a great source of support and a good place to offload. Most of us will tell you that right now you are in one of the hardest stages, the not knowing and waiting for more information is horrible. I’m sure You will be feeling a wide range of emotions and all of them are necessary and normal.

The time between now and your planning appointment will feel like forever but anything you can do to pass the time will help. I find a daily walk around my local streets to be beneficial, nothing fancy, just 20 minutes of putting one foot in front of the other , but it really helps me. Like @southwest123 I also find journaling helpful and meditation apps are good.

Like you I was diagnosed with an IDC in February and then had to have an MRI and CT for more information. It felt like an absolute age between appointments but here I am now, 9 weeks post surgery and waiting for chemo in June, and it’s almost like it happened in the blink of an eye.

As tempting as it is try to avoid googling. There’s a lot of old misinformation out there. Stick to trusted sources such as breast cancer now, macmillian and cancer research uk. This forum is a mine of help and information too.

Keep reading and posting and ask any questions as there’s always someone here who has been there and done that. You are not alone x

[sassy3]

@jenhopeful i also echo everything you have said! I have my practical head on one minute as its here i have no choice but to deal with it to a wreck who feels alone as the world is carrying on as normal around me! I have just started my treatment and as others have said it feels better once that happens…take care of yourself!

[Curlywurly1]

Hi
Waiting is horrid at all stages of your visits and consultations and my best advice is as many others have said is to distract yourself with doing things be it work, walking, music, cooking , tv etc but if its playing mind games then try some simple breathing or meditation

And if it gets too much talk to your GP, your team or the nurses on here…you aren’t alone

As for telling others including children there is no right way just be prepared with facts and not what ifs… some people react in bizarre ways so you may want to practice saying what you want to say with a partner, spouse, close friend

Macmillan have some useful guides and if you’re near a Maggies centre they can be a blessing

Be kind to yourself
Xx

[eva2]

I was diagnosed with breast cancer (Her2 positive stage 3) in the middle of April. My immediate thought was that I wasn’t going to tell anyone. My surgery was scheduled for 17th May, two days before I was due to go on a cycling trip. I had to tell the 2 girls I was going with and also my partner. Otherwise nobody knows. My three adult children lost their dad to cancer on 2nd April and I just can’t add to their grief. I guess most ladies on this forum will be horrified that I’ve kept it to myself but I want to carry on as normal life as possible. I’m back to gentle exercise and other normal activities. I don’t plan on telling anyone else although maybe I will feel differently in future. Has anyone else felt like I do and kept it to themselves?

[sassy3]

Hi, welcome to the club nobody wants to join! Of course you must do what feels right for you, i only told immediate family at diagnosis, since treatment started only a few people, that is likely how it will stay. See how you feel on your journey, I’m sure there’s no right or wrong way to deal with this. This forum is a great help, it reminds us all we are not alone…sending you best wishes

[naughty_boob]

Hi @jenhopeful

What a lovely user name. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join but you are in a great place on the forum for help and support.

I had to wait 12 weeks from finding a lump to the start of my surgery as an MRI found a second tumour in my other boob. I was told it’s best to get all the information to get the right plan. I was HER2+ as well as ER+ so I needed chemo and Herceptin.

Waiting for your plan and results is as already said a very worrying time. Once you have your plan, it will be all go. BCN website is a source of much information as well as MacMillan, both have helplines should you need to talk to someone. MacMillan is 7 days a week. 8-8 0808 800 000 Dr Liz O’Riordan has loads of YouTube videos that explain loads about breast cancer, she is a breast surgeon diagnosed with breast cancer herself. She has also written a couple of books. The Complete Guide to Breast Cancer with Dr Trisha Greenhalgh was at my side for many months, while on loan from the library.

