Hi All - I am 48 with a brand new BC diagnosis on 22 July and feeling confused.Have not got a clue what brand of BC, could not think of any sensible questions but got a lovely welcome to cancer leaflet pack and there is so much choice! Scheduled for lumpectomy etc on 7th Aug. Was told stage 1 but at formal diagnosis told it is possible it will be “upgraded” (makes it sound like a good thing). Are they likely to be drip feeding bad news? Have you experienced same thing? Also partner, who is never particularly good at emotions totallyunable to cope and gets angry or goes out if I even mention it. Totally dismissive that it is cancer. Anyone else got this and how are you handling it?
Hi tuesday
I am 51 and was dx in May with 2cm lump, nothing sinister only to be told after core biosy that it was cancer. Your mind just goes either into overdrive or blanks out. Your OH must sit down and at least read through the leaflets just to see what is to happen regards the lumpectomy. dont go any deeper than that. The “brand” of cancer will be graded from tests done on the lump and tissue taken, so until that is done you cnt predict what the next course of action will be and neither can your partner.
Just be assured there is always someone here if you need to talk
Bless you
hugs and love
Bridie
Hi Tuesday
Sorry you have had to join us.
It takes a while for it to sink in - i was diagnosed on 11 July and am going for excision of my lump and a node on monday 28th. Just give him time and leave the leaflets around the place!
Have a look through the other forums - especially “Family, partners and friends” and you will see that your OH is not the odd one out.
All the best
Angela
I agree with Bridie
thinking of you sal x
Thanks to all of you - this is so sweet and you are all so kind. I think I have smiled more than an air hostess since the diagnosis and maybe I am just a bit tired at the relentless cheerfulness people seem to expect - oh, and I loved the what not to say thread - heard most of them already!
Love and Hugs
Tuesday x x
Hi Tuesday, sorry you have had to join this very exclusive club. When i got my diagnosis i was given my own little blue book, just like the one you get when you have a child, for some reason i found this really upsetting at the time but it has been useful. I have had a wide local excision and am awaiting results, all i know is that it is invasive, ductal cancer which is the most common form, and it is oestrogen positive. I believe much more is learned once the lump is removed and examined.I hope you find this site useful, i definately have. It does take time for it all to sink in, your partner is maybe in denial at the moment
Take care
Jen x
Hi Girls - you are right,PJ, I found the welcome to cancer pink plastic folder really upsetting and weirdly the fact that my appointment was held in the Macmillan Cancer Unit which was referred to on my appointment card as Zone C. So I followed the signs and it dawned on me when I reached the Mac Unit that the Consultant was pretty certain it was cancer at the first appointment! It sounds stupid but this sort of subtlety makes me anxious that they will keep in a perpetual state of disappointment when I naturally tend to hope for something better.
Went on the family and friends bit like you suggested Angela - oh God, I had not even thought about being off work, my husband has just (early) retired and we hate being home together anyway - reckon that may be part of it, it can not be appealing to have me sick and at home!
Signing off girls and thank you all - very best wishes to everyone for their treatment and thinking of you all in this situation. Fingers crossed for you all and let me know how you all get on.
Love
Tuesday xx
I prefer people to be upfront as otherwise I think they are being paternalistic, doctor knows best. Can’t really feel I am being treated as an equal partner if they think I am too pathetic to take it
sorry but I like to have all the facts. not that the doctors know that much about cancer really, that scared me. I believe we need a lto more understanding of what makes cancer grow and spread before we will be able to really cure it for everyone.,
Mole
Totally agree Mole - I am just the same. Funny thing is I am the boss at work (health and social care) and normally the one making decisions and guiding my staff in helping to steer people through difficult circumstances. Maybe it is partly being out of control but I think it is really that everyone seemed dismissive “it is only a little lump” then the hint that maybe they can not be that sure. Also - it has just dawned on me reading the foum pages - there is not really such a thing as a slight case of cancer. Somehow, I had processed it as what is the fuss - but cancer is cancer and size of tumour does not seem to be everything judging by other people’s comments - especially if we can get upgrades. Had not even occured to me it could be serious at all - now I wish I had gone with the original date of today for surgery (I did not think I could fit it in as this is a busy week!) as I just want it over - or is that only just the beginning.
All you girls are great and I feel like a drama queen but how are you all so positive? I have never been down or depressed in my life, never felt sorry for myself and taken life on the chin, relentlessly upbeat and cheerful even when faced with sadness, loss or illness in the past. Making up for it now!
