hi everybody well was here a year ago. just feeling really down at the moment and need to let it out. i was diagniosed with breast cancer in feb 08 my life was perfect up till then, i was mis diagnoised the year before that i went to the breast cancer unit they done all the tests and they told me i was a difficult case and they wasnt sure why i had a lump in my breast, told me it was hormonall and that it would get bigger and smaller but nothing to worry about. a year later the lump hadent gone went back and there was panic on everybodys faces then told it was breast cancer. so i had a macetimy went through chemo and radiation lost my partner in the process. finished all treatment in sep 08. trying to build my life again for my little girl whos been the biggest rock. they put me on tamoxyfen. i keep having problems with my knee im a keen walker so i thought maybe that was tht problem. keep going to doctors they told me that ive probly strained it eventully i pushed to have an x ray eventully after 2 months they sent me for one. then 4 weeks after that they told me that i needed to go to stanmore for a scan went for a scan cause they thought i might have a cyst on my knee. then 4 week after that i get voicemail from my oncolygist,s sidekick saying that they are very sorry but i will need to meet up with them straight away. well i knew i just droped to the floor my whole world collapesed again. nice to be told on a voicemail NOT. so many balls ups sience then records lost, one not knowing what the other one is doing me doing all the chasing trying to gett them to sort things out. they told me that i had secondary breast cancer in my knee luckerly it wasnt in my bones. they gave me 14 days of radiation put me on zolidex to put me in the menepause GREAT and im on bone strengthening drugs every 4 weeks and theyve added letrozole. im so so so down im trying to ajust. my ex has been in and out of our lifes now told me that i cant give him what he wants like children i yearn for another child so does my daughter. im scared that its gonna spead even further and im not gonna see my little girl grow up shes only got me. i wish sombody could wave a magic wand and say your gaurenteed another 15 years just so i know that she would be a young woman and that hopefully i gave her enough wisdom to continue. and i worry i will never find love again only having one breast dosent seem to bother men but having cancer does. does it mean that nobody will take that risk with me am i to much of a burden. i hate this bloody illness it strips so much away from you not just your boobs. i was such a srong person before this i want too be again so so much. sorry eveybody im sure that everybody has these fears just having a relly bad day i wish you all well. sending loads of love to all of you living with this bloody alien. nickyx
Hi Nicky,
So sorry to hear you’ve had such a hard time and you sound very down at the moment. Have you made use of any of the counselling services on offer? I know they can’t take it away but they can help you find your way through and suggest some coping strategies.
I have no children of my own so I can’t imagine how you feel, worrying about not being there for your daughter. I do have a husband who is an overgrown teenager and worry about how he’ll cope on his own. I have a very rare and aggressive form of breast cancer for which the 5 year survival rate is very poor and there are no statistics for 10 years. So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I won’t have a long life. I’ve just decided to make the best of every day that I have by bringing forward my retirement by 15 years and bugger the menopause. Your strategy will be different as are your circumstances but you will find one.
On the positive side there have been many advances in recent years on the treatment of secondaries. I’ve met lots of ladies during my treatment who are living good quality lives after having 2 or 3 secondaries over 10-15 years.
If you haven’t already done so please give the helpline a call and talk to a counsellor. Also, it might help to get angry with the NHS which has let you down so badly and start taking some action against them. That wouldn’t be an easy route so you would need to have the energy for it but it might give you something to focus on.
Hugs and best wishes, Jan
It may always be there but live your life. don’t let the cancer live it. I have secondry to my liver and I am a busy mum of 2 v.young children. As far as I am concerned I don’t know what the future holds but I am determined I’ll be in in and live my life with that goal in mind. I know cancer is unpredictable but if it progresses and starts to cause me problems then I will deal with that then. I still work full time and enjoy all the things I have always done. I’m not angry or sad - far too draining - though I do have the odd off day inbetween my happier ones! I am scared but I don’t think about it too hard because you just don’t know what will be.
Its tough, particularly at first and I suspect harder because your (ex) partner is struggling with your diagnosis too. Maybe it would help for him to gain a better understanding of the disease.
I recently read of a young lady who has had BC for many years who has had a baby. It was a wonderful story but I can’t recall where it was reported. She was very determined and didn’t give up hope.
I felt such empathy with your comment about wanting to see your daughter to an older age and you know, who says you won’t? Stats exist but you are individual and so is your cancer. You mention being strong. I am sure you still are, you’ve just taken a battering but I like to think you can bounce back.
Sending you lots of feel better about things wishes and luck for your future, oh and a cyber hug or 2 x x x
Oh Nicky
Cyber hugs and hope you feel better real soon.
Kinden
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hi nicky
sorry to hear your news, i was diagnosed with secondry in liver about 3 weeks ago. and yes it is shit, i thought my life was over, having to tell family and friends was heart breaking lokking at my little boy even more so, he is nearly two and it rips my heart out when he gives me big hugs and says ma ma and just smiles wiyhout a cae in the world!
but they are the reason we keep fighting every day, and it’s so worth it.
be strong and chin up, take each day as it comes!
take care.
gossie
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Hi Nicky
I’m really sorry to hear your news. It must be so hard for you. I was diagnosed with lung mets about 8 weeks ago. The spread was confirmed about 4 days before our wedding which we’d brought forward by a couple of months to avoid the worst of the chemo. The last few months have been incredibly tough, but also very uplifting as the strangest people have offered love and support. It must be so hard for you worrying about your little girl and her future, but I’ve also heard very promosing things about people who beat the stats. Basically no one really knows how long people can survive with these things.
It’s great to hear of stories like those of from the 2 Jans. My heartbreak right now is that we were trying for children before diagnosis and were having IVF. Now we’re slowly watching all our friends getting pregnant, they’re having ultrasounds to determine the sex of their children and we’re having tumour ultrasounds. The parallels are slightly unnerving! So that’s hard. But on the whole, I’ve found that the saddness and anger is lessening. For me I’ve found applying an iron will to my diet and cutting out cancer growth stimulants is helping. And normal life reasserts itself.
Nicky, your strength will come out. You just need to give yourself time, particularly if you don’t have massess of support it’s going to tkae you time to adapt. But you will and you’ll have lovely times despite all the crap that is going on.
My inspirational story was one I read about Stephen Jay Gould who was given eight months to live with some form of cancer. As a popular science writer, he realised that statistics are just numbers and that there would be some people in that sasmple that gave rise to a figure of 8 months that would live a lot longer. There were, and he did, he’s still going strong 15 (or was it 18 years later).
Take care and lots of love and hugs all
Lisaxx
So sorry youve found yourself in this situation.
Please read the book Katrina’s story,its available on amazon at just 1p! ive not read it yet,however someone that overcame secondary testicular cancer and is still going strong 15 yrs later has just read it and told me to read it for inspiration,its very uplifting,im waiting for mine to arrive.
Also lisa… cancer growth stimulants and diets ?? please tell me more
Thanks
sharon
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Hi Sharon
If you want to know more about cancer growth stimulants and diets perhaps try reading Jane Plant’s book. Be aware, however, that it is controversial and some of the evidence may need a closer look.
Caro xx