Here are some BCN resources you may find helpful

• Helpline: 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-4pm; Sat 9am-1pm). Speak to our trained helpline team. No questions are too big or too small.
• Ask Our Nurses: You can message our nurses here on the forum, or confidentially. Whatever you prefer.
• Someone Like Me: Will match you with a trained volunteer who’s had a similar experience to you. They’ll be a phone call or email away to answer your questions, offer support, or simply listen. Call on 0800 138 6551 or contact our email volunteers
• Younger Women Together: For people 45 and under. You can choose the support that suits you: online, one day or 2 day residential events. Find an event.

@eva2 this information will be useful for you. There is a very active HER2+ and need some buddies thread that is very supportive as the treatment goes on longer than chemo.

HER2+ and need some buddies

And she’s back in full form @salbert no holding you back. So pleased the surgery went well and that you pushed to stay in a bit longer. Are we calling you Mrs Posh Boobs now? Take care and rest.

@twinks77 I hope you are recovering well from your surgery. As you are starting chemo soon you may be interested in joining the June Monthly chemo starters thread. I joined two, as my plan changed from chemo first to surgery first. The thread was a great source of support and help with others going through the similar treatment to me.

June 2025 chemo starters

This topic is for anyone starting chemo in June 2025 to share thoughts and feelings in a supportive environment. You can find more info on chemo on our pages: Chemotherapy for breast cancer | Breast Cancer Now

For those asking about telling children, if they are young there are loads of books that are written to help explain. Many are on YouTube such as Huge Bag of Worries.

Children's Books — Ipswich Cancer Wellbeing & Information Centre.

Take care

[bc2025]

Hello. I’m sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. Although we all know the statistics, nothing quite prepares you for finding out you have cancer yourself.

I was in a similar situation to yours last summer. I had felt a new lump and got a referral to our local breast clinic. I wasn’t too worried on the day of the mammogram/ultrasound, as I already had a lump in the other breast from a few years ago, which turned out to be be benign. Unfortunately this new one wasn’t. I was told there and then, that the lump was 90% likely to be cancer. A few weeks later I was told it was, same as yours, invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 2.

I remember the first few weeks being the worst as you are going for further tests (in my case MRI and further biopsies, then lumpectomy/sentinel lymoh node removal) until you finally get a treatment plan.

I also have children, who were 15 and 14 at the time. I decided to tell them as soon as I had the diagnosis. I kept it as ‘low key’ and positive as I could, but just told them what was happening and whatever tests I was waiting for at the time. I felt it was not something I could keep from them and did not want to have to lie to them about what was happening.

They were upset at first, but then got on with their lives as teenagers do. They would ask me questions every now and then, when they thought of something but they seemed OK overall. For me it was the right thing to do, but of course everyone is different.

Since the lumpectomy I’ve had 2 weeks or radiotherapy and am now on Tamoxifen. I was lucky the cancer had not spread to the lymph nodes and I didn’t need any other treatment.

I kept working throughout the treatment, apart from when I had surgery. I was lucky I could work from home, I know not everyone can. It helped me keep busy. I tried as much as possible, not to think too far ahead and try to stay in the here and now until I would know more. Living as normal a life as possible, although with that new reality, worked for me. In the end I felt all I could do was ‘get on with it’ and try to enjoy my life, my family, my friends as much as possible and appreciate them for what they are.

It’s a really difficult thing to go through, but sharing it with friends and family is what really helped me and it’s nice to know people care for you. But you have to do what feels right for you and your family, whatever gets you through it.

I wish you the best possible outcome and lots of strength to deal with whatever is coming next.

Take care x

[bellalasagne1]

Hi @jenhopeful,

Just to add to the others’ excellent advice….my children were 12 and 9 first time around (2008). I don’t remember the exact words I used but I do know I kept it light and only told them what I knew. I also remember that I told their Headteacher the next day and asked that he and their teachers kept an eye on them (they went to a very small village school). I had to have chemo so had an excellent wig to enable me to look as normal as possible so the (frankly bitchy) school gate mums didn’t suspect anything. I was the lioness ferociously protecting my cubs.
Unfortunately I’m now on my 2nd occurrence so have had to do this again. My babies are 29 and 26 now so it was a different experience when I told them last week, and obviously this bought up memories of the first time. They said they don’t remember too much about the it which tells me a lot, I think my husband and I must have done a good job in protecting them
All the very best to you. Our maternal instinct is very strong and children are actually quite resilient. You’ll know when the time is right and I’m sure the lioness in you will do her best x