Lots of Love to all
Tuesday x
Tuesday,
Oh I’m so sorry but you gave me a fit of the giggles when you described the info they gave you as ‘a lovely welcome to cancer pack’ I couldn’t think of anything less lovely if I tried!! Please don’t get me wrong I get a lot of support from this site and I understand exactly what you mean about it all being very confusing! …but all that said thank you for making me smile!
After reading your diagnosis I think you should stay hopeful that your lump is graded as 1 at this stage (I’m on stage 2 invasive after first biopsy) and be hopeful that all will go well as they remove your lump on the 7th…I’ve just been told I have to have a mastectomy on the 7th, so we’re in together. I’m very scared about the whole thing, I was hoping for recon but have been advised against it til we’ve kicked butt with the cancer.
You’ll probably find that some days are better than others. I was very weepy yesterday an feel a bit better today so it’s a bit of a roller-coaster. Can’t sympathise with your partner issues as mine is being very supportive, not that we talk that much about it, but he’s doing his best. This thing just comes into your home and disrupts everything, your thoughts are taken up with it all the time and I expect your hubby just wants pretend it’s not threatening his family in the way that it is. I hope he comes to terms with it soon for both your sakes it will make things easier. But while you can’t talk to him, keep coming on-line for a moan and to share your worries, we know all too well what you’re going through.
big hugs to you Tuesday
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hello Tuesday -
Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this stinking time-wasting pain-in-the-a*se disease too. I am a relative newbie - dx in June and I’m already a boob, two ovaries and some lymph nodes less than I used to be. I’d like to think that it is a character building experience but I think I have just become a grumpier one-titted version of my former self.
I find the positivity thing comes and goes depending on my general health. After the surgeries my confidence dipped sharply and I was a snotty quivering weepy lump that was ready to meet the grim reaper. Once I’ve perked up a bit I am Captain Invincible and think that in a certain light this could be regarded as a huge adventure.
Most of the time I am somewhere in between obsessing about soya and trying to stop my toddler from whacking my latest stitches.
I hate the fwuffy-wuffy pinky-winkyness of breast cancer. I think it feeds into the paternalistic attitude Mole was talking about - that we are delicate fragile little ladies who need to be treated differently from other cancer patients.
I have a wonderful surgeon who is female and pulls no punches. She gave me my path report and said “This will tell you all you need to know”. As I was leaving a nurse said “Now promise me you won’t sit at home brooding over that.” Um - and what if I do? Having cancer in my breast doesn’t immediately render me a feeble minded dimwit. I doubt if they would ever speak to a man like that.
What really rankled after dx was the mountain of bumf that was thrown about me about make-over events and prosthetic boobs and cancer social evenings. I am not criticising that side of cancer care I’m really not - I know a lot of people derive huge comfort and support from it. It’s just not my cup of tea and a diagnosis of cancer doesn’t immediately necessitate a trip to a reiki class which is what I felt in the first days after dx! Honestly I felt as if I suddenly had to go off and start visualising somewhere. I told some friends I was thinking about going to go to a meditation session. Once they had stoped guffawing they asked me why. I said “I have cancer - it is what you do when you get cancer.” They said “Ok - or you could come to the pub.” Ah yes …
What I wanted at dx was not a ton of stuff about places where I can get specialist swimming costumes for the mastectomised - I needed access to a lot of high quality contemporary literature on where medical science is at and what implications this has for my treatment now and in the future. That is what I NEED to get my head round this stupid thing. There seemed to be a disproportionate focus on boobs and bras and hair loss to the detriment of info on the cancer itself.
But I have found the breast nurses are very much up to speed and obviously have a genuine interest in cancer research - they seem to relish a chance to show off their knowledge and I have had some fantastic chats with them. And this BCC organisation is a marvel - as are the bloody fabulous women here.
Good luck with it all.
Molly xx
So sorry about your op and the prospect of delayed recon Momathome - It is very scary and not fair at all. I am going to be thinking of you and sending you positive vibes for the 7th. Let’s catch up soon after that.
Reckon you are right MSMolly - I am resentful of the welcome to cancer social stuff - met two women today (they do not know about my diagnosis) who represent a BC Patient Group and they are lovely people but their only topic is BC. Talking to them I thought that they seem to have identity other than the cancer. I do not want to be defined by the cancer.
