Hi
I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this position but there’s a lot here to be ‘happy’ with. Grade 2 is very manageable. No lymph involvement is very promising. Hormone receptive is also good because you have access to a wider range of treatments. A lung nodule, not so good but, as your oncologist may well have assured you, not necessarily cancer-related. And if it is, there are treatments. And your prognosis is good. What more can you ask for???
I think you are being very hard on yourself. You’re already under a lot of pressure with your husband’s condition and responsibility for a family. But the fact is, you are like a pressure cooker and something has to give. First, PLEASE stop googling. No matter how tempting it is, you are not going to learn anything that will help and you will see a lot that will terrify. Google has no filters. It has no idea about the details of your specific cancer (in fact, nor do you - you have the basic generic information but lack all the data your oncologist will work with such a blood readings and markers). So what you will find on Google is a lot of outdated information, people’s opinions, worst-case scenarios and, as you have probably found, what’s read can’t be unread. It will lodge in your mind and fester. So, even if you have to get your husband to hide all your technology, NO GOOGLE!
Second, find some time to ground yourself. You’re in a tailspin right now which is very unpleasant. You need to sit down and get the facts into perspective. You have not been told you have an untreatable condition so why assume the worst? You can’t change what’s going on in your body but you can change how you are reacting to it and how far it impinges on your life. Please don’t fall for that ‘positivity’ trap. There is no weakness in your reaction. You already show immense strength in coping with your family circumstances. Now you will need to let go of some of that control, ask for help (certainly after surgery and if you require chemotherapy) and allow people to support you. To me, yours sounds like a perfectly normal emotional response, exacerbated by bloody Google. What’s important now is to find something that will recharge your resilience: daily practice of something like meditation (Calm and Headspace are 2 NHS-endorsed apps with lots of suggestions), mindfulness, yoga, running, baking, whatever rocks your boat. I like to take part of each morning to tune into one of the free meditation videos on YouTube. I’m a great fan of Progressive Hypnosis which has helped me through the last 4 years. Certainly worth looking at but you’ll need your husband’s help here - you need a good hour uninterrupted.
The next thing is to talk to someone qualified in the field of cancer. I would strongly recommend the nurses’ helpline above. I can’t tell you how excellent they are! They will help you find some perspective and also point you to sources of support. They can also answer many of the practical questions about your diagnosis. The other essential is to develop trust in your team. If your oncologist isn’t worried, why do you think Google will know better? Oncologists will always be honest with you. They may retain information until you ask a direct question in order not to fuel your anxiety - but be careful about the questions you ask because you can’t change the answers if you don’t like them. My personal preference is to play ostrich, let them get on with what they can do for me because no amount of research is going to change my condition. I’ve accepted it and it means that my anxiety levels are manageable.
I hope there’s something here that will help you move your head to a better place - but it does involve practical steps on your part as you’ve a fair bit of Google-damage to undo. Wishing you all the best for your surgery and a continued good prognosis,
Jan x