[millquixy]

I was you 1 and 1/2 years ago. The surgery leaves a small scar. I feel diet is very important. I was never a big drinker, but I did drink red wine. I stopped it completely.
I began eating a lot of broccoli and even took broccoli seed pills from Amazon. By the time they checked me again my tumor had broken up! Ive continued a diet with anti cancer foods. Many are raw veggies. I also
Wear 100% organic cotton bras which are hard to find.
I had a lumpectomy and started with 20 mg, but now take requested tamoxifen 10mg. Many side effects if it is sourced in India or China. You have to search for a pharmacy that sources in the US…very important.
Now no side effects. Feeling great eating healthy and taking US med.
Try to get ultrasounds instead of mammograms to not get the radiation. Best wishes and prayers for you!

[luka]

Thank you to @jenhopeful and @naughty_boob (incredible name) and everyone. I was just having a little cry and found your comments so reassuring. I’m 3 weeks into diagnosis (HER2 and Oestrogen +) and hoping to start chemo pretty soon. I’ve been really buoyant about the whole thing but just crashed today. It’s so bloody good to have found my boob warriors in this forum. Thank you All so much. Big love to you Jen. I don’t have kids but can imagine how hard it is to deal with the processing yourself whilst playing happy mummy. Sending you strength

[naughty_boob]

Hi @luka. Welcome to the forum nobody wants to join but you will be supported by others who know your needs.

I’m also HER2+ and ER+, there is a really popular thread HER2+ and need some buddies you may want to join and the monthly chemo starters. If you look back at my post 15 days ago I added lots of links that may be helpful.

Take care

[luka]

Thank you NB. It really means a lot! What a club, eh? But it seems like the Uninvited Guests picked some pretty awesome women to have a fight with. I’m glad i found my way to you all so soon.

[jenhopeful]

Evening all. I hope everyone is doing ok. I had my mri results today and they have said I have a second suspicious lump in the same breast that measures around 20mm. I now need to have a further biopsy to see what it is, so feel a bit like I am back to first base. I appreciate it is better that they find it now rather than after my surgery, but the waiting for results sucks. I don’t know if having more than one cancerous lump (assuming it isn’t benign) is a much worse situation and I don’t know if it is common or not to have more than one lump? My first lump was idc grade 2 er/pr+ her2- and measured 10mm. They said they thought it was early and very treatable. I guess as this is bigger and is the 2nd lump it might not be so early now or maybe it doesn’t work that way? If anyone has had two lumps, anymore information about what to expect would be gratefully appreciated. They had said a lumpectomy was possible before, but as the new lump is on the opposite side of my small breast, I’m guessing that’s less likely now? I hope others are getting on ok x

[lydi09]

It’s totally normal to feel numb and overwhelmed right now. Taking it one step at a time and waiting for the treatment plan sounds like the best thing to do.

[diddy1]

I really feel for you and understand how you must feel…
My initial mammogram and ultrasound showed a 21mm grade 2 invasive lobular tumour ER/PR+ HER2- and then the MRI revealed that it was actually 24mm, with another 2 tumours, 15mm and 10mm…
But it was still early stage - stage 2 and absolutely treatable. I did have to have a mastectomy unfortunately and I had a DIEP reconstruction. A lowish oncotype score meant chemo wasn’t recommended for me, but I’m on letrozole for 5 years. (I was 50 at diagnosis with my children doing GCSE’s and A levels…)
I can’t say it’s been easy, but I can honestly say that I’ve tried to stay positive throughout and the worst bit was the waiting for results and treatment plan.
Take care of yourself, and I promise things will get easier once you know what’s coming next. You’ve got this
Sending hugs and love xx