God, what an ordeal to have all that surgery since June - did you know it was on the cards? What comes next?
Re character building I keep thinking of Viktor Frankl - you can only control what goes on in your own mind, how you deal with and filter experiences. I hope it is character building as that is a good outcome but what a price. Do you think personality has anything to do with it.
Had hundreds of pink leaflets - all with the same information in my pack but only just found out today about the no bathing after op. They never tell you the stuff that is gross but you will probably have to go through. It is kind of like those leaflets women get about having a baby - they never mention pooing on the delivery table or talking rubbish whilst high.
On principle I threw out two pink tops today.
Love
Tuesday xx
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Hi Molly
You are one feisty girl! I am having SNB and at the formal diagnosis the surgeon asked for permission to take the lot if it is a bad result - I just agreed, what am I going to do - advise him? If he is relying on my advice then we are both sunk! Agree about the leaflets - can not look at them anymore as they really do all say the same thing and I do not even know what I need to know.
Also leaflet authors seem to assume that being open about diagnosis is a good thing and I followed this advice but have actually found it very demanding - husband is a wreck, mostly avoiding me. He has just been early retired from work (it is a young man’s industry) and is probably having difficulties with all that. Kind of wish I had just had the op done, ala sudden tragic event, without telling him as he would have found that easier to face and less emotionally demanding.
Interested in your recovery comments - this was my primary concern as there is so much to do at work and I am rubbish at standing still. Are you generally a physically fit person? I imagine attitude, personality and general good health matter a lot in recovery…none of the leaflets seem to be covering that topic!
If I am truthful I am quite vain, still a looker and although 48 I do have amazingly good knockers and a nice figure. My husband is a boob man, I remember him saying not very positive things about this in the past. Had a strange conversation about ten years ago discussing mastecomy and he said lots of negative stuff in a general way so I know how he feels about it. I hope I feel sexually confident after surgery, realise now that much of that confidence is dependent on my physical image and not the inner person.
Anyway Molly and others, thanks for all your support and I hope I can support you too.
Angela- good luck for the 28th!
Love Tuesday xx
Lots of Love
Tuesday x x
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Hi Molly
You sound lovely to me. I feel that you are right about the recovery and it is probably important not to try to be superwoman, allowing yourself some time to rest is not giving in to it - it is promoting your recovery. And I am glad your Mum was there to support you, there is a lot to be said for crying in your Mum’s lap.
I like the idea that it brings out the best in people - it seems to be a big two fingers up at the destructive nature of cancer if you can cheat it of it’s power to destroy. I suppose every experience is an opportunity for personal development if you are open minded. Strangely, I have been thinking about the value of my relationships and it appears that I am the strongest person I know (everyone says so) and like you present as invincible. Therefore to show weakness is not allowed (probably by me) and I have probably encouraged others to lean on me so they really do not know what to do. I get my attention needs met by being invincible, always there and dependable, cheerful, helpful and so on, in effect I have "trained " everyone not to support me! Realise also that my high maintenance child man did not sign up for this so I can not complain about his reaction. I wonder how I will meet his needs, which are many if I am unwell, sounds like Sheila has been there! So hey, the character thing is true - I have not self appraised like this before.
So, how old are you and what’s your family situation? I know you have a toddler, so rest is probably difficult in any case but I hope you get some happy times over the weekend and you are feisty and brave, even if it is a front.
Thanks for sharing with me and take care
Lots of Love
Tuesday xx
Hi Tuesday
Sorry to have to welcome you to the confusing world of breast cancer. As you say it’s amazing the amount of choice we have in the ‘brand’ department, as well as the grading (yeah like an upgrade is a good thing - not excactly any business class seats on this journey is there!) not to mention the range of treatment plans they have on offer!
I was dx in Jan and was fairly lucky with my bag of tricks - 16mm grade 1 tumour, no lymph nodes involved (they took 7 for testing) er+ (but only slightly at 5% … yes even that has it’s variations!). I bypassed the chemo requiement, which was my biggest boost along the way - and went directly to rads (sadly no £200 for passing go). I’m now on tamoxifen and basically back into the swing of things with life almost back to normal - working full time and only having the odd bit of time off for clinics once a month, they did say if I behaved myself and got my ovaries to respond properly to the tamoxifen then I would be shunted to 3 monthly check-ups … unfortunately, depsite a stern talking to my ovaries remain obnoxiously active so looks like I am going to have an upgrade in the hormone treatment which means monthly injections so the idea of 3 monthly hospital visits is a bit pie in the sky I think.
