I’ve been trying to live my life away from these forums, to treat my secondaries as a controllable disease and try and adjust to my new ‘normality’…
I’m cracking. It’s a year today since I had my bilateral mastectomies. Friends have kind of stopped asking how I’m doing, as I have put on this brave face for so long saying that things are better etc… They’re not.
My main ‘thing’ at the minute, is the not-being-able-to-have-children thing. I just can’t get it out of my head and it’s driving me mad. I know I should feel grateful for actually being alive and having the support I have…but I just feel so cheated at life.
Sorry for this not being an upbeat post, I just needed to vent a little and I know that there are people on here who actually *understand* what I’m going through right now…
Hi J
thank God for this forum, because without it at times like now you would not know where to turn.
This is a really horrid illness not like any other it robs us of so many things and we put on a brave face for as long as we can. How can others understand?
I am so sorry that you will now be unable to have children. Trust me if you have them it is just something else to worry about. Please dont take that the wrong way if you have younger children you worry, if you have older children you worry, if you have not yet started a family you feel cheated. Yes you have been cheated but you are still here and you are I am sure very loved.
No need to say sorry for it not being an upbeat post, I wish I had a magic wand, the disease would not exist, I dont know what I can do to help I hope other members will be of more use.
Hi J, you never have to apologise about not posting an upbeat post. This is the place to vent. I know others who, like you, were planning a family and I know they have felt the same sadness as you that it’s now not to be.
I don’t have any wise words, only that it’s so hard at times but I really hope you can have some good times in your life soon. This is a supportive place…With Love…Belinda…x
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time and I’m not sure I have the words to help. But, you’ve been through so much this year, physically and emotionally, and I take my hat off to you for trying to live your life within this new definition of your “normality”. I am yet to reach my 6 month mark, but can imagine that “anniversaries” of dates will stir up many emotions.
The kids thing is a killer. I was never in a position where the time was right, with the right person, to have kids (too fussy, perhaps?) and so it didn’t happen for me either. Few of my friends have children and those who do have only recently started their families, so I thought that I still had time. And there’s the rub! On my pragmatic days, I rejiggle my priorities and staying alive comes above having babies with someone I have yet to meet! On my not-so-pragmatic days, I lament the loss of everything bc has taken from me with life, kids and early menopause shooting to the top of my list. This week my ex mentioned that he’s going to become a dad, and whilst I am genuinely pleased for him, I was really miffed that he’d casually mentioned it as a ps in an e-mail. Grrr!
Have you tried any counselling, or used BCC’s peer support service? I found the peer support really helpful after dx and the start of treatment.
Big hugs
xxx
You dont have to apologise to us for cracking ( why do we always feel such pressure to keep it together? ) I am sad that experience robbed from you, its awful, Like Belinda says I hope you can have some good times in your life as well now. I wish I could say something that would help you bear that loss - but I think I can just echo what everyone else says - you dont have to apologise.we understand.
Can you be really honest with one of your friends ? it could help…I have one set of friends who I can be positive and have good times with but I feel i dont have to pretend everythings fine…also it might be good to get an appointment for some counselling - for me its a way of just letting off some steam,
As everyone else says you do not need to apologise this is the one place you can be completely honest. You maybe should try counselling as that has helped me.
I am fortunate that I already have one child but he was only a few months old when I was diagnosed. I always planned on having 3 children so I feel cheated myself that I couldn’t achieve something I really wanted. But Debs is right, it makes it harder to deal with because you constantly worry about leaving your child while they’re still young and that just really breaks me up. I’m glad I’ve got him though. I’m not really sure what my point is, I guess that it’s not easy either way really…
Please don’t apologise. Yes i do have children so you may say its easy for you to say but i worry constantly about them especially since dx my kids are 2, 4 and 8. I don’t want a step mom to bring them up nor do i want their dad to have to deal with 3 girls on his own. I don’t want them to feel cheated and i don’t know if chemo and all this other treatment has worked. i worry about their future i worry about them feeling they’ve missed out if something happens to me, i worry about them going throu puberty without a mom at hand and i can go on and on and i think yes i’m lucky i’ve had them but their are so many more worries added to my already exisiting list.
focus on yourself and getting better - who knows miracles do happen and also you can always look at adoption or fostering as there are so many lonely unloved kids in this world.
Hi J
Whether you have had kids or not, it is still the same, this disease robs you out of all sorts of things that you should have had in your life.
I know that I am lucky in all sorts of ways as I have had 2 wonderful children, and a husband that has stood by me even though he is not at all good at showing his feelings.
But I and my kids were denied spending more time with my precious mother. I will probably not live long enough to see my own grandchildren, or grow old with my husband, or be there for my kids, or do the many things that I enjoy doing.
Whatever feelings that you have, you do not have to apologise for them. They are most certainly valid. I only hope that you can find someone who cares for you that you can share them with.
I am 42, and many of my friends are still having babies - obviously this is not an option for me. But spending time with friends’ children, being a godparent, volunteering in places that look after children etc. can all be very fullfilling activites for you to get involved with.
I hope that I have helped you a little,
Best wishes,
Penny
I think a terminal illness robs us of our dreams. All that talk of a ‘new normality’ is fine up to a point, but actually I find the whole thing a b**** nightmare and yearn for my old normality…
I think we all have days when we feel we are cracking and shattering into a thousand pieces of grief and loss. And then other days when it feels manageable and the tears and desperation lift for a while. I hope you can have some of those better days too.
As the others have said, not having children is an enormous loss, having children means you don’t want to leave them but it is the loss of a future (all those possible futures we wished for ourselves) that is the biggest loss of all. There aren’t any answers just, all too temporary, relief when we are able to put our prognosis on the back-burner, somehow. The only plus I can find (sorry if this sounds a bit crass) is that I won’t get alzheimer’s disease and die a miserable death in old age!! Reading this again, I seem to be a bit of a ‘Job’s comforter’- my apologies, please take this as sympathy and understanding for that is what is meant.
I don’t really have any advice for you but just wanted to say hello and that I’m in exactly the same boat as you as I’m 28, have no children and have been diagnosed with secondaries.
I know we should be thankful that we’re still here but I find it hard to ‘live for the day’ as they tell me to!!
Just wanted to say I sympathise with you. I can’t decide whether it’s better to have kids (I have two, aged 5 and 9) when you have secondaries, but we are all in the same boat of having to live with the knowledge that we won’t be able to see or achieve everything in life that we wanted to and that most people take for granted.
I feel robbed. I want to travel, see a bit of the world, I want to be there for all the children’s milestones, first day at uni, first day at work, getting married, being a grandmother etc. etc. I’m so glad I can use this forum to let off steam because only you others can truly understand what its like to live with this horrid disease, but then I can have days when I feel positive, that science is moving fast and that there is hope of new drugs to try that will keep us ticking over for a long time. I try to stay in that mind-set as much as I can but its hard.
Hi J
I am in a similar position to you, and like you feel completely gutted that kids arent a possibility (I’m 26), I wish I could offer some wise words of advice but I know that no matter what anyone says to you it will not change how you will feel. All I can say is please do not feel bad for having the odd rant! As much as we all try and keep upbeat we all have bad days, and understandably so - we have been dealt a s**t hand! But please try and remamber that around the corner there may well be some good times.
Keep your head up
Kind wishes
Sarah