Good luck on the 7th with the surgery - I agree that giving the surgeon the green light to take more than the lump if necessary is best, I basically told mine to do as he pleased cos I think he has a tad more experience than I have in these matters.
Let us know how you are getting on. As for the husband - I don’t have that problem, got rid of him pdq 17 + years back so I didn’t have that complication … however, in general men are not too hot on this illness thing, bless them they are mere men and if it’s not hunter gatherer stuff they are lost.
hi,
If it makes you feel any better my partner went on a vodka bender whilst I was in hospital because he “couldn’t cope” and the night I came out, he had gone back to his flat (which he had put up for sale but has now taken off the market.) WLE, axillary clerance and partner disappearing all in 3 days, ouch! I agree, axillary clerance is worse than the breast wound and I haven’t been able to drive yet (ten days post-op). Just remember, you are more than your boobs! I’m sure your OH will come round, sounds like he’s in denial x
Lilac - you are so funny! What did you have in the op dept? No idea what the 5% er is and feeling that I should access some good quality info. So glad surgeon is not relying on my advice. How long were you off work? Spoke to my boss oday who knows a woman who only needed a week for surgery then was okay - sounds very impressive and make me feel like a wimp! BC - that nothing at all! God, it is confusing!
Still unsure of our secret language and going to look up some of these terms!
Had a very funny experience when I told my boss (who has had a long career in child protection but I think may not be quite the ticket) that I was accessing this forum. He was very concerned and asked how I was sure that everyone was who they said they were and cautoned me about perverts on the net. I collapsed into laughter at the thought of a hairy biker pretending to be a woman with BC to seduce others into bed…Now there’s a thought.
Irina, your bloke sounds like a brick (or did I mean something else). Interestingly mine has gone away for a few days, wonder if he will come back. If not we should thank our lucky stars we are clear of them as the negative vibes are all too much to cope with.
Girls, I am signing off and love to all. Despite your naughty ovaries I am encouraged by your story Lilac and thanks for the good wishes. Sorry we are all in the club but what a fantastic support you have all been. Hope I can help you too.
Lots of Love
Tueday x x
Hi again Tuesday
Glad someone thinks I’m funny - most ppl just think I’m deranged, I think they might have a point!
Seriously - or not as the case may be - I’ve held my sense of humour throughout all of this - basically made up my mind that without it I may be tempted to start buying razor blades.
I ended being luckier than most with my cancer palava … found a small lump one Sat morning, started off the size of a pea but in my mind by the time I got to the GP on the Monday afternoon it was the size of edinburgh and by the time I got to the clinic it was about the size of Europe … in reality it turned out to be 16mm when they gouged the sod out. Had WLE (wide local excision - or in our language lumpectomy) and node sampling - they took 7 of them for testing and left the rest. Again my luck was in with regards to position of the lump cos it was highish up on my (small) boob and on the outer edge so it meant that I got 1 incision that allowed them to get access to the lump and my nodes.
I was actually back to work 14 days after my op … but I have to say that I did sort of rush back, my choice entirely with no pressure from the company. Basically I got fed up making my own coffee once my Mam went home (she came to play nurse nancy and housekeeper when I went in to hospital) and Jeremy kyle was starting to get on my tits (pardon the pun). My workmates are very good and I was able to basically go into the office and faff about most of the time - caught up with Bebo and emailing my friends etc as well as doing little stuff like answering the phone and if the mood came on me I checked off a couple of invoices (I’m in accounts).
I bypassed the chemo cos my nodes (unlike my ovaries) had behaved and not joined in the cancer game and they just blasted me 29 times with the rads … a daily routine of going to work in the morning then hospital late afternoon to be zapped, now that got boring after the 1st couple of weeks but 6 weeks soon passed. The plan then was the 5 years of tamoxifen … of which I’ve done 5 months so I’m getting there! However - this is where my awkward ovaries have refused to play by the rules, I was told I had to 12th August for them to de-activate or they (the oncology team) will intervene and shut them down by way of a monthly injection … not sure what they are going to inject but personally I think napalm is the least they will need cos these little sods are defying everything else … if that fails we may move on to dynamite.
I hope you get as lucky as I was and that your treatment plan is not to horrendous.